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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I not important enough

41 replies

One2late · 25/04/2021 12:38

So whenever we are together which is very rare, my husband will either be on his phone or start answering calls from friends. We never get the same days off so we have maybe a morning or few hours after work. I spend every evening aside from 2 evenings a week alone. We go shopping and if my husband gets a call he will totally be gripped by it. If we are in bed having a lazy morning and he gets a call he will answer it and that's it. I on the other hand answer calls when he is not around so as not eat into our time. Am I unreasonable that this is annoying me. This morning we got a lie in and his friend rang and he was gone. To be honest before that he was on his phone anyway. I do everything for him and even calls are ignored when he around. But I can't seem to be important enough for him to think 'no I'm with my wife I wont answer this call'. Am I unreasonable to expect this? Considering I hardly see him. The reason I'm pissed is he said it's hardly a big deal. So I decided if it's not a big deal I wont cut out my friends or lose sleep waiting up for him.

OP posts:

apooagnuandyou · 25/04/2021 12:52

Depends what the expectations are.

Shopping is boring, it's hardly quality time for a couple so calls during chores are fine.

Lazy morning if one is reading a book or browsing the internet, again... it's nto that bad. You could just ASK him not to answer his phone during that time though.

When you have diner together, or actually do something together, (a real activity, not watching tv), he should put you first!

Original poster

One2late · 25/04/2021 13:09

He really doesn't. There have been occasions where in the middle if DTD he has got a message and checked. He has answered calls during DTD. If we are eating he stares ate the TV and wont even look at me to say thank you or it's nice. He is attached to his phone 24/7. Shopping for treats for date night as it was date night, like I said those are the times we have together.

OP posts:

BillyIsMyBunny · 25/04/2021 13:10

So I decided if it's not a big deal I wont cut out my friends or lose sleep waiting up for him.

I’m a bit confused as to what you mean by this. Is he asking you to cut out friends? That is absolutely not okay! Similarly is he expecting you to wait up for him? If these are things he expects you to do but he then it sounds like he is being controlling. Of course you should be able to have your own friendships and go to bed when you want, especially if he doesn’t even want to be present when you spend time with him.

That said if the only reason you cut out friends or wait up for him and ignore phone calls etc is because you feel like you should and not because he’s asking you to then YABU to be annoyed that he isn’t conforming to the same standards as you if he has never asked you to conform to those standards. If you want to answer the phone to a friend just answer the call, don’t choose to ignore it and then be annoyed at him when he answers the phone because you missed out on chatting to yourself friend as it sounds like those are choices you are making, not choices he’s forcing onto you.

Equally, why are you doing everything for him??! Why don’t you just stop - you’re not his mother!!! Honestly it sounds like you are creating the problems by bending over backwards for him and giving him everything he might want and more, even though he doesn’t do the same for you. What does he actually bring to the relationship?

DaphneDuBois · 25/04/2021 13:37

He answers calls during sex and spends meal times without saying a word and is glued to his phone 24/7? Absolutely no way you should be putting up with this. Do you have nothing to talk about any more? Have you tried bringing this up? You might as well be single if you barely spend more than a few minutes of quality time together each week and are made to feel in last place all the time!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/04/2021 13:38

You both need to have a convo and spell out your expectations.... There's obviously a mismatch...

No way would I tolerate someone taking calls mid shag

In our relationship friends chatty calls we have when we are not together... Unless it is an emergency of course....elderly relative calls are on weekend mornings... Works pretty well for us.

For me, utterly pointless having a relationship .... A relationship with no actual time spent together...

SunIsComing · 25/04/2021 13:39

Does he really want to be with you? It seems not.

Original poster

One2late · 25/04/2021 13:40

When he is on his phone I pick mine up, and then he realises and asks me to put mine down. He Luke's to watch ATV when he comes from work and has in the past got grumpy and in fact does get grumpy when I ask him to go bed.

@DaphneDuBois

We have had countless arguments over how much he ignores me. Sometimes I'm talking and he doesnt even hear what I've said. I feel like I'm talking myself.

OP posts:

apooagnuandyou · 25/04/2021 13:42

It's difficult to know if he's addicted to his phone like so many people are, or if it's time to move on from this relationship because you deserve better.

Original poster

One2late · 25/04/2021 13:42

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

You both need to have a convo and spell out your expectations.... There's obviously a mismatch...

No way would I tolerate someone taking calls mid shag

In our relationship friends chatty calls we have when we are not together... Unless it is an emergency of course....elderly relative calls are on weekend mornings... Works pretty well for us.

For me, utterly pointless having a relationship .... A relationship with no actual time spent together...

I'm so glad you've said this. Yes that's why I think I think we are hardly together so chatty calls could wait when I'm alone and he is at work and actually need company. But he doesn't do that. He says sorry and makes it up to me after he has shit like oh you're exaggerating

OP posts:

Original poster

One2late · 25/04/2021 13:43

@apooagnuandyou

It's difficult to know if he's addicted to his phone like so many people are, or if it's time to move on from this relationship because you deserve better.

