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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP's family?

38 replies

amiadramallama · 26/04/2021 18:23

I am writing this for DP.

DP fell out with his family 5 months ago after they continuously left him out of family celebrations for big events and would post pictures with captions like 'The Smith Family', with DP (and me) being the only one missing. They also lied about how this occurred, saying it was spontaneous etc, even though his brother literally lives in a different country and only ever comes to England to stay with and see his parents. One of the main areas of dispute is that his Mum (a narc through and through) acts preferably towards his sister in every way - it is glaringly obvious.

DP went low contact. However, we are getting married in a few months and his parents hadn't RSVP'd. DP text his parents and confronted them, wondering why they hadn't even tried to see how he is (for example he was in a major car accident and they knew about it but ignored it). The main point was regarding the RSVP but I think DP also used it as an excuse to speak to them. Whilst DP has gone low contact, he didn't tell them this, they had an argument involving his sister 5 months ago and no one has spoken since.

All wedding invites and messages sent have been read and ignored.

Anyway, the big argument that was the catalyst to the fall out involved his sister and she was just as complicit (she organised a family event and didn't invite DP). However, I do think his mum is still the grand orchestrator of problems.

At the weekend, we were going to a NT site near SIL (we live 2h from them, the park was 20 mins from theirs) and I agreed with DP to message her, asking if she wanted to talk and get a coffee. She agreed and brought her husband and daughter (DN) along. It was the most incredibly uncomfortable small talk conversation, and eventually DP got the nerve to say something. When he brought up The Event she said she didn't come to talk about it and walked off.

DP is now unsure what to do.

Following his texts to his mum around the wedding, his dad asked if they could meet and hug it out. DP responded saying 'if they want to discuss what happened, arrange a place/time and let him know'. They read the message and never responded, this is over a week ago now.

What next? I feel like SIL's reaction was so shocking even to me, that I felt so uncomfortable. I feel like it's a nail in the coffin to the relationship.

So DP has asked what to do now as he trusts the MN people. Including your opinion regarding our wedding.

OP posts:
MinnieKat · 26/04/2021 18:29

I’d message them all one last time, giving the chance to air things out. If those go ignored I’d move on with my life and not look back at them.

I don’t say that lightly but this isn’t a one off issue, it’s systematic rejection and that is so damaging.

FuckingFabulous · 26/04/2021 18:30

Rescind their invitations. You don't want people there who aren't in your corner, regardless of their shared genetics. And perhaps it would do their petty, spiteful arses some good to see that they too can be left out of a jolly good time! Don't let them decide not to come or leave you dangling. Tell them they no longer have a place at your wedding, that their spots were given to people who wanted to come.

My BIL behaved like an entitled prick about our wedding too (also the golden child) and now he and DH don't speak as a result.

frazzledasarock · 26/04/2021 18:31

Does your DP want them at your wedding?
Will he be upset if his family aren’t there?

If he does then he’ll have to sweep things under the carpet and ‘hug it out’ for now.

If he doesn’t mind either way then he needs to give them a deadline for when you need to know numbers for the venue (I’d give them a shorter deadline than the venue needs so you can replace them with friends instead), let them know if you’ve not heard by then you’ll accept it as a can’t attend. Then I’d invite friends instead.

We had to do the deadline thing to batshit SIL.

I think your DH needs to accept for whatever reason his family are a bit shit and you’re both excluded from family events, so I’d go LC & build your own world away from them. Have your own family events (are you in touch with your family OP?).

Original poster
amiadramallama · 26/04/2021 18:36

@frazzledasarock

Does your DP want them at your wedding? Will he be upset if his family aren’t there?

If he does then he’ll have to sweep things under the carpet and ‘hug it out’ for now.

If he doesn’t mind either way then he needs to give them a deadline for when you need to know numbers for the venue (I’d give them a shorter deadline than the venue needs so you can replace them with friends instead), let them know if you’ve not heard by then you’ll accept it as a can’t attend. Then I’d invite friends instead.

