AIBU?
DS’s dad. The last straw.
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 18:31
I’ve posted about DS’s dad a few times but have also name changed a few times too as some is quite outing. This may be long sorry.
Anyway DS and his dad have had a stained relationship for a while - DS is 10. It’s been getting somewhat on track again recently but still not great. His dad has always been really inconsistent in his life even more so since he’s been with his new partner and has younger children now.
Anyway, DS seen his dad for an hour 2 weeks ago. At the end of the visit his dad said he would come around again the next week and take him out for lunch - which would have been last weekend. He didn’t turn up - no phone call or text - just nothing - it’s quite a common occurrence to n turn up but he’d usually let us know with some lame excuse.
Anyway. So this week he came over to see him yesterday evening in the garden - for all but 10 minutes in passing! He only lives a few miles away.
DS asked his dad why didn’t come over last week or even let him know. My ex told DS that last weekend he went to a theme park with his partner and their children and couldn’t have DS.
It’s not that I think DS should have gone (although he may have actually enjoyed it but I don’t expect them to take him) but it’s the way DS was waiting to see is his dad would turn up last weekend with no explanation and then he tells DS that!! Aibu to really bleddy peed off? For promising your son lunch out to just ignoring him and doing something else?! Surely this is wrong on all levels?
I’m not sure if it’s my ex or her tbh. What went through their mind to promise DS a trip out for lunch once week and completely ignore it the next and just bugger off with no explanation.
DS is upset not because he would want to go (we do lots here) but it’s because he’s been let down again!
I just don’t want him in DS’s life anymore. I’ve never stopped visits or anything but I feel like I should for my sons own well-being. He gets so upset.
There has been so many other issues too. He’s not allowed in their house (not just since covid but before too). Because she doesn’t want DS upsetting her kids routines - why have kids with a bloke who has a kid then.
DS’s dad has never been a full on dad to DS. We split when I was pregnant. More like a glorified babysitter tbh!
It’s really affecting DS - who is an anxious child. I’m just done with it. I think DS would be so much happier if he didn’t have to do this see and wait thing for his dad every weekend!
Lolapusht · 24/04/2021 18:39
He’ll no! Doesn’t sound like it’s court ordered contact so give him a time to be there by and if he doesn’t show up he’s missed his chance for that week/fortnight. Mention in passing to DS that his lump of a dad might be coming on X but then don’t mention it again. From the sounds of him, contact will tail off which would be a good thing for your DS.
Cancelling him to take someone else’s children to a theme park is really shitty, telling DS a that’s why he didn’t show up is unforgivable. “You might be my son, but you’re not important enough to me to see you for lunch and I’d much rather spend the day and my hard earned cash on children you’re not allowed to meet because my DP thinks so little of you she won’t have you in our house”.
Please stop contact. He can take you to court is he’s that desperate. Does he pay CM?
mummyof4kids · 24/04/2021 18:41
Agree with pp if your son doesn't want contact then I would go with what your son wants.
He's not allowed in their house??? What? So I'm assuming your ex doesn't have ds overnight?
He doesn't sound like much of a dad to be honest, I'd have given him a piece of my mind before now.
Not taking him to theme park is cruel in my opinion, his other kids are your sons siblings, it's not fair to keep them separate like that
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 18:43
@Lolapusht
Cancelling him to take someone else’s children to a theme park is really shitty, telling DS a that’s why he didn’t show up is unforgivable. “You might be my son, but you’re not important enough to me to see you for lunch and I’d much rather spend the day and my hard earned cash on children you’re not allowed to meet because my DP thinks so little of you she won’t have you in our house”.
Please stop contact. He can take you to court is he’s that desperate. Does he pay CM?
Absolutely. He would have been better off saying he had to work or something!
He does pay CM (tbh it’s only £30 PW) but I think he often sees it as a get out. Like a ‘well you can’t moan at me for not seeing DS as I pay for him’ type of thing. Money doesn’t buy precious time though - plus £30 PW doesn’t get much at all!
B33Fr33 · 24/04/2021 18:43
You can only focus on the ex. He's the one who should be parenting his child.
Focus on that. If DS doesn't want to, just pass that on.
If he does you need to (try) to insist on a routine for your son. One he can rely on, one where he can access his Dad that isn't disrupted by peripheral issues in exes life. If ex won't commit to a routine then tell him DS would be better off without as this constant letting down will cripple is self confidence.
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 18:44
@mummyof4kids
He's not allowed in their house??? What? So I'm assuming your ex doesn't have ds overnight?
He doesn't sound like much of a dad to be honest, I'd have given him a piece of my mind before now.
Not taking him to theme park is cruel in my opinion, his other kids are your sons siblings, it's not fair to keep them separate like that
He did have him very occasionally overnight when he was much smaller but it came to a stop when he had his younger children!
