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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's OK to confide in a close friend

40 replies

Oyvavoy · 27/04/2021 17:07

I had an argument with DH about parenting teen DD and it got nasty and I was upset.
I was confiding in my closest friend and dh overhead some of it.
Now he is furious with me for sharing private details about our family! He says it's the most basic principle of being a couple to keep things intimate? But surely its normal to speak with a close friend to vent or to seek advice or comfort? Aibu to do so?

OP posts:
crazyspaniellady · 27/04/2021 17:09

YANBU. I think it’s healthy to vent to a close friend rather than let these things build up and cause resentment etc. He’s reacted like that as he’s embarrassed by his own behaviour and doesn’t want others to think less of him. Is he often nasty?

Original poster
Oyvavoy · 27/04/2021 17:11

Not sure he is embarrassed by his behavior- he's convinced he's in the right and he's the victim

OP posts:
Jizzle · 27/04/2021 17:16

No, YABU for me. Things like arguments or things about your relationship should stay within the relationship, not spread around to friends or famnily.

I know the MN hivemind will disagree with that, but i agree with your DP, that is one of the basic principles of a relationship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2021 17:17

Would you be happy if he spoke about your argument - with his version of who was in the wrong, because all arguments have three sides to them - with his friend or relative? If you’d think it was fair for him to do so, then there’s a discussion for the two of you to have about what you each find acceptable.

Personally, I don’t talk with my friends about disagreements in my relationship, because it puts both friend and my partner in an awkward position. I wouldn’t want to DP have to wonder whether my friends secretly thought he was a cunt because I’d told them about something; and I wouldn’t want my friend’s opinion of DP tarnished by something I’d said, yet for said friend to also have to see DP socially.

emilyfrost · 27/04/2021 17:18

YABU. Arguments and disagreements in a relationship should stay between a couple.

You shouldn’t be telling people—however close a friend they are—the intimacies of your relationship like that.

He’s right; it’s one of the very basic principles of a relationship.

crazyspaniellady · 27/04/2021 17:19

If he didn’t have an issue with his individual behaviour then you speaking about it with a close friend, who is obviously a person you trust, shouldn’t make a difference.
I had an ex like this, couldn’t/wasn’t allowed to say a bad word about him to any of my friends when he was acting like a knob (but obviously he was always completely in the right anyway) because “it wasn’t their business”, but really it was because once he’d calmed down he realised that he was the one being unreasonable and getting nasty and didn’t want others to know that there was that side to him. Just my experience, but he won’t back down now he’s exploded about it, men are physically incapable of admitting when they’re in the wrong as the majority of them don’t emotionally mature past the age of 14.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2021 17:19

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with confiding in a friend, but best to do it where he’s not going to overhear you!

TwinkleToeMatilda · 27/04/2021 17:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I talk to my friends and family about arguments me and my partner have had. It can put things into perspective. On the other hand remember how it would make your partner feel when/if they next see that person that you just vented too!

JustFedUpOfThis · 27/04/2021 17:23

I think it depends entirely on the problem

If it’s intimate eg erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation then YABU

If it’s a disagreement that got very shouty and aggressive then I think ok to chat with a fried.

I think no partner in a relationship should expect discretion in event they are abusive. So I don’t think it’s healthy to say never discuss a relationship with an outsider. Sometimes external perspective is essential.

Original poster
Oyvavoy · 27/04/2021 17:23

@ComtesseDeSpair

Would you be happy if he spoke about your argument - with his version of who was in the wrong, because all arguments have three sides to them - with his friend or relative? If you’d think it was fair for him to do so, then there’s a discussion for the two of you to have about what you each find acceptable.

Personally, I don’t talk with my friends about disagreements in my relationship, because it puts both friend and my partner in an awkward position. I wouldn’t want to DP have to wonder whether my friends secretly thought he was a cunt because I’d told them about something; and I wouldn’t want my friend’s opinion of DP tarnished by something I’d said, yet for said friend to also have to see DP socially.

