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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I step down? Wedding

29 replies

unsureofname · 27/04/2021 17:06

Been best friends with bride since school, she is getting married next year after getting engaged last year. I am bridesmaid and was really pleased to of been asked and was excited for it at first.
Over the course of the second and third lockdown we seem to have drifted apart quite a bit, although we have done this before and always seem to become close again after a few months.

I am self employed and my business has been unable to continue during each lockdown and now we are out of lockdown it's not doing well at all, I'm keeping my head above water financially and emotionally but feel like I'm treading water with everything, bride is aware of all this.

A few weeks ago I got a message in the wedding group chat asking for deposits for bm make up, this was before I was back in work and I told the bride I couldn't afford it right now with me being out of work and would book mine nearer the time, fine. A few days later I got a message to say hen do would be abroad and would be booking it next week so would need deposits for that. I explained that I don't have the money and if I did have that sort of money, with the way things are it's just not a priority for me, (Cars falling to bits, my son has never been on holiday) received a message off the bride to say she basically expects me to be there I'm her bridesmaid, best friend and she's only getting married once. I said I'd book on nearer the time if I could afford it next year.

I've just received another message off another bm asking for deposits for the second hen do in our home town.

I feel like everything I say is falling on deaf ears and I'm being pushed out and forced to step down really, not sure if I'm being dramatic because I'm not feeling emotionally stable right now but I genuinely feel like I'm being targeted and almost bullied out. I have told bride I would help with anything that doesn't cost for the time being (already helped make and send invites ect)

Aibu and being a really bad friend or should bride be more understanding?
Also I haven't been including in discussions about hen dos ect when all the other bridal party have.

OP posts:

PinkCookie11 · 27/04/2021 17:10

The bride should have more understanding in my eyes.
You’ve told her how much your struggling so she can’t expect you to pull money out for all of these things from nowhere.
Telling her you’ll book when you can would be enough in my eyes. You’ve told her you’ll book when you can that’s not saying you aren’t going.

katy1213 · 27/04/2021 17:13

How many hen do's does one bride need? I'd tell her what she could do with herself! If she wants her bridesmaids plastered with polyfilla, she should pay for it herself. Tacky, grabby and absolutely no need for you to go along with it. She doesn't sound much of a friend.

AmyLou100 · 27/04/2021 17:13

Yanbu. At least her true colors are showing. I would reconsider a friendship where the person is so self absorbed and up themselves to think the world revolves them. This past year has been brutal for so many, she has the audacity to have any expectations especially as you have told her of your hardships. I would definitely step down.

Aprilx · 27/04/2021 17:15

I think most people including your friend understood that you couldn’t go tot the overseas do, but they still need to ask. I think it was a bit unnecessary for you to say that even if you had the money “it is not a priority” though I must admit, you should have just declined.

Regarding the hometown hen night, they presumably wanted to give you the option, considering the alternative is to not invite you at all, which would probably also be wrong. I am confused about your double complaint about being invited to things when they should apparently know you can’t make it whilst simultaneously complaining that they are leaving you out of discussion.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 17:16

The bride is no friend of yours. She's just another entitled, self-absorbed monster bride who thinks the world should revolve around her wedding, and to hell with anyone else's lives and struggles.

I'd get out of this ASAP and move on quite happily with your life.

ArcheryAnnie · 27/04/2021 17:17

YANBU. If you can't afford all this guff, then you can't afford it, and it's not right for the bride or anyone else to hassle you into paying for it.

IHateWinter88 · 27/04/2021 17:18

They keep asking because they don't want to exclude you. You can decline graciously.

Original poster

unsureofname · 27/04/2021 17:21

@Aprilx

That's why I'm asking am I being unreasonable and arsey because things aren't great for me at the minute.

I'd like to have been included in discussions about the wedding and anything associated that wouldn't cost me money right now, in my opinion a hen do in our home town can be planned next year.

OP posts:

merryhouse · 27/04/2021 17:24

Deposits for your own make-up! Absolutely not. She wants certain things, she pays for them. Is she expecting you to buy her choice of dress and shoes too?

Mind you, I'm a grouch who thinks a hen party should be an evening in your favourite pub

Seriously, you need to tell her that you have no discretionary cash right now and won't be able to do all these extras. If that means she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid then she can make that decision.

Lostinthemail · 27/04/2021 17:29

I would be out of the wedding and out of this friendship. A true friend wouldn’t feel entitled to your time and money this way. I don’t see anything wrong with prioritizing your own wants and needs and not someone else’s and see no trouble in saying so.

If the make-up is that important to a bride, then bloody pay for it yourself, Bridezilla.

LongTimeMammaBear · 27/04/2021 17:34

YANBU

Perhaps it is time now to advise the bride very clearly that covid has hit your business very hard. You don’t have the money to commit to any hen do abroad nor any of the wedding expense. That you cannot count on having available money even a year from now

Tell her how happy you were being asked to be a bridesmaid but that you cannot afford these expenses and knowing this now, does she want you to continue to be a bridesmaid. Leave the ball in her court

Do not say you’ll make reservations or commit to anything financially.

