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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding my in-laws?

33 replies

ParanoidPetula · 27/04/2021 10:43

I have known my in-laws for a couple of decades. My MIL is a very selfish person, lacking in empathy. Her DH is her lapdog and her other children, my DH's siblings are part chip off the old block, part victims of MIL, one of them is the golden child, and very spoilt and self-centered. I have never once seen my MIL do anything for my DH, yet he stands up for all of them if you say anything about them. Over the years my MIL, and SIL has been very bitchy to me. With hindsight, I wish I had been strong enough to tell MIL to jog on, but I loved my DH and I didn't.

Things got a tiny bit better when I had DC because I think she calculated that if she was her usual self, I wouldn't facilitate seeing them with the DC. During this time I have been the person to set up visits and other things, sort out inlaws birthdays, cards, etc., etc. and my DH has done nothing.

What has brought this to a head is that about 2 years ago DH and I had a massive falling out and we separated, but still lived in the same house. During this time my in-laws did not call me once to see if my DC were OK, which they were not, and didn't speak to me for months. Basically, they didn't give a shit. In fact, they enabled my DH to leave me and the DC. DH and I made up and are happy-ish but I now have a feeling of indifference and contempt towards his family. They have never been nice to me and didn't show me or my DC 1 once of empathy when my DH wanted to leave us.

My DC are now teens and are not that keen on them anyway. They will start and visit them less and less. PIL live about 2 hours away so not round the corner. I am still expected to cook Christmas lunches, invite them over, meet up with them and I don't want to. I've also told DH to sort out his own cards and presents and last Christmas I refused to lift a finger. DH is now talking about meeting up with them and I just don't want to. Why can't he go-round on his own, or take 1 or 2 of our DC with him? I go see my family on my own as he's bored to death when with them.

Who is BU here? My DH thinks I am being unkind to them and they are his family. I am not being openly rude to them, and I will spend some time with them. I just don't want to do it as often as I used to.

OP posts:

SeaTurtles92 · 27/04/2021 10:46

YANBU.
He thinks you're being rude not seeing them but he won't see your family? That makes sense.

Don't go to gatherings with them if you don't want to. Don't make your teen children go either.

They sound like bastards tbh.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 11:02

YANBU, he wants them over, he cooks, same with presents and cards.

Does DH cook for your family and send them presents? I'm guessing no!

rogueone · 27/04/2021 11:06

I think this is exactly why I keep the outlaws at a distance. Mine have been truly shocking towards me when my DH there DS got sick. Ignored me, ignore my children. Its all about there boy and they became competitve when he was in hospital. They never contact me, never asked after the kids, we have had a dreadful two years as my DH is terminally ill. They have no regard for me or my DC and I do nothing for them now. I am pleasant enough when they visit as i need to ensure I support my DH who has his own struggles. They have shown you who there are. Keep your friends and family close and leave your DH to manage his parents, there presents and stop facilitating xmas etc.

apooagnuandyou · 27/04/2021 11:10

I am still expected to cook Christmas lunches

that's too much already!

Returnoftheowl · 27/04/2021 11:34

Right, so he doesn't see your family but feels you must see his family and thinks you're being unreasonable about it?
That wouldn't work for me. Also I wouldn't be volunteering to do Christmas lunch etc... They have shown you exactly how interested they are in you, you don't need to keep making an effort.

Hardbackwriter · 27/04/2021 11:43

He's being completely unreasonable if he doesn't do the same for your family. I agree that there's no reason at all why he shouldn't go alone/with the DC, and his demand that you come too is unfair. I do think that it's not unusual or particularly egregious that they didn't contact you when their son and you were separated and that they took his 'side' in the separation, but I can also see why it hasn't endeared you any further to them.

Leeds2 · 27/04/2021 11:45

Do you mean he never sees your family, or just refuses to visit every time you do (so does see them occasionally)? I would struggle with the hypocrisy if he, through his own choice, never sees your family but expects you to see his.

RaspberryCoulis · 27/04/2021 11:47

I think you're being a bit unreasonable expecting your MIL to be phoning you when she knew there were difficulties between you and your husband. She doesn't need to call you to check that the children are OK if she's speaking to her son, does she? I don't think in almost 20 years of marriage my MIL has ever called to speak to me. Just as my parents have never called to speak to DH.

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 11:47

Hahaha!
REALLY?

My DH thinks I am being unkind to them and they are his family.

'I literally do not give the tiniest shit what you think. As far as I'm concerned you've got 20 years of present and card sending and Christmas-dinner making or MY parents before you've even got the right to comment on how I choose to engage with them. They're a bunch of shits, I don't like them and feel no obligation to ever see them again and have no plans to cook so much as an egg for them. They're reaping exactly what they've sown, and so are you. You want to persuade YOUR kids to see YOUR parents, YOU do so. Good luck with it, they don't like them either. Now, you so much as criticise again, or invite them here, and I won't even be polite to their faces. They're not in my life any more and I'm bloody delighted about it. Any more questions?'

You are 100% NBU.

Silverfly · 27/04/2021 11:48

Normally I would say suck it up and go with him to keep family harmony.

