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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with husband

37 replies

Suzie1124 · 27/04/2021 16:50

He looks moody every time I mention my family. I haven’t seen my sister for over 1.5 years due to lockdown and today she texted about meeting up over bank holiday. He throws a strop everytime. She’s done nothing to him and I think it stems from jealousy as he’s not close with his sisters. When my sister and mum came to visit on the birth of my eldest child he was slamming doors and swearing (he was drunk).

I’ve had enough of him. I have never stopped him seeing his family. He visits his mum for whole day Sunday with the kids and goes for dinner in week 2x. His sisters are not interested in a relationship with him so he takes his childish attitude out on our kids as he makes them miss out seeing any of their cousins on my side.

We’re in marriage councelling and his attitude is never changing. Whenever I mention my family his response is “what about my sisters?”. Like he can invite them whenever he wants but for some reason only remembers he has sisters when my family want to come over!! I feel so angry and really just want to bloody shake him and scream at him to stop making my life and kids life a living hell!

He doesn’t realise that our kids have no idea who his sisters are or even the names of the cousins on his side! My family make so much effort FaceTiming and sending birthday cards and presents and then he gets jealous. Like what’s the solution? His ideal world would be that I stop talking to my family and kids never see any of their cousins. If I could leave I would literally leave right now. Please some advice on how to carry on living with this man and keep my sanity

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/04/2021 17:01

Why can’t you leave? Take some steps to divorce him

MajorMujer · 27/04/2021 17:02

This is posted twice.

Sciurus83 · 27/04/2021 17:32

Leave him he sounds awful

NRE20 · 27/04/2021 18:11

What does the marriage counsellor say? What does he say when you ask him why he doesn’t like your sister? Is the drinking a regular thing, or was it a one off and you mentioned it as it was relevant to that specific incident?
If you’re not at a point where you want to go your separate ways, then it sounds like you can really only continue to have counselling to see if it helps and focus on the things you want to do. Meet up with your family, your sister. Let him strop in the background and ignore him. If you find a way to be happy in yourself, one of two things will happen. Either the happiness will rub off on him and his mood will improve, or he’ll get worse and it might help you to make a long-term decision.

nicelyneurotic · 27/04/2021 18:15

Abusers often try to isolate their victim from friends and family with techniques like the ones you describe.

This sounds awful for you. Please leave this awful man. I'd be furious if a partner treated my family this way.

EasterEggBelly · 27/04/2021 18:20

Leave him. He’s not going to change.

Rexasaurus · 27/04/2021 18:22

Honestly, I’d leave. If you’re going round in circles with it, he’s not changing & you’re not happy...is it worth carrying on?

CSIblonde · 27/04/2021 18:24

Isolating you from family & friends is emotional abuse. What is the drinking about? Have you & the Counsellor asked him? It's often a coping strategy to escape mentally from something traumatic or stress related. If he's not going to address it , your future looks grim , as the Counselling you're having hasn't got anywhere. Also, when he says what about his sister's, the answer is "fine I'd love to get to know them properly , how shall we start with that?". Then watch his reaction. The Coubsellor & you just letting him rant about stuff is going round in circles & isn't going to achieve anything.

Cameleongirl · 27/04/2021 18:25

Of course you should see your family, he doesn’t get to make that decision for you. He doesn’t need to see them, of course, nor be involved with them if he doesn’t want to be. I’d say that during counseling (when he can’t kick off) and see whether you can reach a compromise- he can go out or do something else when you’re seeing your family.

I like DH’s family well enough but I don’t participate in most of their calls and he’s often seen them without me there. Your DH sounds childish, tbh.

Original poster
Suzie1124 · 27/04/2021 18:31

@NRE20 that’s what I’m hoping to do. I’m hoping councelling will solve the problems. The councellor has told him he needs to have empathy and more understanding towards my need to see family abs has told me I need to stop trying to change him into the perfect husband I want!

She said I need to step down and he needs to step up. I’m not sure what that actually means as I was really upset today in the session.