He I'd definitely addicted to his phone

OP posts:

apooagnuandyou · 25/04/2021 13:45

To be honest, no way would I stay with someone who doesn't put me first.

billy1966 · 25/04/2021 13:46

He sounds like a selfish, ignorant man.

I wouldn't be killing myself for him, I would be actively seeking an exit.

He doesn't sound like he even likes you, he certainly doesn't want to be in your company.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 25/04/2021 13:50

What would happen if you talked to him and asked him to leave his phone in another room overnight or when you are having date nights?

AintPageantMaterial · 25/04/2021 14:04

I would find this unbearable long term. He is quite clearly demonstrating (whether he has really thought about it or not) that you are not interesting to him. There is nothing about your conversation which is ever more worthwhile than the tv. You might as well be a Labrador.

As for answering the phone during sex, I don’t know where to begin. If other people are more interesting to him than you are when you’re actually having sex, I don’t think there’s any point. It shouldn’t need pointing out to him that this is rude. Its obviously insulting behaviour. He cannot possibly think that is an acceptable way to treat anyone. He is either unbelievably stupid and unbelievably rude or he just has no respect or interest in you. Or both.
Don’t waste your breath.

BlackMarauder · 25/04/2021 14:05

Why on earth would you continue to have sex with someone who answers call during? Come on, Op. You need to respect yourself and demand the treatment you deserve or leave if he won't change. He does these things because he doesn't respect you. You're furniture to him at this point especially since you do everything for him with no thanks. Stop taking care of him and stand up for yourself.

PerveenMistry · 25/04/2021 14:06

@One2late

Curious why you are married. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Miasicarisatia · 25/04/2021 14:07

Do it all back to him and see how he likes it....
.... just to entertain yourself while you make a plan to get shut of

CovidSmart · 25/04/2021 14:09

It doesn't sound you have a relationhsip anymore.

You hardly spend time together (not a choice I know) and when you do, anything else is more important.

When are you actualy spending tome together, uninterupted and 1-1 time?

CovidSmart · 25/04/2021 14:11

Btw I think that answering the phone or checking an incoming text whilst having sex is sayng all your need to know....

I'd start making plans to spend time on my own doing things you enjoy, wo him.

toocold54 · 25/04/2021 14:11

I on the other hand answer calls when he is not around so as not eat into our time.

I think you not answering your phone when he’s around is as weird as him answering during sex.
You are both in the wrong and need to compromise more. It just sounds like you’re completely mismatched.

How long have you been together/been like this for?

Dontbeme · 25/04/2021 14:11

When he is on his phone I pick mine up, and then he realises and asks me to put mine down

Does he put his down too, or are you expected to be ready to do whatever he wants, when he wants? As for answering the phone during sex I hope you got out of bed and told him he could fuck himself from now on. He seems a truly ignorant, disrespectful man who barely notices you until he has a need that he wants you to service. I would be rethinking if you want to stay in a relationship like this OP, it must be so lonely.

Thatsnotmyfacemynoseistoobig · 25/04/2021 14:11

Its pretty obvious you don’t coms first, what are you getting from this relationship?

Choccyaddict4eva · 25/04/2021 14:18

I wouldn’t stand for this, and as for checking his messages mid sex, wow, just wow. He’s not prioritising you. You need to decide whether there’s anything worth salvaging or not. I would put a time limit on the situation to see if he can change, and if not, leave.

waitingforthenextseason · 25/04/2021 14:28

If my DH picked up the phone to read a text or take a call when we were DTD, he'd have been read the riot act and sex on the spot. And there would be no more sex until he understood how incredibly rude, disrespectful and shitty he was behaving.

If it happened again, I think the relationship would clearly be over.

What do you see in him? Seeing as you aren't actually seeing him....

BillyIsMyBunny · 25/04/2021 15:07

What do you mean by he gets grumpy when you ask him to go to bed? He’s a grown adult he should be able to go to bed when he wants! And equally so should you. You don’t need to go to bed at the same time if you have different body clocks.

It sounds like you have different ideas of what being in a relationship and living together should be. It sounds like you very much want to be a couple living one life, you want any time together to be where the focus is only on each other, friends to be reserved for times the partner is unavailable and to do things like watch the same TV shows together and then go to bed at the same time. On the other hand it sounds like he wants to be able to hold onto his own life and interests, to be able to watch your own shows and to go to bed when you want. It’s not necessarily that either persons idea of how to be in a live-in relationship is wrong (although some things like checking his phone during sex are clearly not okay) but they’re definitely not compatible ideals. Because you’re not compatible it sounds like both of you try to control the other to get you to meet your ideals; it’s controlling to tell your partner to get of their phone or to tell them when they can or can’t go to bed.

What are how good features? What are the positives of being in a relationship with him? In your position I think I would start planning to move on and find someone who valued me in the same way I valued him.

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