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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurtful comments from my mum

33 replies

Chiwi · 26/04/2021 17:04

I just don't know how to move on from this. I rang my mum today (would have told her in person but we live about an hour and a half away and both busy for the next 2 weekends) to tell her I'm pregnant with my second baby, 1st is 16 months. And her reaction was a very serious "oh no!"

Just for context, she does no childcare for me. I'm in a stable, long term relationship, we own our own home and I'm completely financially independent. I don't ask my parents for anything.

They supposedly love my daughter and earlier this week my mum had asked a few days ago if she could have her for a full day every couple of weeks.

What the actual fuck is with this response? I'm actually really upset and don't know how to deal with it. Do I just forget it and move on?

OP posts:
parietal · 26/04/2021 17:06

what else did she say in the conversation? did she then switch track & say congratulations or did she change the topic entirely or make any other disparaging comments?

Original poster
Chiwi · 26/04/2021 17:08

I said "don't say that!" And she said oh well I didn't think you'd have another one, a bit of a bombshell I'll speak to you later.

I don't understand why it's a bad thing for her at all.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/04/2021 17:10

Yes, just forget it. Maybe she thinks it's too soon after dc1, maybe she thinks it'll be a lot of hard work, maybe she thinks she's too young to be a grandma twice, who knows? Silly woman.

Optimist1 · 26/04/2021 17:12

This was exactly my mother's reaction to my first pregnancy. The only way I could get over it was to tell myself that she obviously had a mental picture of how my future would pan out and it just didn't match. (I'd been married just over a year, which she may have thought was no time at all, and we lived in a rented house whereas I think she thought buying a property should come first.) I hope that your mother's reaction isn't anything more than that.

MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2021 17:17

Congratulations!

That was extremely hurtful. It’s also the sort of stupid thing that my DM says occasionally. In fact I role her in confidence that my DB and SIL were expecting their third child because I was afraid she’d react like that, it gave her a chance to respond correctly.

I would have to say something, perhaps by text. ‘Mum, I’m very, very hurt by your reaction to our news ( which we are delighted about). Perhaps that’s not what you intended to say. I’ll be in touch soon but am taking a bit of time to recover my humour.’

Original poster
Chiwi · 26/04/2021 17:26

Yes in hindsight I'd have spoken to my dad and he would have tempered her reaction.
This isn't out of character for her. I think she was probably annoyed I'd derailed her opportunity to complain about my brother.

I suppose just a bit sad that I don't have one of those mums who cries out with joy at news of a new baby!

OP posts:
Looubylou · 26/04/2021 18:38

My partner and I couldn't wait to tell my mother I was pregnant, after trying for about 5 years. I was 41. She turned to my partner and said "oh well worse things have happened". Looking back it might have been because we weren't married - though it was a 20 year relationship. Not the reaction I was looking for but she was thrilled when baby arrived. I'm sure your mum will be too. Some people have no filter.

Enough4me · 26/04/2021 18:44

She wanted to complain about your brother - so she puts her agenda before yours. Your dad would have tempered her - this should not be needed when she receives significant news from you!

She should have said, "how do you feel about it?" to check how you felt, and when she knew your feelings then been happy to be happy with you. That conversation should have been based on her feelings but on supporting you.

Congratulations op, I bet other family and friends will be excited with you!

PandaLady · 26/04/2021 19:39

She was wrong to react like that op. I would assume she is no stranger to being utterly selfish?

Consign all thoughts of her to the bin and concentrate on being hopelessly excited at being pregnant, which is the most wonderful news ever!

TattyDevine · 26/04/2021 20:14

Mine did a weird reaction to my 2nd. They live in Australia and were talking about their next visit. I said "don't go booking anything yet - I've had a positive pregnancy test today so all being well there will be a baby coming mid October".

They were very dismissive because it hadn't been confirmed by a doctor. Yes, it was early days (like 10 days post ovulation) and my mum asked how overdue I was and I said I wasn't due for 4 more days and at that point they just started talking to me as if I was delusional.

Anyway, I said, look guys I know confirming pregnancies was not quite as quick and easy in your day, but I'm just trying to give you a heads up here! And whilst miscarriages happen, until they do, you kind of have to work on the assumption that a baby will be turning up mid October! And thanks for pissing on my cornflakes you negative patronising bastards!

11 year old DD is sitting right next to me so ner ner parents, I was right 🙄

Original poster
Chiwi · 26/04/2021 22:13

Thank you for the congrats! Admittedly a little sooner than planned, came off the pill to help my migraines and we would 'try' in summer but here we are!! I'm actually over the moon, a 2 year age gap will be lovely I think.

Glad to hear it's not just my mum. She's such a strange character, she's had a tough life and some shitty hands dealt to her. She often responds in strange ways to things but this felt particularly odd.

Had a long chat with my brother tonight and we both agree she is getting more difficult and odd in the way she responds to things. We can't really work it out.

OP posts:
cutebutscary · 26/04/2021 22:35

We're you very sick or anything during your first pregnancy ? My mums reaction was the same exact words as yours, but I had hyperemesis until I gave birth and she was worried about seeing me so ill again .

