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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked about these chocolate oranges?

32 replies

imaginethemdragons · 25/04/2021 08:45

I work 6 days a week.
I have 2 kids.
I leave the house at 6am and get home after 6pm most days.
I’ve worked throughout the last 12 months 60 hours a week. I am a front line nurse.

I live 10 minutes from my mother. She is the only person in my bubble.
She needs knee replacement, has a dodgy heart so has had lots of appointments for cardiac investigators and for assessment for her knee.
I take her food shopping weekly as it’s the only time she gets to go out other than me taking her to her medical appointments.
My DH does diy around her house for her.
She comes to me every Christmas, I take her out for her birthday etc..

My sister lives 10 minutes from her, has one grown up child. Only has herself to bother about. She goes to her pils regularly, takes lavish presents, invites them for meals.
My mum got a card & a home bargains candle for her 70th from my sister. Nothing for Christmas.

I have asked her for some help around medical appointments, answer was a no, sorry I can’t help.
Has popped in to see my mum probably 3 times in the last 8 months, to pick up things like birthday presents from my mum to her, her partner (who my mum hasn’t seen for 2 years) or her child (who my mum hasn’t seen for over 2 years).
Every few weeks my mum has a chocolate orange in her shopping trolley. She doesn’t like chocolate oranges.
Turns out she collects them as they are my sisters favourite to give to her when she sees her.
I get, have never had, a single thing. Not even a bloody Mars bar.
I was bloody mad.
Anyhow, I’m struggling to be able to carry on this level of support so I’ve asked my sister to take my mum shopping for a couple of months to give me a break. She has agreed thank goodness.
But I’m mad about the bloody chocolate oranges. I love a chocolate orange I do.
It just doesn’t seem bloody fair does it.

OP posts:
TerrifiedandWorried · 25/04/2021 08:48

No. It's really unfair. You sound like an all round amazing human being. I'd buy you a chocolate orange any day.

SquashMinusIsShit · 25/04/2021 08:48

I totally get it, you do all the grunt work but your sister gets the treat. Is she the golden child? It sounds like your mum really really takes you for granted but short of stopping doing stuff for her I'm not sure what you can do. Talking to her might help but she would probably get defensive.

Hardbackwriter · 25/04/2021 08:50

Oh OP. No, that is not fair, not at all. Is this a dynamic that has always been there - was it like this when you were children? - or is it something more recent? People can get so used to the most reliable and caring people in their life that they take them for granted, but that doesn't make it ok. They can also become almost resentful of people they rely on because they resent having to rely on anyone.

TerrifiedandWorried · 25/04/2021 08:51

It could be that your mum can see that you love her because you show her every day by your actions but she is not secure that your sister does so tries to please her.

Hardbackwriter · 25/04/2021 08:52

@TerrifiedandWorried

It could be that your mum can see that you love her because you show her every day by your actions but she is not secure that your sister does so tries to please her.
I think this may well be true - she's trying to
Floweree · 25/04/2021 08:52

I know this doesn't help, and I would also find it upsetting, but it's probably as you are dependable and she knows you will always be there for her. Probably the orange is subconsciously a way to try and encourage your sister to bother. Again, not excusing it or saying it isn't frustrating, but it is probably as you are such an amazing support to her she feels she doesn't need to 'encourage' you to pop over. Say can I please have some choc mum, she probably hasn't thought about it from your perspective.

Hardbackwriter · 25/04/2021 08:54

Sorry, sent too soon! She's trying to appease your sister because she knows she's quite close to not seeing her at all. But I don't think that's ok behaviour from a parent. You see it a lot with children - they're least grateful to those whose love they're most secure about and they often bend over backwards to please, say, a shit, barely present parent - and then it's understandable (and sad) but OP's mother isn't a child.

UseMyName · 25/04/2021 08:54

What did your mother say when you asked her where your chocolate orange was?

MaryMow22 · 25/04/2021 08:55

YANBU! :(

Original poster
imaginethemdragons · 25/04/2021 08:57

Ahhh thanks everyone, I thought I would get totally flamed for being grabby and like a spoiled child!
My sister isn’t the golden child but is a very very difficult human being, almost impossible to have a normal relationship with. I keep her at arms length. I think my mum does this to try to keep her sweet.
I get it, but I’m still irked.

OP posts:
serin · 25/04/2021 08:58

Ouch, I can see how that would hurt.
Maybe she loves you so much that she sort of sees you as an extension of herself, so you won't mind getting nothing? Whereas she needs to impress your sister......but I'm clutching at straws here.
You sound amazing but stressed, I'm glad you are taking some time for yourself.