Yes, I would be totally fine with it. I find talking things through with a friend actually helps me see things from another perspective and if I'm in the wrong so I'd be more than happy for him to do that too. Obviously not with the whole world but with a close relative or friend, sure.
OP posts:
Original poster
Oyvavoy · 27/04/2021 17:27

@JustFedUpOfThis

I think it depends entirely on the problem

If it’s intimate eg erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation then YABU

If it’s a disagreement that got very shouty and aggressive then I think ok to chat with a fried.

I think no partner in a relationship should expect discretion in event they are abusive. So I don’t think it’s healthy to say never discuss a relationship with an outsider. Sometimes external perspective is essential.

Definitely shouty argument. Plus DD has some special needs which dials up the pressure and dh says I shouldn't share those details with my friend either.
OP posts:
Angrypregnantlady · 27/04/2021 17:30

We don't discuss arguments with others. You never give an unbiased story. Then when you forgive eachother the other person still judges your partner.

Dipi79 · 27/04/2021 17:31

I don't see any issue in confiding in a close friend and/or family. Can't believe the amount of PP saying YABU.

Flowers500 · 27/04/2021 17:34

The reason I have close friends is to be able to discuss issues like this. A world where relationship issues are confidential is an abuser’s daydream.

AmyLou100 · 27/04/2021 17:37

how did he overhear?

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 17:38

You weren't very clever having that 'phone call when husband was in the house.

EKGEMS · 27/04/2021 17:39

@Maggiesfarm Do you feel better having posted that?

MilduraS · 27/04/2021 17:40

I think it depends on the topic and the person. I have one friend who I'd vent to because she's the sort to understand that even though I'm venting about DH, I do actually love him and he's normally pretty wonderful. A vent about a stupid argument where he's in the wrong wouldn't change her view of him. She also has no interest in drama and wouldn't use our relationship as a source of gossip (I have other friends who revel in drama and would).

Tal45 · 27/04/2021 17:40

I think it can put the friend or family member in a difficult position, they might take a dislike to your DH and hold it against them even when you're over it. It can be even more difficult then when you expect them to get over it (because you have) and they can't. It might also make your DH feel very uncomfortable being around them. Personally I wouldn't want my DH talking about issues with other people so I wouldn't do it either unless I really felt I wasn't being listened to by him and that I desperately needed support from somewhere else.

Iwonder08 · 27/04/2021 17:42

I agree with your husband, I wouldn't like it either

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 27/04/2021 17:44

YABU - I don't think you should tell even close friends details of arguments with your partner. That's what Mumsnet is for! Grin

ny20005 · 27/04/2021 17:45

YRNBU what's the point of having friends if you can't discuss things

If it was to do with your sex life or a personal medical issue, fair enough

Everyone needs to get outside perspective now & again. My best friend knows I'm happily married but she's able to tell me I'm being out of order or unreasonable if I am.

Nobody should bottle everything up, it's not healthy

HavelockVetinari · 27/04/2021 17:47

Depends - was it a mutual friend? I'd hate it if DH did that with someone I was also friends with, but if it was just your friend I think it's OK. Shame he overheard!

Smallfry79 · 27/04/2021 17:52

I think if more people confided in a close well chosen friend many might realise sooner that they are in a controlling, dysfunctional, abusive relationship. If you grow up in a home like this and then experience it yourself you might not have a good understanding of what is healthy or normal.
Discretion and trust are important but total immersion and isolation is not

Sova · 27/04/2021 17:53

I'm surprised how many people should keep arguments to themselves. I completely disagree. Where do those feelings go if you can't talk to your friends? I'm really sorry if people think that Mumsnet is a substitute for a good friend or that people should just bottle things up or brush things under a carpet in case someone notices. It's one thing not to disclose something that is confidential but if you need support, you need support.