To shamelessly ask if you were a Care Experienced Leaver

[WhoDa]

and moved placements a teenager, what would have made things easier for you? NC for this but naice ham, Sistene screamer etc. Have what could be a LT placement starting tomorrow and shamelessly posting for traffic from those wit-lived experience.

@Giggorata yes, really very helpful as I've been in touch with the local CiCC but had no reply and it looks as though it hasn't been active for a few years.

@thingywotsit I hadn't heard of that so will go and look into it.

I work for a virtual school - we support the education of care experienced children and young people from 3-18 - we manage pupil premium plus and we have lots of training and resources for foster carers - do get in touch with the service supporting your teen. We go by LA rather than location - so it depends where they are coming to you from :)

I was in care and moved around quite a bit as a teen. For me, my best placement was one where I felt like part of the family. There was a computer where I could browse and download music (this was quite a few years ago), the food was nice (important!), I was given money to get toiletries and any essentials I needed, my room was comfortable and had a tv. Mostly, the foster parents were chilled out, it wasn't a formal thing, more of a relaxed atmosphere where I felt at home.

My worst placement - the woman had a separate food cupboard with snacks that she locked up. She never talked to me, she was grumpy...

Hope that helps

I'm a fc and usually take teenagers.
Some things I do:
The bedroom is newly decorated before each new placement. I keep it a plain neutral colour and then when the young person arrives they decide what accent colour they would like and we go shopping for bedding, cushions, lamps etc.
On the dresser I leave a basket of toiletries, San pro, a toothbrush, deodorant etc
WiFi password on a note by the bed.
I don't encourage eating in bedrooms but always leave a bottle of water and some biscuits for new arrivals because sometimes they're embarrassed to eat with the family. I also take a hot chocolate with all the trimmings up when they go to bed on the first night.
It may sound daft but I put a small cuddly toy on the bed, even teenagers like something soft to cuddle when they're sad.
Good luck op. It's an amazing journey

Another thing. I buy welcome to the family cards and leave one in their room signed from all the family

I am a care leaver. I left my last foster placement about 15 years ago. My suggestions would be:

Be honest with them. If you have to do something they don't like or they aren't happy with then clearly explain your reasons why so and so is happening.

Read up on attachment theory. A lot of young people who have grown up in care (not just young children) will have attachment disorder. I did (only diagnosed once I became an adult) and it had a huge (negative) impact on my last foster placement

If the YP wants a hug and/or reassurance from you then please let them have it.

For the YP's bedroom - it's always good if you can let them choose there own bedding and accessories. Listen to feedback from the YP as well. At one placement the bed in the room was a day bed with bars on three sides (like a cot). It reminded me of a cage and I hated it. The carers refused to replace it (they weren't short of money) despite me asking several times.

When the YP eventually moves on, it's nice if you can stay in touch. It means a lot to me to still be in occasional contact with some of my former carers.

Good luck!

Most excellent observations and suggestions

Long time since I was in FC but still remember how uncomfortable it was at first and I had fantastic foster carers. So, presuming you're already going to get a lot of things right just by virtue of you asking these questions, I'll tell you the things I didn't like so you can avoid! Absolutely second a pp who talked about bombarding the foster child with extended family and friends coming round to meet the young person for the first time, so uncomfortable. Also (but I don't imagine it happens so much now) but I remember very early on in the placement being sent to stay with said extended family and friends for a night or two and being very worried about it. Wanting to just chill in my room at times but being made to sit and talk their choice of TV. Having been through very traumatic experiences and not having anyone to talk to about it. In the whole of the placement my foster carers never asked about how I felt about being in care, what went wrong at home and because my placement was secure and we lived quite a way out in the country my rubbish SW very rarely came to see me. Hopefully things are very different now. My foster mother was quite openly jealous of my real mum and I often felt uncomfortable and stuck in the middle. Something I couldn't stand was if people said "your mum and dad" etc in relation to my foster carers but obviously you can't always explain and I was a stroppy teenager so who knows! Despite telling me I was part of the family for several years when I acted out ( not untypical teenage behaviour, think being late home, seeing my boyf when I shouldn't etc) the placement broke down and I was thrown out. In hindsight part of my behaviour was testing them to see if I really was the same as their biological children.
I have written so negatively OP but there can be so much positive experiences that will happen on both sides. You must be very excited and you would not be asking these questions or indeed opening up your life if you weren't the right sort of person so I think you are going to be great! It's extremely confusing to be a teenager in care, so much attention and yet you can be unceremonaly dropped by the LA and left to get on with it as a young adult. So looking after a teenager is so important in terms of teaching life skills and also letting them know that they don't have to carry this feeling of "otherness" throughout life. There is no reason that their future should be any less bright than any other teenagers'. I wish you so much fun and joy and laughter ahead with this wonderful experience!

