To think it’s really not that surprising that I have been signed off work

[Rollercoaster21]

I have been signed off work for 2 weeks as I think the last year has taken its toll. I worked full time from home, homeschooled the kids, haven’t seen my family in over a year, am going through menopause and it’s just all got too much. I feel really low and can’t stop crying all of a sudden.

My boss has been totally unsupportive- was really surprised and almost cross with me when I told her I was signed off and a bit ‘letting the side down’ which really hasn’t helped how I feel.

Aibu to think it’s really not that surprising given everything that I have had to take a bit of time out. Am sure loads of people feel similarly worn down & exhausted? It’s just added to the guilt I feel etc.

@Marcis I agree with you completely (ironically I work in HR) - it’s just all got on top of me and I felt yesterday that I I literally couldn’t do another hour in work.

How old is your boss? I ask because I wonder whether she’s been through the menopause. That alone is enough to warrant time off.
She sounds absolutely horrible and completely lacking in empathy.

Even if she thinks you’re pulling a sickie, she should put her management poker face on and be sympathetic.

I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy. I think you’re not alone. There will be many people feeling the same. Don’t rush back to work, give yourself time to recover💐

@Bluntness100

Op are you getting treated for any mental health issues Ie depression?

Clearly most of what you describe is many people’s lives, but the can’t stop crying etc signifies a deeper mental health issue.

Yes. I'm signed off myself for anxiety and depressive tendencies (as the doctor put it), and there was a definite flipping point where I went from managing my responses to no amount of management working.

For about twelve months I was experiencing the pandemic more or less as everyone else was (still am, in fact, I'm more suited to it than others). But I have a senior and responsible role, and a specific work situation (an ex-colleague making aggressive and erroneous legal threats against my company and specifically harassing me) pushed me into a pattern of responses that constituted a deeper issue. Better to nip it in the bud with medical help than let it escalate into something that ruins my life.

It's appalling to be pressured like that about work, OP. I've had nothing but understanding and appreciation from three of the four colleagues I had to inform before I left, but the last, in spite of being told that I was on sick leave due to stress, was pressing me for a return date...

No job is worth your health.

Are your children not back at school now?

@osbertthesyrianhamster

What if everyone did this? I do wonder. I'm foreign and this system that allows people to 'get signed off' because life is hard always blows my mind.

Well that's not exactly helpful to the OP. What a stunning lack of empathy.

I understand @Rollercoaster21. I have two kids (primary age and a toddler), work full time in a busy job that was made even busier by covid, and my DH works abroad so not around very much to help out. The lockdowns have been chaos but I coped ok at the time because I was just too busy to think about how exhausted and stressed I was. It is only now that things have returned to some sort of normality that it has all hit me, and like a ton of bricks. I had a couple of weeks off at Easter which helped so I don't feel like I need signed off, but I can totally understand that feeling of burnout and the need to step off the hamster wheel for a bit to get your head straight.

You mentioned upthread about needing HRT - please if you can investigate this. I am 51 and went through the most horrendous peri - menopausal symptons a few years ago. Thankfully I worked from home a lot of the time but did have to leave work on a few occasions due to it. I had crippling anxiety and really struggled in life. I went on HRT and have never looked back. I know there is more to it than that but there are some great boards for discussion and if you google Dr Louise Newson and body identical HRT there are lots of options out there for you.

@sylv165 that’s exactly what happened to me. I think it’s only just really hit me and caught up with me now.

@Rollercoaster21

I completely get what you are saying.

You are totally correct to have taken the time off. It's not going to solve everything but having a pause will help alleviate some of the most acute stress.

I agree too, it's not surprising. Many people have been working through this 'crisis' period fuelled by adrenalin, and now they can't do it any more.

I also am not surprised by your manager's response. I work for a great employer, in a job I love. They honestly are supportive in so many ways. However I've gone above & beyond, working relentlessly while looking after 3 children as a single parent. I've no support, no family nearby. I have felt so so lonely, and I know I'm just about hanging on at the moment.

I've great time for my manager. But I feel that the 'look after yourself' line is being used as just that, and no real account is being taken of my work pressures, including poorly performing team members on the team I manage & much work that should be done by others, falling to me.

I can absolutely imagine a manager acting in the way you describe and it sucks. It really does. It's like the ability to empathise is absent a lot recently.

I hope you can firstly get some rest & then take some steps to address the issues longer-term.

💐

@sylv165

That's how I feel too. Very well-described.

@Cosmos45 yes, I really feel like the hormone issue is pouring petrol on what I would probably be more able to cope with to be honest. I have had really dark thoughts but it’s only at certain points in the month to be honest.

