Baby indecision

Choices21 · 2021-04-24T16:45:56+00:00

Hello, This is my first time posting. But been looking at threads this year. I have just turned 40 and having a debate with DH if we should try to have a baby. I’m unsure but worried it is now or never. What if I regret not doing it? I don’t feel that urge to have a child and like my life the way it is but that nagging thought is in my head.

Trinacham · 24/04/2021 17:54

What is DH opinion on this?

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 24/04/2021 17:55

How long have you been together, did you discuss kids before? What does your DH think?

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2021 17:59

Not enough info without telling us how your DH feels

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2021 18:00

Mind you having said that, if you've no urge to have a child and like your life the way it is, I wouldn't bother.

There are pros and cons to every decision in life and we learn to live with them as best we can.

Piglet89 · 24/04/2021 18:05

If you are unsure, do not do this.

clpsmum · 24/04/2021 18:07

My advice would be if you're not 100% certain then don't x

Thatwentbadly · 24/04/2021 18:07

If you are not sure then don’t. You’ve got to 40 without having a child, what is making you co wider it now?

ViciousJackdaw · 24/04/2021 18:09

For god's sake, DO NOT DO IT!

You don't even want one, FFS. This is another human being we are talking about here, you can't shove it back up or have a 14th trimester abortion.

Seriously, don't create a person you don't actually want because you are worried you might have some uncomfortable feelings in the future.

SquashMinus · 24/04/2021 18:11

What if you have one and regret THAT? You can't put them back! And you shouldn't have a baby to fulfill a "I wonder if I'll ever want one"

miliie55 · 24/04/2021 18:15

Yeah it doesn't sound like u want one. My advice is don't have one. U have to really really really want a child. The reason being it changes ur life beyond what u can imagine and it is sooo more harder than u realise pre children. So if ur not even sure u will most likely regret it.

I've always known I wanted kids and I wouldn't be without them. I knew it wld change my life and be hard but it is harder than I thought. Although I'd be bored without them and they definitely light up my life.

AnotherEmma · 24/04/2021 18:18

Don't do it.

Also, why are PPs asking what DH thinks as if it's the deciding factor?!

No woman should gestate and birth a child she doesn't want, even if the man is desperate to be father.

Trinacham · 24/04/2021 18:39

@AnotherEmma

Don't do it.

Also, why are PPs asking what DH thinks as if it's the deciding factor?!

No woman should gestate and birth a child she doesn't want, even if the man is desperate to be father.

Because if he doesn't want one that would be a bad idea, no other questions needed.

If he does...then we (or I would anyway) then go on to further ask the OP more questions. No one said that it was just based on his decision, you read too much into that! If one half isn't on board, then it is already a 'no, don't do it' for me.

Liverbird77 · 24/04/2021 19:07

I had my first at 41 and second at 43. Like you, I was unsure. I'd always wanted to be a mum in abstract but was worried about resenting loss of freedom/responsibility etc.

It's the best, most wonderful thing I have ever done. It is bloody hard work, but amazing. Rewarding, fun, hilarious.

We have to be at an outdoor play centre for 9.30 tomorrow. It's an hour away. Old me would've been lying in, reading, watching TV. Now, I am actually looking forward to it!

Nobody can advise you. Each person will have a different perspective.
Look forward twenty years. How do you think you'd feel with no kids, as opposed to having one?

FOJN · 24/04/2021 19:35

If you don't actually want a child now then it would be unreasonable to have one as an insurance policy against future regret.

Having a child and regretting it would be much worse than regretting the decision not to.

Parenthood is not for everyone, if you like your life the way it is then just enjoy it.

Original poster

Choices21 · 24/04/2021 20:12

Yikes! Didn’t expect those replies. @ViciousJackdaw, your response is almost aggressive. I really appreciate you are entitled to reply on a public forum but this is already a difficult topic that I’m not finding easy at all. It’s huge.
My DH is yes and no. This is the issue. We both don’t know. We have been married 10 years. We realise that it is life altering and that is scary and we are fearful. Surely that is ok. We wouldn’t be going into this blind.

Thank you all. Bedtime here with a too much sun headache. Goodnight.

