To keep my wedding secret

[ItsAllAboutTheParsley]

I’m in my 50s and have been with DP for a year. He comes from a large close extended family, I have a small family but we are pretty close.

My issue is - we are getting married in August, first time for both of us. Registry office booked, me, my best friend, him, his brother. That’s it. Lunch booked afterwards, nothing else. We want to be married, not have a big day. It’s just the minimum legal event needed, it is what we want.

His family are mostly in another country and so we thought we’d have a blessing and party there when we can, so my close friends/rellies (10 probably) can come (it’s Europe, cheap flights etc) and all of his (50+) can be there but because of international travel issues we can’t commit to a date.

We don’t want to wait til whenever we can travel to get married but neither do we want this to turn into a big drama and god I know it will.

My mum is sliding into dementia and by Aug may not know who I am, his DPs will want to run the whole thing, my DSis will have ‘opinions’ and expect to be a MoH, etc etc. He’s not dead keen on the religious side of it all and his DM in particular will want all the bells and smells.

So we’re just going to do it, then tell them about the blessing etc and make that the ‘wedding’ they can all have their tuppence worth about. We’ve decided what we want for that and planned most of it, so we’re in a difficult position of some people knowing, but our parents, my siblings etc not.

I’ve had a huge amount of stress over my mum’s health, she’s had cancer then this confusion so every time I think I’ll just tell her she goes off into a delusion. It’s relentless and she can’t cope with change so I’ve not wanted to start talking about how I want to get married at this point in my life especially as she’s got a bit disinhibited and fancies my DP. A very vocal lot. My DSis hasn’t been able to be much practical help but has opinions on what’s to be done for her, as does my aunt - everyone’s a backseat driver.

DP’s had a lot of family drama over a relative and his business, his DM’s low opinion of me, his relocation and career changes and again, everyone’s got a view which they are determined to share - whilst leaving him to do the heavy lifting.

Are we being unreasonable to just want to get married and not worry about mum, my interfering family and his interfering family being there and just have this day for us? I’d rather deal with the fall out after rather than before. Is that fair?

people should have a different kind of wedding which includes parents if they have contact with them, respect them and love them

That's all very well unless your parents don't love and respect each other! DH and I both from divorced parents, got married 'in secret' with 2 friends as witnesses. I'm sure there was a little sadness but no-one has expected us to marry anyway. No-one fell out with us or changed their relationship with us.

People love making weddings about themselves but really it’s about the bride and groom. Go for it. Please yourselves, have a great day

Isn’t marriage a huge deal?

I said including them merely means informing them? Regardless of whether parents aren’t together or not. They might not love and respect each other, you might not love or respect them- but if you do then letting them know you’re getting married, even though they’re not going to be asked to the wedding, is nice surely? No?

I don’t think it’s me who is getting ‘exercised’. As I said at the very start of the thread, the hurt tends to come from not being told rather than not being invited. People are allowed to be hurt by this when they love their family/ friend.

That said, if the ‘marriage’ is about smoothing the visa then they probably know

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d be really hurt if my children excluded me from their wedding. I get it when people are NC but not otherwise.

I agree a year of dating, especially more so given the last year of lockdowns, is very quick to be contemplating vows. I can’t imagine knowing someone well enough after such a short time to make that decision.

I do worry that his parents will feel that way and so does he, but inviting them and my mum if she’s capable then opens up the whole religious thing for them, and if mum needs someone with her who is that to be, my DSis won’t come without my BiL and her boys (in their 20s)....

It’s not what I asked about, but I’m getting married because I love him, and this is a very different relationship to any I’ve had before. We’ve been through a lot living together this year, he happily agreed to bubble with my mum when she started to be ill so hasn’t seen much of his parents as a result, has shared a lot of the emergency trips, calls, etc. I’ve supported him with his issues, my DP being the one in his family that is the fixer and confidante. He and I have talked about everything and anything these long Covid evenings so we have very clear knowledge of what we think about fidelity, communication, values, family, sickness and health, assets, divorce. We’ve seen each other in a crisis. We’ve coped. We’ve been searingly honest and hurt, we’ve seen the others weaknesses and selfishness at times but but we’ve worked to fix it and understand each other better. We respect each other totally but not idealistically. Yes it’s quick but I’m in my 50s he’s in his 40s, we don’t need to save up for a house, we’ve both been in relationships before, we know what we want and what we don’t, there’s no children to consider.....

