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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shamelessly ask if you were a Care Experienced Leaver

79 replies

WhoDa · 24/04/2021 17:25

and moved placements a teenager, what would have made things easier for you? NC for this but naice ham, Sistene screamer etc. Have what could be a LT placement starting tomorrow and shamelessly posting for traffic from those wit-lived experience.

OP posts:
Theshoepeople · 25/04/2021 15:35

@WhoDa no offence taken, our young people in care deserve better than they get at the moment. Please don't be put off about fostering though, the best foster carers are the ones who appreciate that its a difficult task and that there will be mistakes. The ones I worry about are the ones who think it's easy!

Original poster
WhoDa · 25/04/2021 16:12

Too late to back out now, bunk in day is tomorrowSmile. I'm sure there will be peaks and troughs as we navigate each other and the points raised so far will no doubt be a big help.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/04/2021 20:36

@WhoDa

Too late to back out now, bunk in day is tomorrowSmile. I'm sure there will be peaks and troughs as we navigate each other and the points raised so far will no doubt be a big help.
Wishing you both all the very best 🍀
Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 20:30

@hellocatshome the noticeboard idea is great and has been used already.

OP posts:
SamBeckettsLastLeap · 28/04/2021 20:54

Some of this has moved me to tears. Op thank you for doing this.

My dd friend told us once that the hunger was the worst, not knowing when to eat, when they could, having breakfast late, not feeling they could help themselves. The best was someone who took the time to let them know, and show them what they could have between meals, but like a pp it needs to be things the whole family can access not something separate.

caringcarer · 28/04/2021 21:13

I am a foster carer. Put toiletries in bedroom I include 2 different shampoos and conditioners, toothpaste and a couple of new toothbrushes, a new hairbrush, if a girl include face cream, nail varnish remover etc a few hair bobbles, Tampax. Put a notice board in bedroom young person can pin up own photos, and bits. A snack caddy with a few sweets, nuts provided no allergy, crisps etc in case they want a snack but don't like to ask. I put a drinks fridge in bedroom with a few sugar free cans and a bar of chocolate too. Include a hairdryer.

Make sure you explain routine. What time they need to get up, what time shower is free for them, plenty of clean towels. Check they have slippers and dressing gown. Check they are ok for phone credit. Tell them how much pocket money they will get each week and which day. How much phone top up and how often. Tell them how much lunch money they will get. Let them know it is ok to invite school friends over when lockdown over. Tell them if they want something to ask you as you are not a mind reader. Teens like to know about how much day to day they will have. You could also ask if they need any clothing as we have had kids come to us with only 1 pair of PJ's or only 4 pairs of pants.

caringcarer · 28/04/2021 21:25

Also ask about their activities and hobbies. Do they want to start a new activity. Our foster son does karate, swimming, Scouts and cricket every week with trampolining and ice skating every alternative week. We do a movie day once a month with popcorn and ice cream and foster son chooses film. Look for things in common with your own children. E g our foster son loves Marvel and DC movies and do do my boys. Another thing we do is take turns to choose takeaway. So once a month of foster son chooses. Give all children same amount of money for birthday and Xmas gifts.

BryanAdamsLeftAnkle · 28/04/2021 21:45

I was a laac (looked after and accommodated) childrens home and then a series of bedsits. For me a sense of belonging. Am I allowed to use the fridge? Can I take food. Not knowing the rules and what was considered acceptable had me on edge and still does even as an adult.

A space that is theirs that you will ask to come into and setting of boundaries offers a sense of safety.

Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 21:47

No DC of mine. The suggestions are helpful. They don't have friends to invite over though as yet, they'd be welcome to, and as yet don't have any hobbies so I'll be gently trying to get them to try out a variety of things in the future and quietly hoping that they don't take a fancy to anything that involved me standing around anywhere on a Sunday morning

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 21:52

@BryanAdamsLeftAnkle yes, that's it, I want them to feel as though they belong, that's exactly it we've already discussed their bedroom is a space for me to be in by invite only.

OP posts:
SamBeckettsLastLeap · 28/04/2021 21:53

Just an aside if it's a lad still put out face cream nice shower gel shampoo etc, the lads I know care about this stuff but don't like to let on.

Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 21:56

@SamBeckettsLastLeap they're female but thank you for the thought

OP posts:
Shinesun14 · 28/04/2021 21:57

Hiya - I'm a care leaver and now a SW working with care leavers! I've also worked on my LAs CICC.