We had to do the deadline thing to batshit SIL.

I think your DH needs to accept for whatever reason his family are a bit shit and you’re both excluded from family events, so I’d go LC & build your own world away from them. Have your own family events (are you in touch with your family OP?).

DP hasn't quite made up his mind RE the wedding. My parents have given us their thoughts and think they should keep their invitation, or DP may regret it later in life.

I am also unsure what to do, yes they are awful and have treated me badly too, but they are his parents and I can't imagine not inviting them.

When DP asked them about RSVPing, his mum replied 'I didn't know I needed to RSVP to my own son's wedding' however, we also reminded them that this is a new date/wedding (due to COVID) that they have not been aware of us organising (in the past 5 months we made these decisions) and that we need to know dietary requirements as his parents change diets (i.e. vegan, pescatarian, keto, etc) so frequently.

His sister RSVP'd straight away despite the fact they weren't speaking, and his brother is always a bit quiet but his girlfriend text me to tell me they're coming.

OP posts:
paintfairy · 26/04/2021 18:38

You need to go with - please can you return the rsvps by xxx date. Any not received by then, we will assume you are not coming. And leave them to it! Odds are- you'll be miserable if they do come.

blubberyboo · 26/04/2021 18:45

I didn't know I needed to RSVP to my own son's wedding

I think this implies she is intending to come to her sons wedding so you should assume she is. Be careful not to treat her like any other guest as it seems she considers as the mother of the groom she will naturally be there. So take it as so and maybe start to involve her in small planning. Perhaps something less important though in case she takes a wobbler later

Next step send out menus or something around dietary requirements and ask everyone to complete

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/04/2021 18:49

I think you have to weigh up how upset you & DP would be if they didn't come, against how upset you'd be if they did come but ignored you or were less than congratulatory/happy for you.
If the latter occurred it would spoil what should be the best day of your lives forever. I mean , seriously - what do they bring to the table? To be so dismissive of a child is simply cruel. Would you have them treat any children you have like this?
Personally I'd kick them into touch. Tell them they're no longer invited, and exactly why. How dare they treat you both like that.
But that's me, and you both have to do what you think is best.
Whatever you do, there will be sadness in store, but that could either continue, or be a final one from which you move on.
Hope it works out for both, and that you have a lovely wedding day.

frazzledasarock · 26/04/2021 18:50

We sent out dietary requirement cards with our invitations.

So I’d just ask them to RSVP by a specific date and if you’ve not heard you’ll accept they’re not coming. Tell them this clearly.

I really really really would not give them anything active to do in your wedding. It only opens the gate for them to wreak havoc.

I know this as DH is still really deep hurt at batshit SIL.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 26/04/2021 18:53

Don't indulge her by begging her/chasing her to come to the wedding. Just let them know when the RSVPs need to be returned and leave them to it. You've done what you need to, the rest is up to them.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/04/2021 18:55

It sounds like they have gone LC with DH without saying so just as he did.

Maybe there is something that upset them or repeated behaviour they don’t like that triggered it?

blubberyboo · 26/04/2021 18:56

Also it sounds like the siblings are happily coming along despite previous disagreements. From the sisters POV you had invited her for coffee and only for her to feel cornered when confronted and she got defensive and retreated, but she’s still coming. Really maybe all the lack of invitations are coming from the mother so I don’t think you will improve the sibling relationships by confronting her.
Also if you disinvite the mother the siblings will probably feel compelled to take sides.

longwayoff · 26/04/2021 18:59

Are you sure you want to marry into this lot? Think hard. There's a lot more of this ahead of you.

AllosaurusMum · 26/04/2021 19:29

I'd say his mother's response is pretty clear that they are planning to come. If you want to uninvite them that's up to you two, but acting like you don't know if their coming because of an rsvp card is being petty.

Also with his sister. Did he make it clear the meet up was to go over what happened between them? If not, he reaction wasn't strange. Most people would be upset at being ambushed.