Wishing you both lots of happiness x

@Jamboree01

Isn’t marriage a huge deal?

I said including them merely means informing them? Regardless of whether parents aren’t together or not. They might not love and respect each other, you might not love or respect them- but if you do then letting them know you’re getting married, even though they’re not going to be asked to the wedding, is nice surely? No?

No, first you said ‘including them’, then you backtracked and said ‘including’ your parents meant just informing them in advance. Which brings us back to entirely different attitudes to marriage. My relationship is important to me. Its legal status isn’t, or is only legally important.

For me informing my parents we were getting married would have been like making a big deal of the exact place and time we were signing a mortgage.

Fortunately both DPs and PILs grasp that other people do things differently. We both have lots of siblings, who’ve done everything from being unmarried and childfree to interfaith ceremonies to big church affairs with bridesmaids and 200 guests.

Sounds good, OP. Whatever kind of wedding you have, best wishes for the future.

@jamboree1 yes I agree with what @calaminePink said
It really was little more than a contractual agreement filled by lunch. Telling anyone in advance would have added the whole weight of expectation around what a wedding should be to it. I just wanted to be married and not have time explain to anyone why they weren't invited.

I didn’t backtrack at any point. You need to read properly before you comment.

You’re making this quite personal without any requirement to do so.

I said it wouldn’t bother me but I have friends who have done this and it has caused issues within their own families.

I gave examples of friends who had had ‘secret weddings’ and their experiences afterwards.

I said that people who are close to a couple, in my experience of secret weddings, were more upset about the fact that it had been kept secret- over the fact that they hadn’t been I invited.

I said that involving people doesn’t mean inviting them/ just telling them. In particular, the people the couple are close to.

Don’t twist my words.

Two friends of mine got married in secret and didn't tell anyone until the day after. It was such a shock but a good one. I couldn't have been more happy for them. There's never been any fallout from either family and they've been married for about 7 years now. At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you do whatever makes you happy.
For what it's worth, I got engaged after 6 months of being with my now husband and we've been married for 23 years this year.

I haven't read the full thread (sorry!) but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If I were you, I would consider telling people kind of about your plans, though I'd blame everything on covid - travel is near impossible, numbers at weddings have to be so limited, it's made you think about what you'd do if either of you got sick, etc. So you're going to have a big wedding party when everything is back to normal and will let them know the date well in advance, look forward to seeing them all and celebrating with them, etc etc, but you're going to do the legal bit asap, just in case you were to get ill or whatever. Make a big deal out of the upcoming party, mention the legal bit but underplay it as much as you can, blame covid for everything. Might mean you don't get so much yelling from relatives before or after your marriage!

thank you all for your replies, it’s been great to get your views.
Thank you for your best wishes!💐

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but it’s about me and him, not them in the end. I do understand that for some people a wedding is a celebration and a rite of passage that they want to witness and share in, and would be hurt if they felt excluded. For us the important thing is being married and not the getting married and so I think we just have to say that.

I think the fairest thing is to tell everyone much nearer the date that we’re getting married, but not when and how and just say it’s what we want and is practical. Then tell them when it’s done. We love them but they are used to us prioritising them and this change is difficult for them to get used to, at our age! I agree my DSis will be hurt but after this year of dealing with mum and DP doing 100 times more for her than DSis.... I’m not so bothered about her feelings, to be honest.

The party is an opportunity for everyone to come and celebrate or choose not to, whatever they feel, but it won’t be so stressful because we will have done what matters to us our way, the party can be more about a bit of their way. Especially a blessing, we’ve talked to the priest at DP’s local church (not his DParents’) and we’ll do the marriage prep etc necessary to have that there or ideally if the priest in his grandmother’s church abroad, agrees. We both want his DPs to know that their beliefs matter to us without compromising ours.

