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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To turn down the job ive worked 3 5 years for!?

34 replies

Tiredmaturestudent · 23/04/2021 18:52

Hello,

Not posted many times as never had the courage but here goes!
My current situation is that I am a mature student and have been a single parent for 1 year. I am about to graduate this summer after what has been a hard slog of resitting gcse access course and a 3yr degree course. I have 3 children.
My long term relationship broke down whilst I was on my course and I have since moved out with my children. My ex partner is quite possibly the most unreliable person on the planet and has provided some irregular support whilst I was on my course placement. The children have rarely stayed with him after been given a variety of excuses.
I have luckily been offered a position in the role I have trained for this will entail shift work including nights and needs my commitment which I am happy to give, my concern is that my children will not be reliably cared for whilst I am at work. it is a regular occurance that I have to leave placement to collect them from school or cant work a night shift as their dad won't turn up as agreed to watch them.

I want to commit to my new role I have dreamt of for so long but don't want to be a complete letdown and unreliable employee and I cant judge if my ex will ever buck up I can use wrap around care but not for my long day/night shifts so thats not enough.
It would break my heart to turn it down but don't see any alternative as I have no other family support.
I am trying to think that when they're older in the future I could go back into it but feels like such a waste.
Any advice is welcome
Thank you

OP posts:
Tiredmaturestudent · 23/04/2021 18:55

Ive also just realised my title doesn't make sense but cant work out how to edit?

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 23/04/2021 18:56

Give it a try. If it doesn't work out you can explain, apologise and resign. If they like you they might be able to find a solution. If you don't at least try you will regret it forever.

Kingdombythesea · 23/04/2021 18:57

Have you considered an au pair op?
I was in a v similar situation and an au pair was considerably more affordable than I ever imagined.

Cipot · 23/04/2021 18:58

So there must be a solution here, somewhere. Do you have to work nights?

GoWalkabout · 23/04/2021 18:59

Give it a go but keep your eye out for non shift positions. Prove yourself in the role and then if it goes pear shaped be honest with your manager and see how they can support you in the role. You need to get through probation ideally. This is for your children's future - can anyone in his family either buck his ideas up or provide back up? Or anyone you can pay for babysitting +?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/04/2021 19:15

I’d find a sitter for the hours you need to cover or an au pair. With three children presumably you need to work to support them so if there’s a job on offer I wouldn’t be turning it down.

Hdiebfhs · 23/04/2021 19:18

What's the role ? It's it a job where you can get a role mon - Friday?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 23/04/2021 19:20

You can’t rely on him but you can rely on decent childcare. Is there anything else you can do to secure the support you need, like hire someone or use family members?

LouiseTrees · 23/04/2021 19:21

What about his extended family? What about a nanny/childminder/neighbours? How much is he paying you and does it assume he actually has them properly?

Tiredmaturestudent · 23/04/2021 19:23

Thank you for the replies so far.
So I have explored some options in regards to flexibility and there are options to swap shifts with other staff and work 9-5 if there is the availability which would work really well but isn't always guaranteed. The job entails nights, weekends and long days in the contract and I am aware of the expectation. I would hate to mess them around.
The problem with him is it can be very last minute, he will agree to have them then just not turn up, phone switched off and disapeers. Or text me at placement and say I cant get the kids so then I have to leave.
Ive just been having a look at some care agency websites so will explore this further in regards to price etc.

I have a feeling there's some things that just aren't set up for lone parents 😕 you want and try to do your best but its so hard!
He never wanted me to pursue this so maybe its a little bit more control.

OP posts:
Lostthefairytale · 23/04/2021 19:25

I manage workers in a similar role to what you are describing. To be honest it's really difficult for a single parent with an unreliable ex-parent. I've lost several employees to these circumstances. If it falls to others to cover it can quickly lead to resentment. One employee did manage to find an incredibly flexible child minder who would do nights as well. So I suppose my answer is that it is possible but very difficult. If I was you I'd be looking out for roles which would allow you to use school wrap around.

MadMadMadamMim · 23/04/2021 19:27

Or text me at placement and say I cant get the kids so then I have to leave.