[quote Rollercoaster21]@Bluntness100 to be honest, I think I probably need HRT![/quote]
I do sympathise. Menopause for me was physically a walk in the park but mentally a car crash. Terrible anxiety and awful mood swings. I should have got some medication long before I actually did.

You are certainly not being unreasonable and you need to look after yourself. I hope you have a union and can request that all further communication from work goes through them. Take more time if needed. Look after your mental health - your work place certainly won’t. Also I’d advise not posting on social media as not everyone will agree with you and you need to be looking after yourself and not dwelling on unhelpful comments. Focus upon resting and getting well.

@user1493494961

Are your children not back at school now?

It's the cumulative effect of stress & exhaustion.

Not sure about OP, but I feel more exhausted now, since my kids are back at school. I've coped & coped & I'm shattered. I feel on the verge of tears all the time. Then I feel guilty as they are back at school, so I feel it should be easier.

I just want to get on with meaningful work but feel like all the issues I'm dealing with are not being recognised. It normally wouldn't affect me to this but I feel totally drained & tearful.

[quote Rollercoaster21]@sylv165 that’s exactly what happened to me. I think it’s only just really hit me and caught up with me now.[/quote]
I think it is a case of having to put everyone and everything else before yourself for such a prolonged period of time. It catches up with you eventually. I hope that having a couple of weeks out to catch up with yourself (and investigate HRT!) will help.

For goodness sake.

There is a difference between being totally wiped out, possibly depressed and having poor mental health and ‘finding life hard’. OP I’m sorry you’ve had to see a reply like this.

Are you on any antidepressants? They made a difference to me massively although I’m off them now due to pregnancy. But when I can I’ll go back onto them. It sounds a really tough situation. You aren’t signed off because it’s tough. You’re signed off because you’ve been worn down, down, down by the last years events. I’m sorry your mental health has suffered and I hope you get the support you need. You do not need to feel guilty.

Try and look after yourself. Read a book, have a hot bath and some nice food. Those things won’t heal you completely but they’ll make each day a bit more enjoyable.

@Rollercoaster21 - if you can afford to please look at going privately. I think I paid about £250 for a consultation and then just the medication which was £106 for 6 months supply. I managed to do a zoom consultation and they posted the prescription to me. Saved my life.. I really suffered at certain points of the month and realised it was hormonal after a few really bad panic attacks/anxiety incidents which, like you, led me to have very dark thoughts. It can be so easily resolved and I think a good starting point for you would be to google hormonal clinics and see if you can start a dialogue with them. Good luck, you have my sympathy because I know how hard it can be.

I think you have done absolutely the right thing and I hope you start to feel a lot better soon.

I think how you phrased it might not have been the best way—to say “not surprising” kind of implies it it to be expected that everyone else will have the same, or that there is no mental health component here—it might sound almost like you’re saying “everyone needs 2 weeks off after the year we’ve had!” When actually what you mean is the opposite, you’ve had an incredibly tough situation and when combined with underlying health issues you’ve ended up at burnout. If that makes sense!

I think a lot of people have been through exactly the same as you, but as others have said some people can cope better than others and some are more resilient, we all handle stress in different ways. For many women going through the menopause is a really shit time and you just cannot cope with things as you normally would. I hope you feel better soon after some time off

I have had wonderful help with menopause through my G.P.and NHS consultant, not necessarily better private. After consultant suggested I get a Mirena + Oestrogel, after 16 years on oral HRT she provided it straightaway, although expensive for her budget. Consultant said his oldest patient on this regime was 94, and i can stay on it for life if I want to, so a real result, all achieved without much time off work for appointments and real friendly support.

I hope the 2 weeks is enough to recharge yourself.Your boss sounds awful.

Op, I can’t understand the couple of people commenting with such little compassion. Perhaps, they’ve never had the misfortune to suffer a mental health episode. Lucky them. It’s an illness the same as a physical illness and, therefore, requires time off to recover.
I’ve been with my company a long long time and have suffered recurrent late first trimester loss, ivf and lockdown with toddler etc in a short space of time. I briefly tried antidepressants but reacted badly to them. My company has been so kind and I’ve had a lot of time off over the last years for recovery. They understand how much I have given and now it’s their turn to support me. When I’m better - I will be an even harder working employee.
I’m surprised your manager lacked compassion. They are obviously only thinking about the workload and not you. Sign of a poor manager in my opinion.
What will you try over the two weeks to help improve things? Do you have any ideas x

I heard cbd oil is also good by the way

You need to reduce your hours if you can't cope with full time work. . Not just be signed of sick.

@Viviennemary

You need to reduce your hours if you can't cope with full time work. . Not just be signed of sick.

That depends on op. If she can get a plan of action in place during the two weeks sick leave she may be absolutely fine to come back full time. Changing your hours obviously affects pay , pension etc which adds more stress sometimes. It’s not as easy as change your hours.