We eloped and told everyone after the ceremony. Nobody knew, the witnesses were our photographer and a random lady.
Families were a bit put out, but we didn't give it any airtime, so they quickly came around. We just didn't want the fuss or expense of a huge do.

@Jamboree01

I didn’t backtrack at any point. You need to read properly before you comment.

You’re making this quite personal without any requirement to do so.

I said it wouldn’t bother me but I have friends who have done this and it has caused issues within their own families.

I gave examples of friends who had had ‘secret weddings’ and their experiences afterwards.

I said that people who are close to a couple, in my experience of secret weddings, were more upset about the fact that it had been kept secret- over the fact that they hadn’t been I invited.

I said that involving people doesn’t mean inviting them/ just telling them. In particular, the people the couple are close to.

Don’t twist my words.

I read quite well, thanks. I’m merely setting my experience against those who say it will create ongoing problems. That’s not my experience.

You weren’t merely setting your experience against anything. You tried to attack when there wasn’t any need to.

OP asked a question and I explained what some of my friends’ experiences were. That is their experience.

For whatever reason, you are defensive and you chose to go on the attack with me when there was absolutely no need to.

OP I think do what you want but this I think the fairest thing is to tell everyone much nearer the date that we’re getting married, but not when and how and just say it’s what we want and is practical is a terrible idea.
From the sounds of things you will no doubt get a strong reaction if you tell people before it's happened that you will be getting married, no they aren't invited, and I'm not telling you when. You will live to regret the amount of stress this will create right before your wedding, I think.
If you're going to tell them at all, tell them after.

Sorry posted too soon.
If you're going to tell them at all, tell them after or far in advance so people have time to ask all their questions and make their protests etc etc.
You don't need people trying to change your mind in the weeks before your wedding day.
Good luck!

@Jamboree01

You weren’t merely setting your experience against anything. You tried to attack when there wasn’t any need to.

OP asked a question and I explained what some of my friends’ experiences were. That is their experience.

For whatever reason, you are defensive and you chose to go on the attack with me when there was absolutely no need to.

Honestly, @Jamboree01, calm down. You’re seeing attacks where there aren’t any. You’re the person implying I got married for a visa, but see? I don’t have your hair trigger temper.

Which may be why no family members took umbrage I hadn’t given them appropriate warning of my intention to wed.

@CalaminePink please calm yourself. You are the one who mentioned marriage smoothing the visa...

Your family obviously know your situation far better than I do.

Good luck OP. Again, wishing you lots of happiness x

My aunt and uncle lived together for years. Only found out they had gotten married after uncle had died. Aunt said they nipped to registry office after baby number 2 then came home, shoved certificate in the draw and she made dinner. To them it was just a legal issue

As long as you're keeping it to just you two and a couple of witnesses then I think you're fine.
I'd understand people being upset if it happened like a PPs father who had a small wedding with only his new wife's child and family, but the couple, 2 witnesses and a lunch the 4 of them is reasonable.

Unfortunately some families make the day all about them and the experience they feel entitled to, instead of what the couple wants.

Do it OP, it’s your wedding, and people would only overreact if they’re nightmares anyway.

Have a lovely day exactly as you want it

The older I get, the less I think getting married is a big deal. The big deal is that you’ve found someone you want to commit to, and it’s reciprocated. That’s what aging parents care about, and really what anyone who has your best interests at heart should care about.

The rest is all about expectations, self-interest, opportunity, a party. I mean, if you want to have a big party there’s no better time than a wedding. But a wedding is not what marriage is about, imo.

Also, you’re a woman (?) in your 50s. Stop already with worrying about upsetting other people around such things. Nobody is going to be damaged by this.

@AtrociousCircumstance and @Jamboree01 thank you!

Thank you everyone for your views. It has helped clarify that we need to do what works for us, but we love our families and will try and make sure no one thinks we don’t care about them.

We may need to tell my mum soon and show her our wedding rings as sadly already she won’t remember us doing so but at present she can still enjoy the moment with us. In a couple of months at her rate of decline she may not recognise me or understand what I’m telling her.