how un/reasonable is this?

[lejolimoisdemai]

Posting here for traffic.
Looking for brutal honesty and objectivity, but please don't bash just for the hell of it.

I live in France, have two dc in the equivalents of yr 11 and yr 13.
I am late 40s.
I haven' been happy for some time and am seriously considering divorce.
I have a stable job here which pays enough for me to be OK on my own and enough equity to be able to buy something.

I am trying to find the courage to actually make the leap. I am held back by fear, mostly, but also not knowing what to do for the best. I know I'm not ready yet, but it's becoming more real in my mind.

In my heart of hearts I want to move home to England. I have never felt settled here as we have moved around a lot for dh's work and the friends I do have are scattered around. Apart from some very nice colleagues I only have one real friend in my town. I also really do not like where we live.This would all be bearable if my marriage was strong but sadly it is all but dead. We have grown apart and don't want the same things anymore and I can't see myself growing old with him. We live in the same house and co-parent but neither of us are happy. This seems to be enough for my dh but I am slowly dying inside. I feel so lonely. I made the "sacrifice" of staying here and moving around every few years because of dh. Now the love has gone I don't want to be here anymore.

The last few years have been tough as I have come to face this truth (I feel as though I've grieved. I used to feel sad but now feel almost at peace with the facts, however strange that sounds). I've also struggled with a work situation which is thankfully on its way to being resolved now, and perimenopause. I feel like I'm getting stronger now and putting my needs perhaps not first, but no longer last.

My children are the only thing keeping me here. I know my first responsibility is to them right now but I am starting to wonder if moving home to England one day quite soon is not such a crazy idea.

I only have one parent left and would like to spend more time with them. This awful year and Brexit have made being far away so much harder. I am also so, so done with being a foreigner. I speak the language fluently after 25 years here but it's still not home.

I do realize, however, that moving home to England in my fifties would be tough. I would have to start from scratch in terms of employment, so NMW probably. Also any equity I gave from the sale of my property here wouldn't go far in my hometown (SE).

I would like some outsiders' opinions on my options/ ideas. General thoughts or personal experience also much appreciated.

1. Leave my dh now (when I feel brave enough) and stay local while my dc finish school, college and possibly university (one at least will be going to the local university). This could mean potentially five to seven more years. If I did this I would probably buy something rather than rent, possibly renovate/flip. I could then either stay, go home or move elsewhere in France to somewhere I'd rather live. In 7 years I will be mid 50s so will no doubt find it very hard to find work and start over in England, so I have to seriously consider staying in France, but not necessarily this area.

1. Stay with dh another two years until the youngest dc has decided where to study. This dc is less likely to want to stay local and dc1 will hopefully by then be more independent. We will also only have two years left on mortgage so will have more equity. I will be 50 by then. Marginally easier to start over in England. But again, possible move to another area in France where I can start over. Also takes the pressure off to leave now. But it will never be easy, will it?

1. Leave dh now and rent for two years until dc2 has decided what to do, then either stay and buy or move back to GB or elsewhere in France. Again, I will be 50. I am loathe to rent but it would allow me to get away more quickly without having to sell property first.

How much damage would me moving back to England do to my children? Is there a time/age which would be less detrimental?
If I stay in France, how can I be happy if what I really want is to go home?
Should I even be entertaining these thoughts about going home? I've stifled them for so long, and just accepted that my choice to have children here overrides everything else. But forever?

I would leave, but live locally until DC are 18. Unless you think DH would be ok with DC moving to UK with you?

You might feel differently when you’re out of the marriage, leave, rent for six months then see how you feel.

Yes stay local til the youngest is 18 then go back to the UK. You will have time to look at job and housing markets while you wait.

You have to start living for yourself at some point.

Move out as soon as you can and rent somewhere as having an extremely unhappy mother can be detrimental at any age.

Sorry you're in n this position op but you seem like a very together lady, whatever option you choose I wish you the best of luck!

Do you think the youngest would like to finish school in the UK ? Or would they definitely want to stay in France?

I agree with bluntness. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage for a min longer never mind another 7 years.. Leave and rent somewhere for a while and see how your fixed then you don't have to make too many decisions all at once.

Option 3.

@Shutupyoutart

I agree with bluntness. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage for a min longer never mind another 7 years.. Leave and rent somewhere for a while and see how your fixed then you don't have to make too many decisions all at once.

Exactly it’s too much at once, one step at a time, leave the marriage, spend six months adjusting, help the kids adjust fhen see how you feel.

You might like France a whole lot better when you’re not still married.

Leave your husband but don't move to the UK, it's much nicer where you are!

Another one who agrees with Bluntness. Leave, rent for 6 months, and let you and your children talk about what you want to do, without the pressure of doing everything at once. It sounds like the sooner you leave, the better.

