AIBU or is DP's family?

[amiadramallama]

I am writing this for DP.

DP fell out with his family 5 months ago after they continuously left him out of family celebrations for big events and would post pictures with captions like 'The Smith Family', with DP (and me) being the only one missing. They also lied about how this occurred, saying it was spontaneous etc, even though his brother literally lives in a different country and only ever comes to England to stay with and see his parents. One of the main areas of dispute is that his Mum (a narc through and through) acts preferably towards his sister in every way - it is glaringly obvious.

DP went low contact. However, we are getting married in a few months and his parents hadn't RSVP'd. DP text his parents and confronted them, wondering why they hadn't even tried to see how he is (for example he was in a major car accident and they knew about it but ignored it). The main point was regarding the RSVP but I think DP also used it as an excuse to speak to them. Whilst DP has gone low contact, he didn't tell them this, they had an argument involving his sister 5 months ago and no one has spoken since.

All wedding invites and messages sent have been read and ignored.

Anyway, the big argument that was the catalyst to the fall out involved his sister and she was just as complicit (she organised a family event and didn't invite DP). However, I do think his mum is still the grand orchestrator of problems.

At the weekend, we were going to a NT site near SIL (we live 2h from them, the park was 20 mins from theirs) and I agreed with DP to message her, asking if she wanted to talk and get a coffee. She agreed and brought her husband and daughter (DN) along. It was the most incredibly uncomfortable small talk conversation, and eventually DP got the nerve to say something. When he brought up The Event she said she didn't come to talk about it and walked off.

DP is now unsure what to do.

Following his texts to his mum around the wedding, his dad asked if they could meet and hug it out. DP responded saying 'if they want to discuss what happened, arrange a place/time and let him know'. They read the message and never responded, this is over a week ago now.

What next? I feel like SIL's reaction was so shocking even to me, that I felt so uncomfortable. I feel like it's a nail in the coffin to the relationship.

So DP has asked what to do now as he trusts the MN people. Including your opinion regarding our wedding.

OP,

Are you sure you want to marry into such a family?

@1Morewineplease she meets the definition of a narcissist. She is abusive in her behaviour to DP.

They just don’t like DP much and have really put him down throughout his life. He began to be more vocal about his childhood in our relationship and he sought therapy. He was told to read Surviving and Thriving to understand narcissistic abuse in a relationship dynamic.

She doesn’t like me now because she thinks I’m the one who gave DP the idea that he’s different. His mum fell out with her sisters a while ago and part of the reason was because they called her out on how badly she treats DP.

I really feel for your DP. I think he feels very unheard in his family and that's painful. I don't think they want to talk about the Event and they either have chosen not to register that your DP does or they don't care. I think he might have to give up hope of discussing it. But in reality if they did discuss it, would they really hear him?

Poor guy. His family just don't like him..... Astonishingly sad as it is. (Devastating to your DP I expect) Would you really want people who dislike your DP, at your wedding????

[quote amiadramallama]@1Morewineplease she meets the definition of a narcissist. She is abusive in her behaviour to DP.

They just don’t like DP much and have really put him down throughout his life. He began to be more vocal about his childhood in our relationship and he sought therapy. He was told to read Surviving and Thriving to understand narcissistic abuse in a relationship dynamic.

She doesn’t like me now because she thinks I’m the one who gave DP the idea that he’s different. His mum fell out with her sisters a while ago and part of the reason was because they called her out on how badly she treats DP.[/quote]
His mum fell out with her sisters a while ago and part of the reason was because they called her out on how badly she treats DP.

But I thought the Sister didnt want to talk about things with DP? Why would she stand up to the mum about how she treats DP, but not want to talk things through with him?

I think it is the MIL's Sisters....

Go total NC.
As hard as it is, It is obvious they have no interest involving your family.
Theyve no interest in the wedding.
He tried.

I would'nt bother with them again at all.

Good luck with the wedding

@Windinmyhair

I think it is the MIL's Sisters....

Ah yes sorry (must re-read things!)

Just assume they’re coming. Life’s too short to stress out about this.

It also seems like your sil is open to reconciling - so why doesn’t your dp arrange a visit where he doesn’t talk about the others? You don’t have to do everything as a family unit with the in-laws

'I didn't know I needed to RSVP to my own son's wedding'

This sounds like the crap my mother would pull, then not show up and defend herself by saying, well you knew I wasn’t coming because I never rsvpd. She’d then follow it up with a snarky comment like as the mother of the groom I’d have thought you would have at least checked I was ok to come if I hadn’t of responded....

The queen of double edge meanings my mother and a nasty narcissistic bitch to boot.

It’s very hard but just because someone is your parent dose nit mean they get to make you feel like this. I’m NC and don’t regret it. It’s hard at times to be so excluded but in the long run I’m definitely better off with out my so called immediate family.

DP's family don't like him. They will never change. If I were him I would look for counselling to help him come to terms with this.

You need to be really careful about whether they should come to your wedding or not. They have the absolute power to ruin it. My MIL was vile to my husband and I before my wedding and during it. It finally gave me the excuse to go no contact and my husband to go low contact but he continues to be incredibly hurt.

Good luck, Op.

Go NC with the lot of them. They're not worth your time or attention. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better for it.

Rescind their Invitations and forget they exist.