how un/reasonable is this?

[lejolimoisdemai]

Posting here for traffic.
Looking for brutal honesty and objectivity, but please don't bash just for the hell of it.

I live in France, have two dc in the equivalents of yr 11 and yr 13.
I am late 40s.
I haven' been happy for some time and am seriously considering divorce.
I have a stable job here which pays enough for me to be OK on my own and enough equity to be able to buy something.

I am trying to find the courage to actually make the leap. I am held back by fear, mostly, but also not knowing what to do for the best. I know I'm not ready yet, but it's becoming more real in my mind.

In my heart of hearts I want to move home to England. I have never felt settled here as we have moved around a lot for dh's work and the friends I do have are scattered around. Apart from some very nice colleagues I only have one real friend in my town. I also really do not like where we live.This would all be bearable if my marriage was strong but sadly it is all but dead. We have grown apart and don't want the same things anymore and I can't see myself growing old with him. We live in the same house and co-parent but neither of us are happy. This seems to be enough for my dh but I am slowly dying inside. I feel so lonely. I made the "sacrifice" of staying here and moving around every few years because of dh. Now the love has gone I don't want to be here anymore.

The last few years have been tough as I have come to face this truth (I feel as though I've grieved. I used to feel sad but now feel almost at peace with the facts, however strange that sounds). I've also struggled with a work situation which is thankfully on its way to being resolved now, and perimenopause. I feel like I'm getting stronger now and putting my needs perhaps not first, but no longer last.

My children are the only thing keeping me here. I know my first responsibility is to them right now but I am starting to wonder if moving home to England one day quite soon is not such a crazy idea.

I only have one parent left and would like to spend more time with them. This awful year and Brexit have made being far away so much harder. I am also so, so done with being a foreigner. I speak the language fluently after 25 years here but it's still not home.

I do realize, however, that moving home to England in my fifties would be tough. I would have to start from scratch in terms of employment, so NMW probably. Also any equity I gave from the sale of my property here wouldn't go far in my hometown (SE).

I would like some outsiders' opinions on my options/ ideas. General thoughts or personal experience also much appreciated.

1. Leave my dh now (when I feel brave enough) and stay local while my dc finish school, college and possibly university (one at least will be going to the local university). This could mean potentially five to seven more years. If I did this I would probably buy something rather than rent, possibly renovate/flip. I could then either stay, go home or move elsewhere in France to somewhere I'd rather live. In 7 years I will be mid 50s so will no doubt find it very hard to find work and start over in England, so I have to seriously consider staying in France, but not necessarily this area.

1. Stay with dh another two years until the youngest dc has decided where to study. This dc is less likely to want to stay local and dc1 will hopefully by then be more independent. We will also only have two years left on mortgage so will have more equity. I will be 50 by then. Marginally easier to start over in England. But again, possible move to another area in France where I can start over. Also takes the pressure off to leave now. But it will never be easy, will it?

1. Leave dh now and rent for two years until dc2 has decided what to do, then either stay and buy or move back to GB or elsewhere in France. Again, I will be 50. I am loathe to rent but it would allow me to get away more quickly without having to sell property first.

How much damage would me moving back to England do to my children? Is there a time/age which would be less detrimental?
If I stay in France, how can I be happy if what I really want is to go home?
Should I even be entertaining these thoughts about going home? I've stifled them for so long, and just accepted that my choice to have children here overrides everything else. But forever?

How long have your DCs been in France? Do they consider themselves to be French or English?

Would you come back to England and let them stay in France?

What about the Brent rules
UK people can only stay in Europe for 180 days now I believe
I don't know if it is different if you have dual Nationality

Covid travel restrictions constantly changing too & lock downs to consider

Brexit rules

My children are French. I will be applying for British citizenship for them anyway, regardless of whether they choose to move to the UK or not. They are eligible for this through me.
I have residency rights/settled status in France and will be applying for citizenship in the coming months because of Brexit. I don't think free movement will be a problem for us, although all it would take is a political decision to change things.
I won't be considering a move for at least two to three years so hopefully covid restrictions will be behind us. But who knows?