Starting over in the UK will be a challenge after so long, but you’ll be fine. Just ensure you have a robust plan for that further down the line. If your children are bilingual, it’s one less issue, but still depends on whether they want to stay with their father or come with you. They might not be sure, or change their minds, so it’s all up for grabs. Co-parenting across the channel can be done if you and your OH are both flexible, and the kids are amenable.

A pair of unhappy parents, however, are not showing their children the healthiest example of a good relationship.

Listen to your gut, and all the very best, whatever you decide.💐

Leave your DH without waiting and then ask your children what they want. It may well be that they are open to moving to the U.K. (do they have dual citizenship?)

What’s your job? I don’t understand why you would automatically be going to NMW in the U.K. if you’ve built up skills, experience etc in France?

As someone who lived abroad for many years, please take into account the fact that your children may well identify as French and return there. That happened to mine. After a few years living in the UK they went back in their 20s to the country where their friends network really is. I’m sure they’ll stay there and that’s where my grandchildren will eventually be (if they have any!). I’m in the UK with my husband so it’s a slightly different situation.

3

That’s assuming your DCs even want to go with you in the first place.

Under the Hague Convention if your DH is the children's father you will need his permission to move them to another country? If he's unlikely to give permission, if as you say you have moved a lot, is there any possibility of you all moving back to the UK before you actually leave him?

Thank you all for taking the time to post.

It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to actually write it all down. It's been swirling around in my mind for months, if not years, and it feels good to get it out. I haven't been able to tell anyone IRL.

Interesting to see that you all agree on option three. I would say the same to a stranger, but it's very 'gulp'when it's my life.

To answer a few questions. I would love my children to come with me but realise they probably won't. They are French with an English mum. Their whole life has been spent here. This is why I haven't entertained the idea until now when they, as teenagers, are starting to pull away and think of their own futures. I hate the thought of not being in the same country as them, not being able to see them easily for the weekend. But the truth is, once they leave home to go to uni I may see very little of them anyway. Even more so when they get jobs. I wouldn't leave until they are both 18 and at uni, at the earliest.

I'm a high school teacher of English. I suppose I could teach back home but I'm not sure I'd find anything suitable. TEFL jobs are quite seasonal and precarious I would imagine.I was thinking of admin jobs as a regular but low wage seems a safer bet. Happy to be corrected though.

I really appreciate the advice to take one step at a time too. I don't know why but I was trying to decide everythibg now when that's not only silly but impossible.

And Bluntness, you may be right about not necessarily wanting to leave France, just my marriage. I guess I won't know until I take the leap. God, it's so scary.

I can't believe it's come to this.

If you're fluent in French, could you teach it in the UK or tutor privately? You could even start online tutoring for UK clients while still resident in France if it makes sense for you to do that.

When I was at college not too long ago there were permanent ESOL staff due to the large immigrant population in the area. I’m pretty sure most universities employ them for international students as well as general language skills tutors even for domestic students so I’d definitely look into it.

Weird but true private schools don't have to have qualified teachers teaching. So don't rule that out as an option!

This happened to a friend of mine, who married a Malaysian man, and brought her children, who were Malaysian-born, up for the first 12 or so years of their life in Malaysia.

She then wanted to return to the UK, but her children, although technically of mixed heritage, felt very strongly Malaysian and didn't want to go to the UK.

My friend left the marriage, went to live in another part of SE Asia and she and her former husband (with whom the split had been reasonably amicable) co-parented until my friend's children were old enough to move on.

I say this because the OP talks of 'moving home', but tbh, she's the foreign one in this equation.

Employment wise could you consider teaching french in secondary schools? Some teaching qualifications are transferable

Some interesting ideas to explore here, thank you.

I thought I would need the PGCE to teach in secondary schoold but private schools are worth looking into. The ESOL at college or university could be a good fit.

LadyJaye. You're right, England is only home to me. And I am very much the foreigner. That's the problem!

If you need to leave your marriage, then I would leave. However, I can’t really imagine voluntarily living in a different country than my children, even as adults.

I'd encourage you to follow up with private schools. Modern European Language teachers are very difficult to find, so you would have an advantage. And lots can of holidays to visit your DC, or have them visit you.

Keep a look out for any additional skills you could offer for a school, sports, music, outward bound all very likely to make you interesting fir s good school.

Colleges and universities are more strapped for cash so may bebb V less able to afford you.

Oh, what about combining French with being a 'house mother' in a school. That would provide accommodation at least in term time.

I don't think you'd struggle to find an job as an French teacher in the UK in a prep/boarding school. There is much demand.

Having said that, I'd wait til the kids are at uni, its only a couple of years.