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 18:50
Quite often DS will say he doesn’t want to see him but I’ve let him decide. I was kept from seeing my father and I’ve never wanted the same for DS but I’ve let my sons dad walk all over us for years. It’s always been on his terms. I feel like I need to take this back!
He didn’t see him at all through lockdown 1. I know it was a difficult time. But children were allowed to travel between both parents but my sons dad told DS that it wasn’t allowed - so he used it as a perfect excuse and lied. DS has since found out (he talks at school with friends etc) that other children seen both their parents throughout lockdown 🤨
pallisers · 24/04/2021 18:50
So your son never spends time with his half-siblings? Your ex is piece of shit but I judge his partner too. how could you do this to a child?
Telling your son your ditched him without a word because you were taking your other more important children to a theme park is so cruel. Even if he lied .... I can't see what this man would bring to your son's life except misery and making him feel inadequate.
When your son no longer wants to see him of course his narrative in the future will be "ex wouldn't let me see him - mad bitch"
Lollypop4 · 24/04/2021 18:51
This happened to my DP.
As an adult now, It has always deeply ,deeply effected him.
DP DM stopped his DF seeing him in the end as it was having a really bad effect on him- he was 10 at time.
As a result though, DP also has v.little relationship with his DM for 20yrs.
He knows she was doing the best for him but at the time ,he resented her greatly from stopping his father seeing him.
But, I would do exactly the same- If DP messed our kids around constantly, he wpuldnt be in their lives.
Miasicarisatia · 24/04/2021 18:52
I would not tolerate this situation where he treats his son as subordinate to his other children, I think I would use a strategy of gradual disengagement.
I would not inform the 'father' he doesnt deserve any consideration, just quietly cut him loose and let him drift off with the tide.
(keep a detailed record of everything just in case)
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 19:08
@Lollypop4
As an adult now, It has always deeply ,deeply effected him.
DP DM stopped his DF seeing him in the end as it was having a really bad effect on him- he was 10 at time.
As a result though, DP also has v.little relationship with his DM for 20yrs.
He knows she was doing the best for him but at the time ,he resented her greatly from stopping his father seeing him.
But, I would do exactly the same- If DP messed our kids around constantly, he wpuldnt be in their lives.
I’ve never known my father! I think my mum made it extremely difficult for him but for no reason in our case so a little different. Also in my case I never knew my dad so can’t miss what I never had. But probably worse for a child who has known their dad but it’s come to a stop.
I’m finding it hard. What would be worse? Not seeing your dad or seeing him occasionally and him messing with your head?!
DS can make his own decisions. But the letting him down, not turning up is really messing him up. Even on the times he has seen him he is always late, changes times or plans last minute etc. I know things come up but this is every time!
I had some serious words with DS’s dad last year regarding all the issues we’ve had and he said he will really try harder but it’s come to nothing!
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 19:09
@Miasicarisatia
I would not inform the 'father' he doesnt deserve any consideration, just quietly cut him loose and let him drift off with the tide.
(keep a detailed record of everything just in case)
I so wish I had started recording everything years ago now but stupidly didn’t! 😒
for you bothMiasicarisatia · 24/04/2021 19:30
I so wish I had started recording everything years ago now but stupidly didn’t!
hey, no one expects to have to gather evidence about a partner... dont beat yourself up!
But start now and if you can also work backwards a bit, try and remember some key events etc
Blakey24 · 24/04/2021 20:35
@Allwokedup
Yes I do believe they could be true. DS isn’t too bothered either way tbh. He’s quite often said he doesn’t want to see him. His dad has guilt tripped at times to see him yet let’s him down at other times?
I guess my sons dad is not a nice person and is very very self absorbed. He was a nightmare to be with as a partner and an even worse dad. Even with his current partner I think it’s very much he does his own thing half the time and she’s at home a lot of time alone with her young children! He really doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
But the worst part is his dad was very similar when he was a child - you’d think he would want different? My long term dp had a tough time with both his bio dad and his stepdad (bio dad not seeing him and stepdad being a bully) and he said he would always try his best not to let his kids go through the same (the kids we have together and DS as he treats them all the same).
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 24/04/2021 20:43
I have experience with an unreliable Ex and a disappointed DS. I now send (by recorded post) a letter with dates and times that DS is available for contact with his dad. The letter states ExH needs to confirm by a certain time that morning that he will turn up or DS will be unavailable. It gives us some consistency and stops DS standing waiting at the window for someone who doesn't turn up.
If no phone call to confirm we make other plans to distract DS. It's not ideal and is totally poor parenting by ExH but is the best I can get him to do until DS is old enough to decide for himself
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