Original poster
amiadramallama · 26/04/2021 19:34

@MiddleClassProblem I can safely say that his mum is just a narcissist and DP stopped doing everything she asked. They deny all wrong doing still. It’s ridiculous.

She once called me a cow and when DP told her it was unacceptable, she told him I had twisted what happened. She had forgot DP was sitting there and witnessed it!

OP posts:
Original poster
amiadramallama · 26/04/2021 19:36

@blubberyboo I don’t think that’s possible.

The text to SIL literally said “I understand DP and you have not spoken since The Event. We are going to X today so let us know if you want to meet somewhere to talk it through”

It was clearly our attempt at discussing. DP says he will not speak to them ever again if they do not accept responsibility, I don’t think that will happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiadramallama · 26/04/2021 19:37

@AllosaurusMum her response came AFTER she had not responded to a single wedding invitation, had ignored my text to her about it and had missed the RSVP deadline. So I don’t think that’s the case.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 19:42

Well, they don’t sound much of a loss, tbh.

However, they can still ruin your wedding by not being there so on balance I’d assume they’re coming, assume no apology or resolution to ‘The Thing’ will ever be forthcoming, have a brilliant wedding day being the bigger people about it all and rising above pettiness, and then resolve not to bother with them much at all in future. Including not caring about invites to family gatherings and not looking on social media/blocking/muting.

Your DP needs to accept he can’t get what he needs from them and therefore act accordingly in the future. You can only control your own actions/reactions. He needs to stop handing them the power to hurt him. It sucks and I’m sorry.

drpet49 · 26/04/2021 19:46

Would you really want them at your wedding after all this? I can imagine them turning up and ruining your day. Take control and rescind the invitations.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2021 19:48

DP says he will not speak to them ever again if they do not accept responsibility, I don’t think that will happen.

If it’s so important to him that he needs them to apologise and they won’t (and they definitely won’t, I am sure of that) then the decision about the wedding is made already.

Only he knows if it is a true line in the sand.

Your opinion on whether they should come m, or you parents’ opinion (or indeed all of MN’s) doesn’t matter really.

If they won’t apologise he will never speak to them again. If he means that, he already knows the answer to this dilemma.

BrilliantBetty · 26/04/2021 20:01

Have you set an 'RSVP by....'. That's crucial. If not, send to all guests you haven't heard from immediately. Surely you need confirmed numbers by now.

Side note: What will it be like if you decide to have DC?
I would be thinking very carefully about whether I was sure I wanted to be a part of this family. It doesn't sound nice.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/04/2021 20:11

If I were you and your dp, I would go nc with all his family. It will feel like a weight has been lifted!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/04/2021 20:12

Hi OP

Is this the son who was the reason his parents didn't split up or something and his wider family acknowledge that he is and always has been treated differently from siblings? If so I think this is your third thread about the wedding and whether they are coming. Have you taken the advice of previous threads? He really needs some therapy about how to stop himself getting hurt over their next inevitable shitty slight. In the short term could you call them to confirm if they are coming?

TillyTopper · 26/04/2021 20:38

Tbh I would have second thoughts - you 'll be marrying into that drama for life. If I decided to stick with him then I'd cancel the wedding event, I'd want to go off on our own and not worry what anyone thought. I'd definitely stop trying with them and go NC.

1Morewineplease · 26/04/2021 21:23

You need to give us more context.
Why is your partner's family behaving like this.
You keep telling us that they're basically ignoring you.
Why?
You keep saying that your MIL is narcissistic. Was this diagnosed? You can't just accuse someone of being narcissistic just because you don't get on with them.
Why don't you get on with them?
If they won't even mention the wedding, then something has gone horribly wrong.

We need more information.

BRB2021 · 26/04/2021 21:35

Don't ask again. Presume they are coming to the wedding. If they don't turn up, it's them that will look awful to others, not dp.

But I expect they will. Narcs hate missing anything