@wishingwell75 Thank you for sharing your experience. There's no way they are staying with anyone else unless it's their choice (sleepovers with friends etc). It's hard to think that you had to. Can I ask you, how you would have been liked to be introduced to friends/family? I want them to feel secure (they are the only YA/child) - and am very happy to support the family contact. I'm very new to this but it seems to me that there is a fucking huge bit of inconsistency/disinterest with the SW now the placement has been confirmed. Do you have any suggestions around giving a hug etc? I was just going to let them know they could have one any time and let them come to me rather than lunging like a maiden aunt at Christmas

Op you sound lovely, the fact that you're really considering this helps.
The things that care experienced young people have told us about are:
WiFi password, as feeling connected with friends helps
Being encouraged to have things elsewhere in the house, along with other people's. Eg space for their coat by the door, food together in the fridge, toiletries in the bathroom. So that the house feels just as much their home (ie not being expected to keep everything separate/in their room)
Bringing up family (positively) in conversation, esp if things like mother's day or anniversary dates are coming up, so they feel encouraged to talk about their family
Explaining unwritten rules and what can be broken. Eg we had one young person tell us the reason they never socialised in the lounge was because they didn't want to take someone else's spot on the sofa because that had caused issues one time in the past. So things like whether they can pick any seat at tea, are they allowed to help themselves to drinks, are there things in the fridge they can have or what is off limits, can they flush the loo at night, what can they put in the bathroom/kitchen bins and what goes straight out, where does laundry go etc. What's the earliest they can get up and come downstairs.
Offering opportunities for hobbies. Some young people have as many hobbies as placements because they try and ingratiate themselves by joining in whatever the interests of the new family are
Being aware there could be skills they haven't learned, like swimming or bike riding - don't assume
Accepting that they may not be ready to fully join family life for a while (esp older children)
Offering hugs - not waiting to be asked, but showing that you care and you care about their boundaries.

If they are already in care, ask the social worker if you can talk to their current carers you'll probably get a lot more information about them that way.

@Theshoepeople that's made me really think. I need to be conscious about all the unwritten things I do. And find where I've put the Wi-Fi code

I dont know of this would work but I saw it on a programme once and given the things that people have mentioned here I thought it might be worth mentioning. It was a chalk board in the kitchen and it said at the top "Can we have a conversation about..." the idea being that its sometimes hard to know how to start a conversation so you would write on the board what you wanted to talk about and then the family would know there was a conversation needed and someone else could start it. Like I said before I dont know if it would be appropriate but just an idea.

I'll definitely bear that in mind @hellocatshome, it could maybe work as a Whatsapp group as well.

I'm going to discuss this with the CiCC I work with. The chalkboard idea in particular. 🙂
I forgot to say that the CiCC also put together a form for foster children to complete for the foster carer's reviews, and it includes things like knowing the unwritten rules of the house, chores and pocket money. Also going on holiday with the family rather than going into short break foster care, when they all go away.
My local authority has forbidden black bin bags for moving, too.

@blackhorses

I don’t have lived experience myself but something lots of people have said to me is that having to always move in bin bags is horrible.
If there is any way to get some suitcases across to them before they move I think that would make a really good first impression that you care.