What would happen if you texted back I'm at work and cannot leave. You HAVE to collect them as agreed?

Would he just leave the kids wherever they were? I'd be looking at the possibility of a nanny/au pair and refuse him any kind of contact with the children whilst he is so unreliable.

It's a way of controlling you, I imagine, to say he'll have them and then change his mind. Tell him that he either has them on regular, agreed days or he doesn't have them at all. It's not good for the kids to be messed around.

And go after him for CM.

Tiredmaturestudent · 23/04/2021 19:27

To answer the previous questions its an allied health professional role. (Don't want to out myself! ) so no cant be Mon-fri.
He is supposed to give me money each week and that rarely materialises and cant do CSA as I know he makes out he earns less than he does (self wmployed) so wouldn't get hardly anything.
His family have never really had anything to do with us.
I have got some excellent friends who would help me with school run etc but the hours I work would be alot to ask.
When I took this on I never thought I would be doing it as a single parent we had been together a very long time but once the relationship broke down I was into deep.

OP posts:
Tiredmaturestudent · 23/04/2021 19:31

I could imagine there would be resentment and that would be my fear. Do I wait and enter when I can be reliable or risk a bad reputation and the resentment?
Its a nightmare.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2021 19:36

Research childminders and babysitters.

How old are the DC?

TheClumisestChildOfAll · 23/04/2021 19:37

I'd get a night nanny, some of the mums at school have them, they're nurses or doctors. Someone whose really comfortable with your children and knows their routine so they won't be unsettled if they wake up with him/her there in the morning.

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2021 19:44

What is a night nanny? Do they just sleep over or are they awake?

Wilkolampshade · 23/04/2021 19:46

OP please please please give it a go by employing someone. I know this will likely wipe out any financial gain short term but you really owe it to yourself to take this fantastic opportunity.
I never followed a proper career path and instead worked any old jobs around my kids as they grew up and really really regret it now for so many reasons.
Please do this thing.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/04/2021 20:17

An au pair would be sensible.

TheClumisestChildOfAll · 23/04/2021 20:22

@Theunamedcat

What is a night nanny? Do they just sleep over or are they awake?
The people I know who have them they stay awake but I suppose as long as they wake up to the children in the night if needed it doesn’t matter
Moondust001 · 23/04/2021 20:31

Do you have a spare room? If so, you could let it to a student, rent free for childcare. You'd find many students students jump at it

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2021 21:43

Friend has night sitter. Young lady from local daycare who sleeps over when she has night shift.

ThatOtherPoster · 23/04/2021 21:47

Yes, au pair.

Troublewaters2021 · 23/04/2021 21:51

We have just hired an au pair and it’s worked out great and cheaper than a childminder.

kittycorner · 24/04/2021 02:09

@Tiredmaturestudent I'm a single parent and am part of a local group so know lots of others with a variety of jobs/shifts. Many are health care workers too. I am, but now work in a related role and not directly health care.

These are not high income people, for example in the group we have a midwife, two nurses, a mental health crisis worker. All those I mentioned have shift work that includes weekends and nights. Only one has family help. Only one has an ex-partner who is involved, in her case he's loving and kind, but due to mental health can't be relied upon for child care.

One has an au pair, one lets out a room to a postgraduate student in exchange for overnight childcare (the student is lovely, working on Phd), and two hire very sensible University students and recent grads to do overnights, for example arriving at 7 pm, doing bedtime routine and sleeping over. On the whole it's worked well for these friends. Of course there's always some extra juggling as a single parent, and I know one struggled with the occasional night sitter who didn't turn up, but she found a solution and she now hires two - they each do 2 nights/week but it means if one can't do it, the other often can.

In your situation, I'd likely try an au pair at least for the first year in the new job since they'll live with you, I think there's less chance of cancelling etc. Then you could when you've built up experience, and if you wanted that bedroom back, you could try hiring 1-2 night baby-sitters. My friends have found lovely people including trainee teachers. It's a good job for many people.

It's a big leap and you can do it! It's hard but it's possible! Good Luck!