Wise Mumsnet please advise AIBU or is he ?

[Tealvelvet]

So 2 instances today and I wanted to ask your opinion on whether I am being unreasonable or is it him.

So first for background dd has school assessments and doesn’t really go out due to Covid. Currently not motivated to study. I said to Dh ‘oh I think we need a curfew for her phone at the weekend so she can feel awake enough to study.

I get as far a curfew and he starts rolling his eyes. I say why well you said curfew and I am like well if you let me finish I meant curfew for phone time not going out time.

Second id been sweeping garden paths lots of dry dust etc he is in the kitchen watching a film and I’m in other room.

I walk up the hallway and in a joke potful voice and half joke coughing I say oh I’m all chocked from the dirt today. As I get into the kitchen he is all angry - why are you coughing etc I’m trying to watch this.

Is this normal is this what other people have ?

@DinosaurDiana

Well aren’t you ‘down with the kids’ 🙄

You really don't get it do you? Its absolutely nothing to do with being 'down with the kids'

The fact that your internet goes off at 'your bedtime' when you've finished using it, says everything about your parenting style!

@Tealvelvet

The kids just aren’t going out that much so I put that in to illustrate that it was strange DH thought I was about to say keeping her in.

Back to the post though I was just really wondering if this bickering was what normal people do . My DH is you say anything his big thing is you are treating me like a child. I think this is his complex not mine. He picks me up on particular words like the example of curfew.

I grew up with my mum and siblings from age 4 no other men and dad out the picture so I haven’t seen how couples work. I guess I’m trying to work out if it’s me and I need to change and his reactions are normal

I think lockdown has been tough on even the healthiest of relationships! It sounds fairly normal, particularly when families are spending so much time at home thanks to covid. Covid has actually meant I've had to live separately from my dh and a fair few of my friends are a bit envious! How does your dh react if you ask to talk about anything? Would he be happy to talk about the concerns you've talked about on here?

I’d have been pissed off with the fake coughing.
It wasn’t a joke.
It was passive aggressive shite because you were cross that you’d been working whilst he lazed around - but you can’t communicate that with him.

So I’d say YABU for the “coughing”, YABU for calling it a joke on here when it isn’t... but, I expect he is VVVVVVVU for creating the atmosphere where you did that.

@DinosaurDiana

Well aren’t you ‘down with the kids’ 🙄

🤣🤣🤣 just what I thought!

@Soontobe60
Another one missing the point. You and dinosaur should keep in touch!
So many emojis too, are you 12?

It’s hard to say from just those two examples because both seem fairy minor, albeit grumpy.

But I do think when contempt creeps into a relationship there’s no going back. Do you feel he’s generally quite contemptuous of you?

And I completely agree with the PP who said teenagers need to find their own boundaries, I also hate the ‘my house, my rules’ approach. It’s not giving them any autonomy at a time where that’s really important to their development.

OP,

Bickering like that is not normal in a healthy relationship if it is constant.

Of course couples can get on each other's nerves, and it has been a long year.

Eye rolling is rude.

If the bickering is daily and the examples you give are representative of that then it sounds deep unpleasant and tedious.

It is hugely damaging to a marriage IMO.

It needs resolving if the marriage is to survive.

@Littlefluffyclouds13

The fact that your internet goes off at 'your bedtime' when you've finished using it, says everything about your parenting style!

Yep, it says my children don’t get to make all the decisions in the house, sometimes the adults are in charge. It says that my children do not get unsupervised access to the internet at times when they really should be sleeping. It says ‘I care about my children’s wellbeing’. Sadly, there are far too many parents of teens on MN who are now desperate because they’ve let their children rule the roost and have now turned into entitled, selfish teens.

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@Soontobe60
Another one missing the point. You and dinosaur should keep in touch!
So many emojis too, are you 12? [/quote]
Are you always this awful? You’re not as nice as you clearly think you are.

Lockdown fever. Both conversations are absolutely ridiculous.

As a side note, why isn't she going out? She can now.

@Soontobe60
How am I awful?
I'm just responding to your unhelpful comment to someone being a bit unkind to me.

DD off out today we are Scotland so shops etc not open till Monday

And laughing emojis, on a post where you are clearly having a laugh at my expense with another poster, are far from kind.

Why were you joke coughing?

Also agree teens need to learn how to self regulate now before they go off to uni and don't know their arse from their elbow.

You would probably irritate me too, but my parenting style isn't for everyone.

Coco I wasn’t being passive aggressive I did the garden while he was working just a crap whinge on my part. He was really angry my coughing was interrupting his film. To be fair it was only for 2 secs while I got a vino.

I’ve read other responses but I’m with you, not massive things but I certainly wouldn’t be very happy if my husband treated me like this and I’d tell him straight to cheer up.

[quote Soontobe60]@Littlefluffyclouds13

The fact that your internet goes off at 'your bedtime' when you've finished using it, says everything about your parenting style!

Yep, it says my children don’t get to make all the decisions in the house, sometimes the adults are in charge. It says that my children do not get unsupervised access to the internet at times when they really should be sleeping. It says ‘I care about my children’s wellbeing’. Sadly, there are far too many parents of teens on MN who are now desperate because they’ve let their children rule the roost and have now turned into entitled, selfish teens.[/quote]
The teens I know who are out of control, particularly once they've flown the nest for uni, are the ones that had more controlling parents.
I prefer a different approach and it's worked very well for me.

I think it’s hard for teens to self regulate DD would be up all night. After these assessments that will determine uni choices etc I've said she can have at it and stay up all night if she wants. I think sleep is really important to function so am a little bit stricter.. but we are fairly relaxed with her she should be studying this weekend but it’s important she has fun so she is off out with friends.

@Tealvelvet

I think it’s hard for teens to self regulate DD would be up all night. After these assessments that will determine uni choices etc I've said she can have at it and stay up all night if she wants. I think sleep is really important to function so am a little bit stricter.. but we are fairly relaxed with her she should be studying this weekend but it’s important she has fun so she is off out with friends.

She probably will be up all night for a couple of nights but she’ll feel miserable afterwards. It’s a learning curve and she’ll find her way.

Just to point out once I had finished he agreed with 1am phone.

I’ve used these 2 examples but there’s lots like that I do t make a habit of joke or exaggerated attention seeking I don’t know why I did it but clearly it didn’t go down well. Lol

Other things he does is mimic me if we arguing for example. He hates anyone saying their opinion it’s treating him like a child but he has plenty of his own opinions. He is also very changeable things he says one day may be completely different the next

Also in Scotland highers /a levels were cancelled 2 weeks before Easter they are now back on in the guise of assements so it’s really crucial not much time. DD back 2 days after that long break and had English and PE. So normally wouldn’t be imposing any restrictions. That’s a whole other thread it’s grossly unfair .

Don’t want to derail with raising teens.

I really don’t think it’s controlling to switch the WiFi off 😳

Mimicking you is a sign of contempt, which is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. I’d really recommend reading up on anything by John Gottman, who talks about it as one of the “four horsemen of divorce”

Mind you, all your joke coughing etc does sound quite annoying so I’m not sure he’s entirely to blame. It sounds like you’ve both forgotten how to communicate with each other without being passive aggressive or dismissive

He is not a kind man, he shows no respect or love for you.