Sometimeswinning · 26/04/2021 22:39

My dm had the same reaction. My dd was 13 months and i remember being so upset. After 6 grandchildren between me and my sister it turns out she worries all through our pregnancies. I hadnt realised how worried she was so I've made peace with her reaction now. (Tbf she never knew how upset I was)

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/04/2021 22:48

My DM's response to my first pregnancy was, in total, "Oh well, at least it will spare us the expense of a big wedding".

Didn't worry me. I'm used to her, and neither of us are the "grandmother" type. It's only in retrospect that I realised it was a quite dreadful thing to say.

MiddleOfThePack · 26/04/2021 22:55

When I told my DM I was expecting no.3, she said "and are you happy about it?". I think she was just concerned and once I'd said "yes of course" she was fine.

Some parents are more old fashioned that way, but I think her concern stemmed from her own no. 3 baby being unexpected and she'd been advised not to due to complications with me (I'm her child no.1) and my sibling no.2, so she probably thought no.3 would be a bad idea for me too?

alittlequinnie · 26/04/2021 22:56

My Mum's the exact same.

I had my first baby at 16 so not ideal but I'd been with my boyfriend for about 10 months when I told her I was pregnant - her first reaction was "whose is it" - second was "get down to that abortion clinic"

Went on to get married and then 10 years later divorced and then met my now DH.

We were in our mid 30's, home owners and both working full time and my Mum kept saying "don't you come home and tell me you're pregnant"! ... and to my MIL said "I don't want to bring up any more grandchildren. Stupid cow.

Then when my daughter was pregnant - she was married, homeowner and 27 - she was all "oh my god I'm so shocked" you've really thrown me - my daughter was so upset.

I have come to the conclusion that as my Mum is irish-catholic she doesn't like being reminded that people have sex or something.

When my brother (golden child) and his girlfriend were expecting - they were both about 27 - she went nuts and started going on at me about how it was "just like when she came home and told me she was pregnant"

I'll hasten to add NONE of us tried to live with her or use her for free childcare!

Mums are just plain weird sometimes!

Many, many congratulations on your pregnancy - wonderful news! Enjoy!

Nora1978 · 26/04/2021 23:00

My mil reacted with “oh I thought you were getting a kitchen?”. Utter weirdo. Still can’t get her to show an interest in dd nine years later. I’m sorry you had such a silly response from your own mother. It’s hurtful and unnecessary.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2021 23:03

You stole her thunder somehow and she doesn't like that. I'd bet she's quite narcissistic in other ways, too.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 26/04/2021 23:05

When I told my Mam I was pregnant with my youngest, she said "oh dear, did you mean to?" BUT followed that with that she was delighted, but worried about my health.
To be fair, he was my third in four years, fifth baby, and I was "old" (in her eyes! ) overweight and she was worried about me.
Could your mum be worried about your health for whatever reason (even if it's just in her head) and expressed herself badly?

Broadbeanssleeping · 26/04/2021 23:10

Congratulations op Flowers

ViciousJackdaw · 26/04/2021 23:19

Had a long chat with my brother tonight and we both agree she is getting more difficult and odd in the way she responds to things. We can't really work it out

Is there a possibility she could be ill at all? Any bangs to the head? Is she of the age where she could be peri, it's certainly turning me odd? I assume she's too young for dementia to be an issue.

Please accept my congratulations though, I wish you an easy pregnancy! Flowers

thenewduchessofhastings · 26/04/2021 23:31

My late MIL never said congratulations on any of my 5 pregnancies;

To my first;she stormed out the room and sulked for 24 hours before she spoke to me and then I asked if I was lying about how far along I was as I'd put on a lot and weight and myself and DH has gotten engaged 3 months earlier.

My 2nd one I got the "Oh no" response

My 3rd pregnancy I can't recall her response but I had a traumatic missed miscarriage and her response to the miscarriage was "oh well,it was probably for the best anyway"

My 4th pregnancy "I thought you were getting the coil fitted"

My 5th pregnancy was a simple "so we're having another grandchild then"

My SIL pregnancies;she was practically singing from the rooftops with joy.

I had the last laugh though;she keep harping on about how she had a dream my SIL was pregnant with twin girls once and it could happen because she'd had been a twin (the twin sadly didn't make it beyond the first few hours).SIL has only boys.I have 2 beautiful girls.

Nat6999 · 26/04/2021 23:31

My Nan what do you want to be filling your house with kids for, isn't one enough to my mum when she told her she was expecting my brother. My mum had lost a very much wanted child three years earlier & had a very pleasant accident with my brother.

QualityRoads · 26/04/2021 23:45

My mum's reaction on being told of my third pregnancy was "Can your body stand it?". Thanks, mother!

Enough4me · 26/04/2021 23:51

@Nat6999 I felt rage for a moment there for your poor mum with her mum's comment, but your mum has has you and your DB so despite an awful loss she gets to have DC who care & that matters more.

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