To think it's OK to confide in a close friend

[Oyvavoy]

I had an argument with DH about parenting teen DD and it got nasty and I was upset.
I was confiding in my closest friend and dh overhead some of it.
Now he is furious with me for sharing private details about our family! He says it's the most basic principle of being a couple to keep things intimate? But surely its normal to speak with a close friend to vent or to seek advice or comfort? Aibu to do so?

It's a difficult one.

I wouldn't like it and get annoyed if DH overshares but I think it's helpful to discuss things.

I suppose it depends if you are bashing DH (not ok) or just venting about a stressful situation or maybe seeking advice (may be ok)

Hmmm I'm not going to tell you you are wrong. I wouldn't relate an intense argument to someone no.
If you consider we are all different then it's okay for your husband to feel this way. I would feel a violation of trust. Personal private business in my eyes

I wish I knew this rule before. It does make for more superficial friendships but would have saved me a lot of embarrassment and break ups.

YANBU and actually I think it’s important to process arguments like this with a close and TRUSTED friend. I have always encouraged my husband to do the same as I think too many men are expected to stoically bear hurt in silence. Usually once we’ve talked through things with our respective trusted person, we are calmer and more able to see the other person’s point of view. Otherwise resentment might just fester. Maybe you could encourage him to choose someone (family/friend) that he could confide in when stuff gets tough. He might then see that it’s not gossip it’s an important way of processing things.

I’m surprised at people’s responses; I thought it was fairly normal to chat to your friends about these things. Me ant my friends do.

I agree with him. I don’t run to my friends when things are rubbish or else that’s all they hear about my husband. I talk to my husband like a proper adult - even if it’s after doing childish sulking

Really surprised with the answers too. I would encourage my husband to talk to his friends about our disagreements. Hopefully they will help him realise he is wrong ;)

It depends very much on whether your friend is also a friend or acquaintance of your dh. If your family and her family are friends, or if she is in a position where she might gossip about it with people who know him, then I think he has a point. You should not turn members of his friendship group against him, just as you should not do so with an ordinary friend. (Assuming that this was an ordinary quarrel, and not actual abuse.)

If he only knows your friend vaguely as your friend, then I think he is being unreasonable and controlling.

I used to think things should stay between you. It meant I felt completely isolated when my first marriage verged on being emotionally abusive. I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

Now I talk to my best friend about my marriage. More often than not, she's the one giving me perspective, just as I do to her. (Not that it's often necessary, because new DH is bloody awesome.) I think training about these things is so important. I do make a point of telling her the good bits too though. I think that's just as important.

I’d find it perfectly fine as long as it wasn’t a mutual friend, of the opposite gender and level headed , not a known gossip
Also I trust my DP not to spew falsehoods

*wasnt a mutual friend or of the opposite sex to partner sorry

I would have thought speaking to a very close friend is normal but I agree with @Maggiesfarm, an absolute disaster to be overheard having a private conversation about it.
No one would like that and I can imagine the retelling could be frank and unflattering!

Did he behave aggressively/badly in the argument?
If he did, then THAT is his issue.

In principle I am a very private person about my marriage but I have definitely chatted with a couple of very close friends about the trials of the teen years.
Great to get another perspective.

YANBU I text my mate when my partner pisses me off. Heck, I text my mate moaning about her own husband the other day when he did something offensive and she agreed he's a dick 😆

@Flowers500

The reason I have close friends is to be able to discuss issues like this. A world where relationship issues are confidential is an abuser’s daydream.

This!

I think it's extremely healthy to confide in a friend about conflicts in your relationship. I think most relationships wouldn't survive without this sort of pressure valve.

While there are plenty of happy families who don't like 'airing dirty linens' in public, the idea that secrecy is a basic principle of family / married life is particularly rife where there is abuse & coercion, in my experience.