Original poster
imaginethemdragons · 25/04/2021 09:00

I found out about the chocolate orange because she had a few out on the coffee table one day when I went to pick her up for shopping.
When I asked her about them, she said she had got them for my sister who said she was coming round that morning to borrow the lawn mower....but hadn’t turned up.
I smiled sweetly and took a chocolate orange and said..”well, she won’t miss this one will she!”.

OP posts:
wishywashywoowoo70 · 25/04/2021 09:01

Bloody hell id be fuming.
I think I'd have to say something to your DM too

You're a superstar anyway Daffodil

SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2021 09:04

I would tell her you are hurt.
I agree with pps but your Mum feels less secure with your sister, but I also think that her feeling secure with you has slipped into taking you for granted.
Just say something in a way that makes the point then move on. “So where is my chocolate orange then? “
You deserve a whole crate of them OP !

Witchinthewardrobe · 25/04/2021 09:20

It does sound like your mum is using the choc oranges as a rather desperate way of maintaining a relationship with your sister. It’s not because she loves her more or thinks she deserves them, it’s because that’s the extent of their relationship. It’s sad really. Just think:

What you have- a meaningful and loving relationship with mum. Mum knows you love her.

What your sister has- a shallow almost nonexistent relationship, mum doesn’t feel loved by her and has to tempt her ober with chocolate (which is fairly ineffective, apparently)

I know which daughter I’d rather have, and rather be.

FrozenVag · 25/04/2021 09:21

Well she’s clearly thing to keep your sister on side.

Has she got kids?

My sister does this with my dad: he gets a state banquet when he visits; my mum gets a cup of tea

Guess who is the selfish abusive fuck and guess who is the saint?

It annoys us all even though we can see where is comes from

ImaHogg · 25/04/2021 09:30

You are not being unreasonable at all. I am in a similar position, I have to children, a job and spend most of my spare time helping to look after my parents, mum has Alzheimer’s and dad doesn’t cope at all. I do all the looking after, making appointments, chasing appointments and taking mum to appointments. My younger sister and only sibling lives around the corner from mum and dad, has no children of her own but does hardly anything to help. My parents give me nothing for the help I offer even though they know I am struggling financially yet they have bailed out my sister endless times over the years. Makes my feel like such a skivvy.

feelingfree17 · 25/04/2021 09:32

Aaaw, you sound so lovely - We’d all happily send you a chocolate orange! Try not to take it to heart. You wouldn’t want to be the person your sister sounds like. Enjoy the time you have with your mum when time allows and thank you for being one of our little nursing heroes

Hardbackwriter · 25/04/2021 09:34

@Witchinthewardrobe

It does sound like your mum is using the choc oranges as a rather desperate way of maintaining a relationship with your sister. It’s not because she loves her more or thinks she deserves them, it’s because that’s the extent of their relationship. It’s sad really. Just think:

What you have- a meaningful and loving relationship with mum. Mum knows you love her.

What your sister has- a shallow almost nonexistent relationship, mum doesn’t feel loved by her and has to tempt her ober with chocolate (which is fairly ineffective, apparently)

I know which daughter I’d rather have, and rather be.

Again I think this would be true if OP was the parent being shown less obvious gratitude by their child - knowing they know you love them is its own reward, especially if we're talking about actual children not adults - but I don't think it's fair or realistic to think that most people would be ok with this with their own parent. Both adults and children don't crave their parent knowing that they (the child) love and value them (the parent), they crave feeling loved and valued by the parent.
Witchinthewardrobe · 25/04/2021 09:45

Hardback- I do agree with you, but I do think the dynamic flips a little bit when our parents become older and more dependent. You know one days you will lose them, and nothing wrenches my heart more than the thought my mum might die without knowing how much I love her (sorry for being morbid!).

I lost my dad when young, unexpectedly. I was a selfish teenager and it hurts to think I never really showed him how much he meant to me. Things will be different for mum. Anyway this is a bit of a tangent, but it’s why Infeel the dynamic flips for some people.

81Byerley · 25/04/2021 09:53

@TerrifiedandWorried

It could be that your mum can see that you love her because you show her every day by your actions but she is not secure that your sister does so tries to please her.
I agree.
Ellie56 · 25/04/2021 09:55

I'd be saying, "Where's mine?"

Springchickpea · 25/04/2021 09:55

Don’t worry OP, I got a bit like this recently when my sis was lording her bloody Easter egg all over facebook. She lives close to them, I don’t, but god, I like Easter eggs too!

Original poster
imaginethemdragons · 25/04/2021 10:00

“Lording her bloody Easter egg”!! Grin ahh this made my smile!

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 25/04/2021 10:05

You get in there and eat those Kings of Confectionery yourself!