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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I not important enough

41 replies

One2late · 25/04/2021 12:38

So whenever we are together which is very rare, my husband will either be on his phone or start answering calls from friends. We never get the same days off so we have maybe a morning or few hours after work. I spend every evening aside from 2 evenings a week alone. We go shopping and if my husband gets a call he will totally be gripped by it. If we are in bed having a lazy morning and he gets a call he will answer it and that's it. I on the other hand answer calls when he is not around so as not eat into our time. Am I unreasonable that this is annoying me. This morning we got a lie in and his friend rang and he was gone. To be honest before that he was on his phone anyway. I do everything for him and even calls are ignored when he around. But I can't seem to be important enough for him to think 'no I'm with my wife I wont answer this call'. Am I unreasonable to expect this? Considering I hardly see him. The reason I'm pissed is he said it's hardly a big deal. So I decided if it's not a big deal I wont cut out my friends or lose sleep waiting up for him.

OP posts:
Silverfly · 25/04/2021 15:13

OP, you say that you “do everything for him”. I think that is the key thing here. If you put someone else first all the time, they often start taking you for granted. Put yourself first for a change and stop doing everything for him. I know it seems counter intuitive, but you might find that he actually starts noticing you and valuing you more.

FindingMeno · 25/04/2021 15:20

I'd ring him and ask him how is dinner is.
Answer your calls. Get friends to ring you when he's about. Refuse to put your phone down when he asks.
Childish, but I'm an arsey bugger, and it'd get his attention so you can talk.

FinallyHere · 25/04/2021 15:40

in the middle of DTH

Once would be too much for me. That just isn't right. The way you mention it as if it were routine makes me feel very, very sad for you.

What is your situation ? Do you have somewhere to go while the divorce settlement can be worked out ?

MumW · 25/04/2021 15:55

Answers mid DTD Shock That is definitely not on. From now on, it's phones off else it doesn't happen. If that's not acceptable to him, then I think you have to think about whether he has checked out of the relationship and it's time to call it a day. You're obviously nor happy with things as they are.

Perhaps you can log everytime he ignores you, allows calls/text to interrupt and show him just how bad it is. Plot the amount of time he spends on the phone versus your time together.

One2late · 25/04/2021 16:10

Thank you everyone for replying. We live in a bedroom flat that has been turned to a studio so we cant have the tv on when the other wants to go to bed. I've posted this on here to make sure I'm not overreacting before I have a serious discussion with him. He has only checked his phone once whilst dtd but it links to everything.
We dont see each other as we ar both working full time with very busy jobs . But as someone said I need to lay things on the table because I think I'm reaching that point where I don't want to be ignored anymore.

OP posts:
One2late · 25/04/2021 16:11

@FindingMeno

I'd ring him and ask him how is dinner is. Answer your calls. Get friends to ring you when he's about. Refuse to put your phone down when he asks. Childish, but I'm an arsey bugger, and it'd get his attention so you can talk.
Hahaha love this one
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One2late · 25/04/2021 16:16

@BillyIsMyBunny

What do you mean by he gets grumpy when you ask him to go to bed? He’s a grown adult he should be able to go to bed when he wants! And equally so should you. You don’t need to go to bed at the same time if you have different body clocks.

It sounds like you have different ideas of what being in a relationship and living together should be. It sounds like you very much want to be a couple living one life, you want any time together to be where the focus is only on each other, friends to be reserved for times the partner is unavailable and to do things like watch the same TV shows together and then go to bed at the same time. On the other hand it sounds like he wants to be able to hold onto his own life and interests, to be able to watch your own shows and to go to bed when you want. It’s not necessarily that either persons idea of how to be in a live-in relationship is wrong (although some things like checking his phone during sex are clearly not okay) but they’re definitely not compatible ideals. Because you’re not compatible it sounds like both of you try to control the other to get you to meet your ideals; it’s controlling to tell your partner to get of their phone or to tell them when they can or can’t go to bed.

What are how good features? What are the positives of being in a relationship with him? In your position I think I would start planning to move on and find someone who valued me in the same way I valued him.

No it's not controlling his bed times. We live in a small council flat and it's open plan so if he has tv on I can't sleep. We have compromised and he gets to unwind when he comes from work and I wait up. Otherwise I would get woken up and be up all night. We go to bed at midnight I wake up at 5am. If I didnt ask him to wake up he would be up until midnight as he works from 4 until 11.

As for phones, I do think its rude to have your phone out when uts date night and you've both worked hard to spend time with each other. But then I guess this is why I posted to make sure I'm nit throwing ultimatum about when I'm the one who is unreasonable.