But if he doesn't bother to do the same for yours, then fuck that! How can he justify calling you unkind when he does the same himself?

frazzledasarock · 27/04/2021 11:50

They're your H's parents why does he need you there to go visit them? Why is it unkind for you not to go?

Tell your H he is responsible for his family and you will sort out yours. The day he cooks, cleans, and hosts for your family and organises visits and enthusiastically participates you'll think about reciprocating. Till then you both deal with your own families.

Sounds to me like you H prefers having you there so he can hide behind you and you get the brunt of the shit attitude instead of it being aimed at him.

FizzyApricot · 27/04/2021 11:51

I think when you were separating there was no need for MIL to call you. She could ask her son how the children were and she might have been trying not to get too involved/might not have thought you'd like her to call.

The rest of it? He can feed her and visit them by himself!

DinosaurDiana · 27/04/2021 11:52

I have gone NC with my in-laws due to their behaviours over the years.
I no longer send birthday cards and presents.
I haven’t seen or spoken to any of them in 5 years, it’s very liberating 😉

harriethoyle · 27/04/2021 11:54

YES @YoniAndGuy! OP please cut and paste this post into a text to your "D"H...

Trixie78 · 27/04/2021 11:55

You tried, you made the effort, and you got nothing back so your work in that regard is done. Don't give them any more of your time.

Original poster

ParanoidPetula · 27/04/2021 12:01

Just to clear up a few things. My DH rarely sees my family. They live a few hours away as well. He last saw my siblings about 3 years ago and speaks to my parents about once a year. When I go to see them I don't actively encourage him and he is more than happy to stay behind because he stresses me out by looking bored, complaining about the food and my parent's house.

WRT MIL and calling me up when we split. My DH was willing to walk away and it would have been me who got custody (as he wanted to be a single person) and if she had wanted to see them, she would have had to do it on my time so if she was smart, she would have tried to keep on cordial terms with me. At the time my DC were very, very upset about my DH and his behaviour and I was lost. They could have helped out a bit, e.g. babysat whilst we tried to sort out our relationship or just called up to see if everything was OK. They went radio silence and then when it blew over thought I'd be back to dogsbody DIL/ SIL again. I don't want to go into detail but let's just say that when my DH wanted to leave, and be single, they offered him a very soft landing.

I just don't want anything to do with them. My DH, despite his own issues with them, think his family are better than anyone else and has adopted his families stance that if you are not blood, you are a nobody. This was one of the reasons I started resenting him. I treat people nicely irrespective of who they are, blood or not. We are married but he seems to have a misplaced loyalty to them over our own family when really, they are pretty horrible.

OP posts:

Anydreamwilldo12 · 27/04/2021 12:07

I just can't understand why you're still with your husband . He's nasty!

Motnight · 27/04/2021 12:09

You have a DH problem.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 27/04/2021 12:10

He last saw my siblings about 3 years ago and speaks to my parents about once a year.

this, to me, is more than enough justification to not go with him. he doesnt go with you. i dont see the problem here.

I don't want to go into detail but let's just say that when my DH wanted to leave, and be single, they offered him a very soft landing.

Im sorry if this is way off base and im just cynical but but I have never known a man walk out on a woman and kids unless he has someone else waiting. Are you sure his family dont know about some OW/OM and felt too embarrassed/scared to contact you? Not that this excuses it.

if you are not blood, you are a nobody. and he seems to have a misplaced loyalty to them over our own family when really, they are pretty horrible. make me feel you should run for the hills.

frazzledasarock · 27/04/2021 12:22

Tell him they're not your blood and therefore not your family.

Do you like your husband?

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:24

God, your husband is a dick!

I'd really be rethinking it all tbh, and making it clear that he can shut up about his shitty crappy family and worry that he's actually on the brink of being sent exactly the same way as them - into the BIN.

Original poster

ParanoidPetula · 27/04/2021 12:34

Frazzle, we are still working on our relationship. He is making a massive effort and I am still a bit . Part of me not wanting to see his parents is about the scales falling from my eyes WRT my DH. I used to do a lot for his family for him, but now I just don't want to. As Trixie said, I tried and didn't get anything back. I just feel like a mug who they laugh at whenever I get roped into doing something for them.

They have had a few health scares between in-laws over the past 2 years and I found that I just didn't care. You may as well have said it was some bloke in the next town who I've never met. That sounds really bad, doesn't it?

OP posts:

swimlittlefishy · 27/04/2021 12:37

OP, are you my SIL? Like seriously?
Step right back. The odd visit when it suits you, smile and nod. That's what I do now.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 27/04/2021 12:37

Hmm, sound like you might have stayed for the kids..... totally understandable
I agree you have a DH problem.
You & the kids should be his No1 in terms of family.
He sounds pretty selfish from the info you've given. Erm you can't go back to be single and child free once you've made the commitment.
Well, Single, yes, but was he going to walk away from his DC?
You resent him.
He resents you as he wanted out?
Think about you for a change.
What do you want?

Horehound · 27/04/2021 12:38

I think you should leave your DH

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