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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother still hasn’t met baby 14 months on

30 replies

RosieD1986 · 25/04/2021 07:39

Hi,

So I have nothing in common with my brother and his partner - my brother and I have never been close as adults and they live their lives in a very different way to me (they commit benefit fraud and have a number of dodgy schemes on the go) whereas my husband and I clearly don’t believe in that way of life. I’ve always kept in touch though and visited / made sure I’ve sent presents because of their three kids (it’s not their fault how they’re being brought up!). I live about an hour and 45 mins away from them and (pre covid) visited two or three times a year. Before living where I do now, I lived three and a half hours away but would still visit a couple of times a year and stay in a hotel (to see my parents too as they live near them). I had my little boy at the beginning of March last year and my brother and his family have made no effort to see him. Of course we went into lockdown three weeks after he was born but there have been multiple occasions they could have seen him, be it when lockdown was lifted over summer or at other times when we could meet outside / rule of six. For example I’ve met my parents (when allowed) for picnics in the Peak District, which is the halfway point. On several occasions I’ve said ‘just let me know what day you’d like to meet / come over’ etc. My brother’s girlfriend says they’re desperate to meet him but then I never hear about any plans. I think the presumption is I should travel to them as I always have done (they’ve never visited me wherever I’ve lived). I then start feeling guilty and think maybe I should just go over, but should I?! My husband thinks I should just leave it and let them make the plans for once.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 25/04/2021 07:44

With travel restrictions still in place people are forced to choose carefully who they want to meet. You say you have never been close, so you are not high on his list unfortunately.

Allwokedup · 25/04/2021 07:47

They want you to travel to them. You also come across as if you think you’re better than them.

FlyingBurrito · 25/04/2021 07:47

I agree with your husband, why would you bother? In the situation you describe I'd leave them be and get on with my own life.

DHdweller · 25/04/2021 07:50

I have a similar relationship with mine. From his point of view he has other things he’d rather do, don’t take it personally and just crack on with life

PermanentTemporary · 25/04/2021 07:51

Do you actually want to see them? Do you miss them, like seeing them? Not that you have to be super close or think they're perfect, but do you want that connection with your brother?

If so, make the running - tell them you really want to see them and offer 2 dates for them to choose from, maybe after 17 May as things will be easier then.

If you don't really care whether you see them or not, leave it. I have followed this rule with a brother in law and family. Looking back (especially over whatsapp) I was always the one trying to arrange a meeting. They never followed through on arrangements unless I pretty much forced the issue. 3 years ago my brother in law blamed me for my husband's death in court. We have moved on to be able to chat pleasantly if we do meet, and I can now see his good qualities again and wish him well, but I'm not going to lift a finger to actually spend time with him.

pasturesgreen · 25/04/2021 07:53

They're telling you loud and clear that you aren't one of their priorities. Which is fair enough, you say yourself you've never been close. Listen to what they're saying and scale contact way back.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 25/04/2021 07:54

I love my brothers very much but we are rubbish and meeting up, in that it never happens.

We see each other at Christmas and big birthdays like our mum or dads 60th.

So I'd say to just let it go and every time you meet with your parents invite them along.

You can't force them to come over and it sounds like you have tried a few times now.

Do they have kids? Maybe they have been TTC and it's a sore spot.

GappyValley · 25/04/2021 07:56

@Allwokedup

They want you to travel to them. You also come across as if you think you’re better than them.

If they are committing benefit fraud and up to other dodgy things, OP almost certainly IS better than them

ivfbeenbusy · 25/04/2021 07:57

So I have nothing in common with my brother and his partner - my brother and I have never been close as adults and they live their lives in a very different way to me

So why does it bother you enough to post about it? I'm going to say YABU to let it bother you

BrumBoo · 25/04/2021 07:58

You obviously don't like your brother, and if you hadn't had a baby you obviously wouldn't want much to do with him. So a bit unsure why having a baby makes it much different.

FangsForTheMemory · 25/04/2021 08:00

You say you’ve got nothing in common but you normally see him three times a year? I’ve nothing in common with my sibling and don’t see them ever!