Of course I want y to I leave but I also thinking realistically without giving my whole life story on here - the facts are that right now it doesn’t make sense to leave for certain reasons. Might be difficult for some to understand but circumstances mean that life will definitely be harder for me and our kids if I leave. I have no family or friends here and do not want to uproot their whole lives. If I left today I would be worse off and my kids would be worse off. Obviously long term if things continue it will come to that eventually.

He doesn’t physically stop me seeing my family he just looks moody and strops. How can I stop getting upset over his attitude. I need to get a support network around me before I decide to leave. I have no one here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzie1124 · 27/04/2021 18:32

So sorry for typos in post above

OP posts:
NRE20 · 27/04/2021 20:35

@Suzie1124 I understand how difficult thinking about leaving must be. And right now you’re not ready to give up. If you and your DC aren’t at risk, then maybe in addition to the marriage counselling, it’s worth shelling out for individual counselling for yourself, to tackle questions like “how can I not let his moods get to me?” You’re right in thinking that while you can’t necessarily chance his behaviour, you can choose how to react and focus on yourself. One-on-one counselling might help with your state of mind and help you feel more in control of the situation.

Original poster
Suzie1124 · 27/04/2021 21:12

Thank you everyone for the responses. I have read and thought about the things being said but I don’t feel I can leave right now

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfWine · 27/04/2021 21:18

Get a new councillor and then get a new husband
He sounds so miserable and unless there is a massive drip feed life is just to short!

Yes it will be tough but I very doubt you will regret the decision to leave

An0n0n0n · 27/04/2021 21:31

You can plan for years but if you leave it will all fall into place.

You have a better shit now before your family relationships get more estranged.

Not being able to leave is an excuse for yourself to stay. Sorry.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 21:34

So if you go and stay with your mum fo3 a holiday with the kids - what does he do apart from go all moody.

SnarkyBag · 27/04/2021 21:35

Get a new therapist. Not wanting abuse for seeing your family does not equal expecting a perfect husband!

Original poster
Suzie1124 · 27/04/2021 22:38

So if you go and stay with your mum fo3 a holiday with the kids - what does he do apart from go all moody.

When I tell him he gets quiet. He gets really miserable and sulks. He has on 2 occasions being verbally abusive to my sister (never to my parents). Both occasions he’s been drunk.

OP posts:
PferdeMerde · 27/04/2021 22:45

Is he an alcoholic?

How do your children view him? Are they scared of him?

anonynonynon · 28/04/2021 01:03

It'll never be the right time to leave. There will always be some reason you can't or some perfect future time when it'll be easier.

Is this how you want your kids to grow up? Is this the relationship model you want them to see?

Pashazade · 28/04/2021 08:16

If the sulking is a regular thing you might want to have a read of this awesome lady's posts. She links to the previous 4 at the beginning of this one. All her husband did was sulk....

Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021

Looneytune253 · 28/04/2021 08:29

What about his sisters? If he wants to spend a day with them he can arrange it (I suspect he doesn't tho) it has nothing to do with you seeing your own family just carry on making your own plans x

Babdoc · 28/04/2021 08:55

OP, I think you need to see a counsellor on your own. It is not recommended to have couples counselling with an abusive partner - they simply manipulate and gaslight the counsellor to recruit them against you.
This man is trying to isolate, disempower and intimidate you. Cutting you off from family and friends is a standard tactic from the abusers’ handbook. Making you afraid of upsetting him, or triggering his moods, is deliberate, to make you walk on eggshells around him.
Do the Freedom Program online. Read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. And start planning your exit.

acceptableinthe80sx · 28/04/2021 09:00

No wonder his sisters don't want to see him if he behaves like that. Has he actually spoken to them and tried to sort things out? Taking it out and you and your family is classic narc behaviour.

Karwomannghia · 28/04/2021 09:03

He won’t change. So stop trying to make him or expecting him to. If you don’t like how he is don’t be with him.
Do what you want with your family. If he complains about the kids not knowing his sisters say yes that’s a shame I hope it gets better for you and just ignore the strops.

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