OP posts:
BillyIsMyBunny · 25/04/2021 17:12

What are your working hours to be getting up at 5am? Honestly it sounds like a massive problem is your open-plan studio flat combined with your very different working hours. He is working 4pm - 11pm and understandably wants some time to unwind before going to bed but then you presumably start work very early and need to be up at 5am, understandably you therefore want to get to bed as early as possible after he gets home.

Living in a studio you are in each other’s spaces all of the time and on top of that you must be permanently tired only getting 5 hours sleep every night. That will turn things that start as minor frustrations into big ones and make it difficult to unpick what is genuinely unreasonable behaviour from reasonable, albeit annoying, behaviour. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your DP not to ever take a phone call when you are together but equally there are situations where it is reasonable to expect him to put down the phone. Sex is obviously one and I agree date night should be another, but things like sitting in bed together having a lie-in is a greyer area.

You can’t expect to have his undivided attention all of the time and equally if you only have one open-plan room it is harder to define and separate time you're spending together from time you’re at home together. In a larger house there might be times you're both home where you choose to be reading upstairs whilst he is watching TV downstairs and other times you would choose to do something together. But in your one-room flat you’re both always in the same room and the issue seems to be that you see time you’re both home as quality time and he sees it as downtime. Therefore he sees it as time it’s okay to take a phone call for example but you see it as an interruption.

I think it would be reasonable of you both to agree on specific times where you expect to spend time as a couple, such as date night, and to have ground rules such as no phones/ interruptions during those times. But it’s also reasonable that some of the time you are both home is free for you both to do other things like take phone calls or watch TV without needing to focus all attention on the other.

It definitely sounds like you both need to communicate more about what you want and expect because at the moment it sounds like neither of you know what the other needs and like both of you are wrongly assuming the other is on the same page in terms of what is and isn’t okay during downtime. I can completely understand for example why you’re frustrated when you’ve ignored a phonecall and then 10 minutes later he answers the phone, but equally it sounds like ignoring your call was a self-imposed rule and not something he asked you to do. You therefore need to communicate better to try and reach an agreement and compromise. Then obviously if even after you’ve had a conversation where you both outline your needs and agree on how quality time should be spent he’s still glued to his phone I think it would be time to consider if he’s worth investing in.

Miasicarisatia · 25/04/2021 17:26

to make sure I'm not overreacting before I have a serious discussion with him
good luck with that...these types tend to be reluctant to take anything seriously unless it directly benefits him. I predict he will make light of it, tell you you're making a fuss over nothing etc. It's not in his interests to have a proper adult discussion because he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he will reflexively use whatever distraction techniques come to hand.

FinallyHere · 25/04/2021 17:37

If you have honestly not already decided to het rid, then I'd suggest headphones for watching / listening to the TV when the other is asleep.

Don't wait up for him, it's a colossal waste of your time.

Generally, though, are you really compatible?

provencegal · 25/04/2021 17:45

It’s really rude and disrespectful, and would be a dealbreaker for me.

It would be a case of this stops right now, or we are over.

If you don’t feel loved and important now then when? It sounds totally shit to me anyway seeing so little of each other, and I would want out assuming he is not into ‘us’ anymore or too selfish to know what a good relationship looks like.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2021 17:55

"When he is on his phone I pick mine up, and then he realises and asks me to put mine down."

Err - whatConfused? So it seems he can see you, you are not totally invisible to him - oh, wait, it's not you he sees, it's your phone!

This is totally mad. He asks you to put your phone down - whilst still being on his? Seriously, does he expect you to be standing to attention waiting for him to notice you? I mean - what the fuck Confused?

InFiveMins · 25/04/2021 18:25

YANBU. It's disrespectful. We have an understanding between us that if we're together we try not to look at our phones so we can actually talk and enjoy each others company. Taking the odd call is absolutely fine but being so addicted to his phone is rude and disruptive. You need to tell him.

Aprilx · 25/04/2021 18:38

I don’t think there is anything wrong with answering the phone in front of each other, that is what would happen with the landline and sounds like normal life (with the exception of whilst DTD).

But there is so much more to this, it sounds like the relationship is dead and certainly he is bored of it, whilst you are maybe trying to make it work. Are you staying together for any children?

HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 18:40

What is the point of a relationship with him? Seriously - you wouldn't put up with this in a friend, would you?

One2late · 25/04/2021 20:12

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes to people who said the flat is the problem, which is why we are both working like donkeys trying to make enough for a deposit.
I agree with people who said that we need to have clear boundaries when the phone is allowed and when its not.

Thank you for everyone's replies.

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