What I feel would have helped me would have been a written down/printed info type of leaflet with your hidden family house rules. Every family has rules that they don't even realise are rules as they're so normal to them. Things like - have a glass of water whenever you want even if its 3 in the morning you won't be in trouble. Please always pull the flush (sometimes it was so awkward not knowing whether you could flush in the middle of the night as lots of people don't) shoe's on/off ect.

Also the worst part for me was always after the SW left and you'd go up to your new room and feel quite lost. I would have appreciated more direction in that aspect - ie feel free to unpack but tea will be ready at 5 and we're having spag bol but would really like it if you fancied waiting to unpack and did x y or z. Basically with me, and I see it in a lot of YP, not knowing if you're wanted really hurts and asking YP if they want to do something makes them feel awkward to say yes so they say no. If you ask and make it very clear you want to see them it goes a long way.

Shinesun14 · 28/04/2021 21:59

@BryanAdamsLeftAnkle totally agree!

seastargirl · 28/04/2021 22:06

I hope you're getting on ok op! Such a sad but lovely thread to read!

SavingsQuestions · 28/04/2021 22:06

Wow that poems powerful. I had an abusive childhood but wasnt lac so just reading really. (Ghostly your job sounds really interesting!)

drspouse · 28/04/2021 22:14

My DCs are adopted, just a few points:
The Virtual Head in our area does nothing, except send you things you could Google.
A foster carer told us they got all their new teens a big fluffy dressing gown to make them feel comfy (and they'd had a couple of girls who wandered around in baby doll nighties and it was hard to know if any of them had been abused and might act inappropriately)
There is another charity called Siblings Together that runs holidays if your YP has siblings also in care.

Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 22:14

It's going ok, it feels like it needs a bit longer to bed in properly. Thinking about it, it's probably because of all the unwritten ways if doing things I am turning into Sheldon Cooper by the day as I get older. Will try to think of the ones I don't even realise I have now.

OP posts:
drspouse · 28/04/2021 22:18

Sorry I missed she's moved in! Hope it's all going OK.

MoreWater · 28/04/2021 22:18

My amazing MIL had 3 siblings with her in long term care.

They always called her 'Auntie Mary' which was lovely for so many reasons.

They had their own bedrooms full of their own lovely things.

They knew that couldn't be treated the same as her own DCs but the boundaries were clear. They had more freedom in some ways and more restrictions in others.

She facilitated contact with their birth family which was not easy due to distance.

She included them in all family events, on family birthday cards, everything.

Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 22:25

@response they do and I hadn't heard of that so thanks. @MoreWater that gives the feels

OP posts:
Joeblack066 · 28/04/2021 22:34

Worked with Care experienced YP. One (who was thrown out at 11 as his Mum’s new BF didn’t like him) said that on the first night, he would smash stuff. If the foster parents were on the phone to SS the next morning to get him taken away, they were only in it for the money. If they sat him down and spoke kindly, asking him why he had done it, wanting to move forward, he would apologise and be well behaved. They were in it to help. Sorted the wheat from the chaff in his 14yo eyes.

Original poster
WhoDa · 28/04/2021 22:39

What a thing to have to.learn Confused

OP posts:
littlebillie · 28/04/2021 22:39

I read about a child who was moved over the space of 10 days to different fc she had no offer of clean clothing as realty what she had left in was her uniform. I can't get over how degrading it must have been for that child to have nothing clean in that period. I'm not a carer but I think having clean new underwear, pjs etc would be a must for the short term

Theshoepeople · 28/04/2021 23:04

I'm glad it's going ok OP, it'll take time. I'm finding it really helpful to read people's experiences in here too.

One thing id add - you'll obviously need to talk to the social worker to let them know how they're getting on, but try and do this when the child isn't there. With my foster carers I tend to phone for updates during school hours or they (securely) email me things eg a write up if something has happened. That way when i visit the child, the visit is all about them.

I can't think of anything more anxiety provoking for a child then to talk to a social worker who asks you questions, who then goes in a room with the foster carer and shuts the door. Or who sees the foster carer having whispered conversations on the door step as the social worker is leaving. As I've learned this (messages from young people, and experience) it's become habit for me, but bizarrely it's not something we're led to do. Social workers have to write up the visit including child's account and foster carers account so the natural thing to do seems to be to talk to them separately on the same visit, until you think about it and realise how bad that is for a child!