Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How should this be paid for?

56 replies

loantopil · 23/04/2021 10:47

PIL are living in a property we own as due to poor finances do not have their own place. Both currently not working but looking for jobs. They've asked DH to pay the council tax this month as they are short. They are not ones to cut their cloth and I could see this coming (they used to borrow from DH more regularly and usually repaid although he often picked up bill for family events).

We both work FT and put all income into family pot and from that have monthly allowance for personal spending. He assumed he'd help PIL from his personal spends but now seems annoyed I didn't offer for it to come out of the family pot. He can afford what they are asking for (about half his monthly discretionary spending).

From my POV, although we are financially comfortable now we cannot afford to support PIL long term beyond living in our property rent free. They have not saved to retire and cannot live the life they want to on their small pensions. DH is understandably stressed by this as it falls to him to pick up the pieces although he will never get clear information from his parents about their need for regular support or speaking to them to reduce their expectations of what is achievable on their budget.

My AIBU is that I don't feel that our family money should support them, if DH wants/needs to help with bills it should come from his own money as it might help him address with them their situation. I admit my judgement might be clouded as I have a different situation with my own parents and have had issues with being on the same page with PIL in the past.

YABU - you should help PIL from the family pot
YANBU - DH should use his own money when they need help

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 23/04/2021 10:49

No way. If he chooses to enable his parents' irresponsible saving, it comes out of his money. Dont subsidise him subsidising them!

Sparklfairy · 23/04/2021 10:49

Spending not saving Hmm

AnotherCupOfTeaVicar · 23/04/2021 10:50

I agree with you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/04/2021 10:51

I’ve had similar with other relatives (not PIL). You are 100% perfectly and understandably reasonable.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2021 10:52

If it were a one off I’d take it from the family pot - shit happens now and then and I would help family how I could.

However this is a larger problem - I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but you need to find out what’s happening long-term because this will just keep happening.

If you don’t want to support your PIL but your DH does there will be much bigger problems down the road.

OneCalamerra · 23/04/2021 10:52

I think as you have a system of having your own spending money it’s fair that he subsidises his parents from that. Presumably if you were buying birthday presents or something for your parents then you’d pay from your money?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/04/2021 10:54

YANBU. In fact, you're being more than generous. I'd have divorced him for thinking our family should sub them and then he could see how far he got doing that once all the property had to be sold in the split. I have zero patience for this type of shit.

My AIBU is that I don't feel that our family money should support them, if DH wants/needs to help with bills it should come from his own money as it might help him address with them their situation. I admit my judgement might be clouded as I have a different situation with my own parents and have had issues with being on the same page with PIL in the past.

It shouldn't. In fact, none of it should. Every single penny spent on them is money taken away from your own family and/or your own pensions.

The rent you're not collecting is worth thousands/annum. If that's not enough for them, well, honestly, I'd be having words with your husband.

But the council tax comes from his personal allowance.

HippeePrincess · 23/04/2021 10:54

Neither, they should claim benefits and council tax reduction and pay the remainder and the rent from their income.

PegPeople · 23/04/2021 10:54

Wow they're the epitome of cheeky fuckers aren't they. Living rent free in a house provided by you should be more than enough.

I'd absolutely be insisting if your DH wanted to support them further it came from his own pocket.

Aprilshowersandhail · 23/04/2021 10:56

Your family pot should not be short because his dps can't finance their own lives.. If he is pissed off he has to fund them he is more likely to kick their arses into gear than if you agree to it coming from the pot.. It will be an endless pot in their eyes and will keep sponging..

Brogues · 23/04/2021 10:58

I didn’t click on either choice because neither of you should be paying. They’re already getting enough of a free ride from you.

Wildflowers2020 · 23/04/2021 11:01

They are already benefiting from rent free accommodation at your expense. That rental income could be boosting your own pension and savings but you have been generous enough to forfeit that additional income stream. Any financial support above and beyond this should 100% come from your husbands personal spending pot.
You shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice more from the family pot simply because they don’t live within their means.

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 11:10

YANBU at all. If he keeps giving them handovers they are never going to live within their means.

My mum lives mortgage free, she manages perfectly well on her pension and pension credit. Can they not claim jobseekers?

fishonabicycle · 23/04/2021 11:11

Jeez! Your pils are freeloading fuckers! Don't help them any more! Rent free already!

Planningobjection · 23/04/2021 11:14

Are they living rent free? If so their benefits should be enough to cover the bills and food

Original poster
loantopil · 23/04/2021 11:16

Thank you for all your comments.

We do use our personal spending for buying gifts for our direct family however this is another difference, his family spend a lot more on each other (surprise surprise) but my family's approach is a token/thoughtful gift then my own DPs give the children an amount into savings so he sees I don't need to spend much.

I've made my peace with the rent free living, it was always a longer term investment for us. I really feel for my DH being in this situation as I would want to help my own parents but I know they would never ask. PILs keep going on about hating asking but not enough to sort themselves out! Poor DH is seen as the cash cow and my concern is he thinks I'm doing same by not chipping in.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/04/2021 11:17

@Planningobjection

Are they living rent free? If so their benefits should be enough to cover the bills and food
My guess is they're not claiming and living on handouts from their son because if they were they'd have council tax benefit included in their UC award. Or, if they are claiming UC, then they are straight up lying to their son saying they have to pay the full whack in council tax and keeping the cash, which would also be unsurprising.
Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 11:18

Yeah I’m with you too. He’s taking the piss, he needs to pay for this and he needs to sort it with them, you’re doing more than enough.

Chloemol · 23/04/2021 11:19

You are already helping by letting them live rent free. That’s joint income you could have, as I assume if something goes wrong and work is required that will come from joint income as it’s a joint asset

Anything else for living costs should come from your DHs money. Then if he can’t afford to do it he has the discussion with then about cutting their cloth accordingly

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/04/2021 11:20

@stackemhigh

YANBU at all. If he keeps giving them handovers they are never going to live within their means.

My mum lives mortgage free, she manages perfectly well on her pension and pension credit. Can they not claim jobseekers?

Excepting contribution based jobseekers allowance, all new claims for jobseekers are now Universal Credit. If they are under state pension age, they'll be forced into work, so my guess is they're not claiming the UC because they won't be allowed to sit on it forever 'looking for jobs'.
Original poster
loantopil · 23/04/2021 11:21

They are not in UK, we own the property in DH's home country so they can't claim benefits. They don't pay us rent.

OP posts:
FeelinHappy · 23/04/2021 11:28

Is their council tax split so they don't pay it in Feb and March? If they've not had to pay any since Jan and still can't afford it this month then they/your DP need to address how on earth they are going to afford it for the rest of the year.

That, and the fact they are asking for a gift not a loan, rings bigger alarm bells for me.

Planningobjection · 23/04/2021 11:28

Ah ok. I wouldn’t be happy with this though. How much rent would you get if you were renting it out? It’s very unfair that your husband thinks it’s acceptable for his parents poor money handling is costing you. I would be separating finances and expecting an income from him to invest for the missed rent.

FeelinHappy · 23/04/2021 11:30

Cross post, I was assuming from the word council tax that they were in the UK.

Still think there is a bigger problem here

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/04/2021 12:10

If the are not working then they should have little or no tax to pay

Swipe left for the next trending thread