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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think no maintenance is fair in this situation?

35 replies

TallKite · 23/04/2021 10:49

Will try and keep it brief!

2 primary aged DC, ex doesn't pay maintenance.

He has them 3 nights a week, sometimes over the week and sometimes over the weekend so that we both get some weekends and some week day drudge!

He has always paid half of everything, clothes, trips, uniform etc... And will often buy things like shoes and clothes when they are with him anyway.

We both have good careers and work full time.

He always does school runs on his days and helps with mine too if needed (and vice versa).

We are very flexible with each other. He will always jump at the chance to have them more too so say if I have plans one night he will happily have them 4 nights or more, whatever is needed.

Because of this I have honestly never thought to claim any maintenance off him, I don't feel it would be fair for one extra night (and he does sometimes have them that extra night too).

Someone close to me has said they would still claim it in this situation. I'm not going to as I am happy with our set up and think we work well together but interested what other people would think is fair in this situation, I honestly don't feel it would be fair to imo.

OP posts:

dreamsarefree · 23/04/2021 10:51

If you are happy with the arrangement then I wouldn't. I'm in a similar situation and I don't, would rather we had a good co-parenting relationship. I can't imagine it's worth the hassle if I am honest!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 10:51

Well it's pretty much joint custody isn't it? Would you even be entitled to maintenance? But no I agree with you, it would be very unfair and make a really good co parenting situation probably turn bad

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/04/2021 10:51

If you are both happy with the situation, no need to change it.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2021 10:51

I wouldn’t either unless there was a massive disparity in what you earn

Sparklfairy · 23/04/2021 10:53

He practically has them 50/50 so you wouldn't get much/any maintenance. And it's rare that maintenance covers anywhere near 50% of the cost of raising a child. You would be shooting yourself in the foot by claiming imo and end up worse off.

Happycat1212 · 23/04/2021 10:53

Does it matter what others think? If you don’t want to claim it then don’t.

Original poster

TallKite · 23/04/2021 10:54

Thanks, that's what I thought and I agree with. Just surprised me (it was my mother) because I literally don't feel he could do more! We get on really well.

OP posts:

JackieWeaverFever · 23/04/2021 10:54

I think it's fine. It sounds like you are coparenting well and he is a good father!

Happycat1212 · 23/04/2021 10:55

Well why rock the boat then? Trying to claim maintenance could cause negative feelings. Doesn’t sound like it would be worth it either

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/04/2021 10:56

Sounds like a 50:50 split to me so no maintenance is necessary.

HippeePrincess · 23/04/2021 10:57

No that sounds like a much better arrangement than maintenance!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2021 10:57

Do you get the CB?

I wouldn't. Like you said its equitable ATM, it's flexible and it's friendly. I wouldn't stir the pot for a few pounds a week

Original poster

TallKite · 23/04/2021 10:57

@Happycat1212

Well why rock the boat then? Trying to claim maintenance could cause negative feelings. Doesn’t sound like it would be worth it either

I'm not planning on rocking the boat, I stated in my OP I wouldn't be doing so. Just curious as to if others thought similarly! She made it out like a big deal.

OP posts:

Osirus · 23/04/2021 11:00

It sounds like your arrangement is ideal and it’s nice that you co-parent so effectively and peacefully. Your children will thank you for it!

FOJN · 23/04/2021 11:29

If you are happy and not struggling financially then I would continue as you are. It doesn't sound as if your ex is trying to dodge parental or financial responsibility and the mutual cooperation ensures a helpfully flexible arrangement which is better for all concerned.

lunar1 · 23/04/2021 11:33

You sound like you have a lovely coparenting relationship. The only way maintenance should really be paid in this circumstance is if you had a massively different income.

Lassy1945 · 23/04/2021 11:36

He’s never offered I take it?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/04/2021 11:37

Does your mum dislike him?

What she is suggesting would really upset your family balance. Why would she want you to do that to the kids? It seems such an odd thing to suggest, given the information you have shared here.

She either has misunderstood something or has a bee in her bonnet about something. Either way, if you thik you and your ex are happily co parenting and nobody is being put upon, ignore her - and tell her she is wrong!

StormBaby · 23/04/2021 11:40

I’m in the exact same situation with my ex H. We do 50/50, always have, so no need for maintenance. I think think there was a brief period of about a year where he was working more so it was 60/40 and he gave me £50 a month as a token gesture.

audweb · 23/04/2021 11:40

I can’t imagine you would get much it seems like an equal split in custody. And it sounds like a wonderful co parenting relationship. Long may it continue I would think.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 23/04/2021 11:45

Your children are very lucky to have parents that put their children's needs before their own. So many children either end up with one selfish parent or stuck between parents who can barely be civil to each other.

I wouldn't claim maintenance in your situation. Might be different if there was a huge difference in income of the parents.

SimonJT · 23/04/2021 11:47

As you have a 50/50 arrangement if he paid you maintenance surely that would also mean you owe him maintenance?

COS2102 · 23/04/2021 12:07

I think you're doing the right thing. My husband has this equal split but pays each month on a private arrangement. It started when she wasn't working but she earns the same as him now and it still continues....I don't think its fair as she gets the child benefit too but we still pay because it just isn't worth the hassle. My brother doesn't pay any maintenance on his 60/40 arrangement because two of the children aren't biologically his but he treats them all the same.

Honestly just ignore your mother on this one, it isn't one rule suits all and you are doing what works for you

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 17:15

YANBU, sounds like you have the ideal co-parenting set-up. I wish this was more common.

EnoughnowIthink · 23/04/2021 17:19

If it works for you, it's fine. If there is an expectation that you are spending more than he is on the essentials - haircuts, school uniforms, shoes, school lunches, trips etc. or if you are the one doing all the appointments and picking up in the event of illness then there might be an argument for some maintenance but as it sounds, it's probably not worth rocking the boat.

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