To the person who said they can't imagine voluntarily living in a different country to their children, even as adults. I know. This is the thing. Even if it is technically possible I don't know if I'd be able to go. At least until they're settled with families of their own. I've lived away from home since I was 18 and have never had practical family support, really, so maybe I'm underestimating the importance of that?

As a young adult I was busy living my life. I went back maybe three, four times a year tops. The distance was hard when the children came along, obviously, but I just got on with things. Even for the first few months of lockdown last year we were OK in that respect as we don't see family that often anyway.

Who knows what choices my dc will make? One of them has mentioned doing a masters in Canada and staying there. If they were to move abroad or to the other side of France, me moving over the Channel wouldn't change much, rreally. But if they stay in the local area? Now that would be another matter. I think I may have felt abandoned if my parents had done that. At least while I was still a student. As an independent young adult not so much. I remember when my parents moved to the next village but one when I was about 26. I felt a little sad packing up my things frim my old bedroom, but in a normal, nostalgic way, if you see what I mean? I totally understood why they were moving and was excited for them.

I'm rambling now.

Thanks for your thoughts. It's a great help to be able to 'talk'about all this.

One of them has mentioned doing a masters in Canada and staying there. If they were to move abroad or to the other side of France, me moving over the Channel wouldn't change much, rreally. But if they stay in the local area? Now that would be another matter.

All the more reason to have the conversation about it sooner rather than later - your DC can then make decisions about their own lives based on a future where you may not be living locally, they can spread their wings and have amazing adventures without being tied to home.

If you trundle along for another few years and they choose the local uni to be closer to you then you’re all stuck!

My DCs both talk about wanting to study and live in Japan. Scares the life out of me tbh thinking of them so far away, but what an amazing opportunity if it happens. I’d hate for them to end up curtailing their dreams to stay close to me. And hopefully they’d want me to happy too.

Agree with everyone else, one step at a time. End the marriage, move out, rent. Then plan your next move accordingly and if that means working towards a UK job in a private school for the next couple of years by building your skills and gaining any extra qualifications, that gives you some breathing space too.

You can do this. You get one life, so don’t spend a moment of it staying in a situation that makes you unhappy. Children are adaptable and as long as they’re loved and cared for, they’ll do fine with the changes.

Thank you @MarkRuffaloCrumble. Your words brought tears to my eyes.

Yes, the idea of my child a continent away almost makes my heart skip a beat. We're at that age where, if they were birds they would be perched on the edge of the nest, tentatively flapping their wings and getting ready to launch.

The fear/reality of the empty nest really does exist! But you're so right that our children shouldn't feel that they have to curtail their dreams for us. (I certainly didn't as a teenager).

I have lots to think about now, but things are clearer. Still not easy though.

One of my parents moved overseas, it really was a difficult time and they were soon a stranger to me and my DCs never really knew them.

If the DC go to Uni in France their fees will be paid and they may well be entitled to get a bourse they won't have to pay back. They may also be entitled to help from the CAF with their rent whilst they are studying. Compare this to the Uk where they will be looking at starting their adult lives with a massive debt.
Property is affordable in France in comparison to the Uk. If you hope one day for your DC to be homeowners This is worth considering.
The Uk is in a mess because of Brexit , I don't think people realise the extent of the financial impact yet , it's been hidden by Covid.

You could look into completing a PGCE whilst you are in the hiatus period, you can do some variations by distance learning. It would then give you more options if you do move back.

Personally at those ages I would seriously consider whether you can split and stay living in the same house, you can explain the situation and that you want them to have stability. I did this. I wish I had split years earlier but as it was close to school finishing we remained in the same house until youngest started university (obviously only an option with a suitably sized house. Have you even talked to your h about how you feel?

You can probably teach French at sixth form college, I believe you don't need a pgce btw, universities also have language tutors

Hi op,
You are right to consider your dc but please don't forget this is your life too and you should put yourself first at times because nobody else will.your dc will be,as you say,looking to their futures.
What is it you want for yourself ?
I hope you find lots of happiness whatever you do.

@RandomMess

Weird but true private schools don't have to have qualified teachers teaching. So don't rule that out as an option!

State academies and free schools can employ anyone they want with no qualification in teaching too.

State academies and free schools can employ anyone they want with no qualification in teaching too.

They can but except in specialist subjects it's as rare as hen's teeth.

Not as rare as you might wish.