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/04/2021 20:15

Unless you are 100% sure you want to, I'd say NO. NO WAY.

ThorosBeta · 24/04/2021 20:15

My advice is that unless you are absolutely certain you want to have children, don’t do it.

Twoginsonetonic · 24/04/2021 20:55

Have a baby. You have not much time left and you will be sorry you didn’t and it will be too late. Unfortunately. Men are different as they have way more time to decide. Yes it will change your life but almost nobody regrets it. I would also advise to all the tests etc. Talk to close people around you. Good luck with your decision.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/04/2021 20:57

@Twoginsonetonic

Have a baby. You have not much time left and you will be sorry you didn’t and it will be too late. Unfortunately. Men are different as they have way more time to decide. Yes it will change your life but almost nobody regrets it. I would also advise to all the tests etc. Talk to close people around you. Good luck with your decision.

PLENTY of people regret it. Many, many, many and admit it on sites like this. And there are no tests for some conditions that can be utterly life-altering, such as autism, which, there is increasing evidence that age can be a factor.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2021 21:30

@Twoginsonetonic

Have a baby. You have not much time left and you will be sorry you didn’t and it will be too late. Unfortunately. Men are different as they have way more time to decide. Yes it will change your life but almost nobody regrets it. I would also advise to all the tests etc. Talk to close people around you. Good luck with your decision.

She will be sorry, will she?

Any chance we could have next week's lottery numbers?

FartnissEverbeans · 24/04/2021 21:36

On this type of post people always advise that you don’t do it because you should be absolutely certain.

You can never be certain because you don’t know what it entails until you do it.

I didn’t want o have children and got pregnant by accident. My son is the best thing I have ever done in my life. He is hilarious, brilliant, clever, funny... he makes me so happy and from the very start I have loved being a mum.

Being certain is great. However, I don’t think anyone can ever be certain as you don know what it’ll be like raising your particular child until they arrive.

Trinacham · 24/04/2021 21:49

@FartnissEverbeans

On this type of post people always advise that you don’t do it because you should be absolutely certain.

You can never be certain because you don’t know what it entails until you do it.

I didn’t want o have children and got pregnant by accident. My son is the best thing I have ever done in my life. He is hilarious, brilliant, clever, funny... he makes me so happy and from the very start I have loved being a mum.

Being certain is great. However, I don’t think anyone can ever be certain as you don know what it’ll be like raising your particular child until they arrive.

Think your spot on with that.

I am pre-kids (wanted them my whole life and just about to start TTC very soon). Even those who are absolutely sure they want children, I'm sure it is still a bit of shock to the system when they do come along (as well as being the most beautiful thing). No one is ever prepared and there will be times of 'what have we let ourselves in for?'

I've known people, particularly older women in my family, who didn't have children and speak of regrets in not doing so, so I definitely get where OP is coming from.

Pleatherandlace · 24/04/2021 21:58

I think if this was something you truly wanted you would have done it by now. Seems like last minute “wobbles” as the window of opportunity is closing rather than a genuine desire to become a mum.

Aria2015 · 24/04/2021 22:05

@Choices21 I can't tell you what to do, I will say though, that I wasn't certain when I took the plunge to try for a baby. In fact I was full of doubts and had a tendency to think of the negatives of having a baby rather than the positives. I've got two now and love being a mum and have zero regrets. Like I said, can't tell you what to do, but just wanted to say that not everyone who has a baby went into it 100% certain they wanted a child. It's a leap of faith for some, and like with all leaps of faith, it works out for some and not for others but I'm personally glad I took the leap.

Weirdwonders · 24/04/2021 22:17

I am in exactly the same position but some of these recent threads do make me think that it’s all a bit self-centred when we start to consider it at this point in life. The tone is ‘what if / regrets / I / me’ - as if children are another ‘experience’ that we need to tick off, when in reality we’re only facing this decision because our fertile years are coming to an end. If they weren’t, would you truly want a child or would you carry on exactly as you have been doing? You’ve managed without them so far.

Turn the question on it’s head. I spoke to a counsellor about it all a while ago and she said ‘what can you offer a child?’ I’m still thinking about the answer.