When my sister got engaged, I was pregnant (single mother at the time), she still asked me to be a bridesmaid. I had a small child (2 yeas old) when the wedding was nearing and she knew I could not afford to go a bad for her hen do. She told me not to worry about it as all the other things I was involved with were what was most important. She also chose bridesmaid dresses that I could afford. She paid for all bridesmaids hair and make up, regardless of their financial position. That’s what someone does who wants you to be a part of their wedding.

Onlinedilema · 27/04/2021 17:35

It’s perfectly fine under the circumstances to say you can’t afford it.
I really don’t get all this insistence on having your make up professionally done. I either do mine myself or my dd does it. I’m lucky in that I can do it.
I’d I were you though I would try and make the effort for the hometown hen do, finances permitting.

MellowBird85 · 27/04/2021 17:41

I was in a very similar position to you a few years ago with a friend I’d known since school - she demanded no less than 3 hen do’s (a night out, a spa weekend and an all-inclusive holiday abroad!). She also announced over a group msg that she’d chosen the BM dresses...and just casually mentioned they’d cost £360 . She also got the face on because we weren’t present for each and every one of her dress fittings, despite us all being dotted about in different counties, and generally weren’t showing enough enthusiasm ffs. I could go on...

Suffice to say we haven’t spoken since. Her behaviour was horrendous, complete Bridezilla who thought everyone involved should be bowing to her every whim. I wish I could go back and tell her I obviously wasn’t qualified to be her BM. Stand your ground.

aSofaNearYou · 27/04/2021 17:45

YANBU.

I would tell her you'd love to still by BM but you can't afford any big expenses this year so can't do the other stuff. If she can't understand then she's just being a bridezilla, it's not your fault.

FrancesFlute · 27/04/2021 17:46

Thats really unfair of her. Agree with PP to lay out your financial situation directly to her and say you cannot commit to any of these extras - does she want you to therfore step down. Tell her to think about it and let you know. Don't apologise.

Why are people even booking hen dos abroad now? We have no certainty we could go and if cancelled I wouldn't fancy getting a deposit back via a random person I didn't know!

FrancesFlute · 27/04/2021 17:46

Sorry for typos, poorly toddler wriggling on my knee.

firstimemamma · 27/04/2021 17:49

Deposits for own make-up - that in itself is a big no-no, don't even get me started on the rest of it.

I'm not having bridesmaids but I am having 2 flower girls. Absolutely everything paid for by me, as is the done thing. I was a bridesmaid back in 2012 and hair etc all paid for by bride.

user1471538283 · 27/04/2021 17:50

Dear god it's not hard to see that so many people are struggling and we are still in the middle of a global pandemic. If she wants an expensive hen do abroad then she pays for everyone!

I'd never heard of paying for make up. If you have bridesmaids you pay for it all surely?

I've had this with hen dos though. One was supposedly my big birthday and got highjacked into a hen do. With this one there was even a suggestion of a hen anniversary! With another I was given a hard time because I just couldnt afford to go.

I would be blunt with her. You cannot afford it.

I would be really upset if I were getting married and my celebrations were causing financial hardship or not able to include everyone.

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 27/04/2021 17:51

Completely unfair. And in my experience it's usually this kind of bride that doesn't just get married once...

Throughabushbackwards · 27/04/2021 17:52

God I hate (some) weddings.

I've been in your position, as well as having thoroughly lovely, inexpensive bridesmaid experiences several times. YADNBU.

Tiktokersmiracle · 27/04/2021 17:52

As a bride, I am really shocked.
If she is cheeky enough to call you out on the fact you're her best mate, she should also have the respect to know times are bloody hard and tough shit if you can't pay up for a jolly.
I would step down but purely because she's not a friend at all. A true friend would quietly offer to help you out if they wanted you there that badly, not cause you embarrassment by moaning in a group chat.

MrsWhites · 27/04/2021 17:52

Weddings absolutely bring out the worst in some people. I don’t understand the thinking of the world revolves around me because I’m getting married.

An ex friend hasn’t spoken to me in several years because I couldn’t attend the evening of her wedding because I had a 8 day old child (I had told her in advance that I would be unlikely to be able to attend when I was invited to the daytime but she insisted I be invited to the evening and told friends that I was being dramatic for not wanting to leave my week old child).

Step down from the wedding and from the friendship, real friends don’t stop caring about your needs and considerations just because they are getting married!

CornishTiger · 27/04/2021 17:54

Step down. It will get worse with this type of bride. Sorry.

MrsWhites · 27/04/2021 17:54

Oh and another thing that ticks me off....why do people have bridesmaids if they can’t afford to cover their expenses for the day. Surely if a bride wants to use a makeup artist for the bridesmaids then she should be covering the cost?!

Notfromthevalleys · 27/04/2021 17:54

It’s a tricky one. As PP pointed out, maybe they left you out because they sort of knew you couldn’t make it, but are asking out of politeness?
Maybe they are trying (clumsily) to be tactful?

Either:
She selfishly expects you to suffer financial hardship so she can have her dream wedding (and will cut you out otherwise)

She wants you as her bridesmaid, but still also wants a the fancy wedding that she and her other friends can afford, and is trying and failing to be sensitive about the elephant in the room?

Which seems the more likely option, from what you know of her?

I’d have a really open conversation (face to face) where you tell her how much she means to you, that you’d love to be part of her wedding but that you’re just not able to afford all the partying, and does it matter to her? See what she says. If she is begrudging, offer to step down.

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