Please Google "Madlug". They are a charity who for every bag they sell donate one to a child in care. They have donated 20,000 to date. Their motto is " no child should carry their life in a bin bag"
Also The Christmas Dinners, a charity started by Lemn Sissay do fantastic work with care leavers. They, as care leavers themselves can give you an insight in what its like to be a cared for child.

@giggorata @Sugarplumfairy65 MN needs a like button!

I can't say anymore as I would out myself, but they are both amazing organizations who really could do with more publicity and support.

I will do my bit to spread the word. The Christmas Dinner is such a lovely thing for those who haven't got on going contact.

Be aware it's common to have a honeymoon period when the child is on best behaviour, then a challenging period when they test your commitment, before things settle down

Very long time ago, but know recent 'care leavers' who relate, so:

Fold up sun bed was cheery and quite fun ending up feet tipped in the air if you got it wrong, but its temporary nature was always there.
My things lived in one place only. Food provided but set times only. Very much someone else’s home that I lived at.

Don’t assume a child’s whole history is in their file. Mine only held what was outwardly visible to SW’s, which had been quite enough. They vanished as soon as they could.

I’d come out of a very visibly abnormal situation, but the tip of the iceberg of what had gone on, and my concepts of right and wrong were all over the place. Still expected to have all sorts of abilities, standards, and manners, that I couldn’t possibly have developed in what I’d come from. I failed at their first hurdles.

Early on I came out with something really small about past conditions to a third party. Context of why I didn’t have experience of how to do something expected. I didn’t know it was an embarrassment.
Third party was told it wasn’t true in front of me. So much damage to any possible future relationship was caused by from my POV being labelled a liar. I knew to definitely never tell anyone the big stuff from then on.
They forgot swiftly, as you can see, I never managed to.

Not her fault but others literally gushed about how amazing, selfless, and wonderful she was for taking me in. My already deeply damaged self mistranslated it, made worse by this apparently ‘saintly person’ lying about something so stupidly insignificant. (to me) I knew about big lies, they were for survival, ‘white lies’ were new to me.

I didn’t know how to hug or be hugged, and physically recoiled from people touching me. Hurt carer told everyone I was un-affectionate which hurt. When hugging is banned in your home, and then you’ve been removed from what you know, accepting another woman trying to then hug you, can feel like treachery.
My past and my mother were taboo subjects so I wasn’t told when she died. (I’m still trying to find her grave to this day.) All made worse by it being pointed out that I’d been perfectly ok not knowing, before I did something wrong which uncovered her death.

I never knew how to be who or what anyone wanted me to be, just what they didn’t want, which seemed to me at the time, anything I really was.

I SO wish others expectations had been spelt out. (even though I still might not have met them!) Things never stood a chance, but until horribly recently, I thought I was the entire problem.

Respect to you for trying to do a very difficult job. Wish you and them the very best of luck.

@Celyon that's a heartbreaking account, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. I'd like to say that things have changed but i know it's not that simple.

Op just wanted to add re my post above, that the unwritten rules has to be on the basis of helping them feel comfortable and not have to work everything out for themselves, but that its ok to get things wrong. This is a really good poem (video) that explains it better than I ever could.

(NB my experience in this is as a SW who places children - I'm sorry people have got the experience of disinterested social workers. I can unfortunately understand why we're perceived that way because we're so stupidly busy)

Another point I forgot is asking the yp what they'd like to call you, & including in public. For example some might find it very offensive if people call you mum. Others might prefer it if it stops them from being 'outed' as a child in care. Good to know how they feel before it comes up.

@Celyon oh lovely I hope you find it I've been thinking a lot about the unwritten rules as I thought I was bohemian and easy going turns out I'm probably more Sheldon Cooper than I'd like to publicly admit and that video was so powerful. I'm getting a bit worried now I might be out of my depth and let them down, especially as PP said about an, understandable, honeymoon period. I'll ask them when they come tomorrow to think about what they want us to refer

To each other as. @Theshoepeople I meant no offence to the profession in general and I'm sure it comes from a place of overworked caseloads but this experience of SW hasn't been positive so far.