Silverfly · 25/04/2021 08:01

I'm not very close to my brother - we get on fine but don't have a lot in common. We stay in touch by text but we haven't seen each other's DC for ages. We do send birthday and Christmas cards and money.

DH's brother (who doesn't have DC) hasn't seen my DC for years (tbf he does live abroad) and never sends cards or presents either.

You don't have to be close to your siblings.

minniemomo · 25/04/2021 08:04

Unfortunately that's just the way some people are, expect you to do the visiting. With exh we had relatives like that, mil visited us maybe 5 times in 20 years, bil never! (Oddly ex mil contacted me to visit where I now live, go figure!)

Jollof · 25/04/2021 08:58

Some people are just like that.
My sibling hasn't visited me in years. My youngest is 5 and my sibling has not once met that DC in my home or my local area. In fact, that sibling has only visited me when thinking of moving to the area or needing a favour.

My DH's siblings have only visited us for limited special occasions, twice since my youngest was born. They did visit to meet my eldest as a newborn - I guess making the effort for DH's first child.

Neither set of siblings ever suggest meeting in the middle or invite us to see them. So generally, we only see them when we visit parents and then siblings will sometimes also travel to parents.

We used to invite our siblings to visit us, make suggestions for places to meet, etc. But nothing ever came of it so now we don't bother. It's a shame for the kids but you can't make people make an effort.

GabriellaMontez · 25/04/2021 09:28

Do you think your clear superiority comes across when you get together? I wonder what they say about you.

Lollypop4 · 25/04/2021 09:32

Dont bother visiting them anytime soon.

My BIL hasnt met his only niece yet ( we have an older DS) our Dd is 3.5yrs old
They live 2hrs away with no DC themselves..., His loss!

Billandben444 · 25/04/2021 09:36

Don't bother with them. I haven't seen my sister for nearly 4 years and she only lives 60 miles away - neither of us can be arsed to make the effort as we have nothing in common any more. Leave it up to them to arrange something but it is more of a hassle to travel with 3 children so perhaps they can't be arsed either.

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 09:38

It does depend on whether or not you actually want to see them, or do you feel obliged to make the effort somehow because he's your brother? Even if you aren't close, I can see why it's upsetting they don't make any effort, because at the end of the day, he's your family. That being said I would push to make plans with them, carry on with your life and enjoy your baby.

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 09:39

**wouldn't push!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/04/2021 09:39

a 1hr 45 minute journey with three kids just to see a baby is actually quite an ask in these strange times.

Spidey66 · 25/04/2021 09:43

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

I love my brothers very much but we are rubbish and meeting up, in that it never happens.

We see each other at Christmas and big birthdays like our mum or dads 60th.

So I'd say to just let it go and every time you meet with your parents invite them along.

You can't force them to come over and it sounds like you have tried a few times now.

Do they have kids? Maybe they have been TTC and it's a sore spot.

The original post says they have 3 kids, so unlikely to be a reason.

I'd let it go. You're clearly not close and don't appear to like them much. Send bday and Christmas cards and presents to them and/Or the kids, and see them at your parents home.

Spied · 25/04/2021 09:43

Struggling with money so can't afford the travel/petrol/overnight accommodation/time off ?
( Although I'm sure our money they are taking illegally would stretch to a visit)

glassbrightly · 25/04/2021 09:45

We've been in a pandemic. I've seen my parents twice since my youngest turned 1, he's now nearly three. Honestly the fact that you even think this is an issue (you already say you don't have much in common, don't have much money, have the logistics of three kids not just one baby to think about), tells me that you can't see anything from their perspective, so they're probably not interested in seeing you, no.

grapewine · 25/04/2021 09:48

You have nothing in common, you're going on about them committing benefit fraud... Maybe they don't like you much either and are not interested. YABU.

HeddaGarbled · 25/04/2021 09:51

My husband thinks I should just leave it and let them make the plans for once

I agree with him.

I’d also like to add that ‘meeting’ babies isn’t that big a deal for some people.

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