To consider the ending extra-curricular activities at Secondary

[secular39]

Hello,

I have three DC's. The middle DC is starting secondary in September. He is a part of a recreational swim club and he swims with them two days a week. DC is a very talented swimmer and his swim teacher encouraged us to move on and find a competitive swimming squad where DC can compete competitively.

The swim teacher recommended a few swimming squads and we found one that seems perfect for DC. But they swim between 3-4 x a week and will have to do some extra swimming if they are competing. DC would love to do it but I'm ummm and ahhhing. We love his recreational swim club as they compete informally with others, it's local and he has made great friends.

Anyway I told a friend about this and she thinks I'm being ludicrous. She said that it will be too much for DC as he will be going into secondary, that he wouldn't have time to do his homework, he should be hanging out with friends and he should be focusing on his GCSE's in the years down the line. She reckons that I should stop all of DC's extra curricular activities once he starts secondary.

The issue is that DC has ADHD and has a bad temperament at times. He is very easily led, wants to fit in and I'm worried once he starts secondary, he would be led astray in the bad crowd. Whereas, his activists keep him grounded, focussed and relaxed.He also attends yoga and private ART therapy (to help with his anger....). What is he going to do in his free time? I can guarantee he will be hanging out in the streets. But he does spends time with his friends outside of course currently.

I understand what my friend is saying. But I'm at loss as to what is best for DC and his impending teenage-hood. DC absolutely loves swimming but I don't want him to burn out, miss out on stuff, not be focus on his homework (this has not been an issue anyway but it will I reckon if he gets mountain of work). But swimming- he lives and breathes it. I do not care much about a competitive swimming squad, but DC is literally jumping at the idea. What is a mother suppose to do? (Sigh).

My kids both swam competitively, at the end swimming 6 times a week. My dd only stopped at the age of 15. She found that it made her very organised in terms of her homework, she made loads of friends and it widened her network from school friends. She competed for her school and her club and it gave her a lot of confidence, plus of course she was incredibly fit.

It's a great sport and if your child is keen go for it.

I just think that extra curricular stuff keeps them busy so they don't have time to get into trouble! As a pp has said, activities tend to replace hanging around with friends/tv/whatever, so if they are out being busy and productive 5 nights a week, they are by default less likely to be hanging around, irrespective of whether the hanging around is something that would get them into trouble. As mine all had activities 5/6 nights a week, their main friends tended to be from the activity, rather than from school. The acitivity friends tended to be focussed and productive, so mine followed suit. The downside to this has been lockdown, where the activities are all cancelled - they have been lost without them.

I would wait and see. You are worrying before hes even had a chance to try. I found when at secondary school that my friends outside school through extra curricular stuff really helped.

As an answer to your previous question, of course limiting contact to unsavoury people and keeping DC surrounded by motivated young people and positive adult role models will reduce the liklihood of your DC being dragged into gangs etc.

As he gets older it might be worth looking into Army, Air, Navy, Police or Fire cadets. The structure and huge range of activities and opportunities offered by these organisations (whether you have any interest in signing up as an adult) are great for teenagers particularly those with ADHD. As a teen I was involved with air cadets, went abroad for the first time, competed in first aid competitions, competed in sports competitions (including swimming) Flew in various aeroplanes and helicopters, flew gliders and aerobatic aircraft. Went on week long camps several times a year. Gained a Btec in aviation studies and made some brilliant friends who I socialised with. Throughout High school and secondary school, I left when I went to Uni. Everything was highly subsidised and although I never joined up it made me who I am today.

Another positive of keeping on with it is that you've already got two sports out of 3 for a GCSE in PE. If he's less interested in things like history or computer studies, that passion and energy could then be a path for future options? Perhaps with science and food prep and nutrition, for example? They're certainly common groupings everywhere I've been and led on to things like coaching, physio and sports nutrition for those interested, even when they haven't progressed to olympian level.

@secular39 just posting to say you sound a lovely mum.
Keep your DS swimming, it will help enormously throughout his teenage years for all sorts of reasons.

Also do contact the SENCo, the more they know of your son, the more they can support him through the transition to secondary.

As a secondary school teacher, I had a student who swam competitively in year 11. He was more focused and determined than most of the others and had always completed his homework because his parents were heavily involved. Btw he had SEN too. Please do not stop him and encourage him on his not so good days.

Thank you everyone. You have all confirmed my affirmations. I love my friend dearly and I know she means well and has experience (both of her kids are in Yr10 at secondary). But she's lucky in that both her kids are very studious, motivated to do well in their studies and have no additional needs. I would not have even bothered with putting my kids into extra curricular activities if it wasn't for my eldest DC who is Autistic, and that private therapies and extra curricular stuff have been a game changer for him.

I will look elsewhere around for competitive swim squad. Preferably with less training hours! DC will be elated that I have agreed- but on the premises that we find a suitable swimming squad that would take account his needs, support him and less training hours. Thank you everyone for sharing their personal stories. You have all motivated me to keep going and do what's best for DC

Great stuff OP . Hope you find a suitable club.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

As an answer to your previous question, of course limiting contact to unsavoury people and keeping DC surrounded by motivated young people and positive adult role models will reduce the liklihood of your DC being dragged into gangs etc.

As he gets older it might be worth looking into Army, Air, Navy, Police or Fire cadets. The structure and huge range of activities and opportunities offered by these organisations (whether you have any interest in signing up as an adult) are great for teenagers particularly those with ADHD. As a teen I was involved with air cadets, went abroad for the first time, competed in first aid competitions, competed in sports competitions (including swimming) Flew in various aeroplanes and helicopters, flew gliders and aerobatic aircraft. Went on week long camps several times a year. Gained a Btec in aviation studies and made some brilliant friends who I socialised with. Throughout High school and secondary school, I left when I went to Uni. Everything was highly subsidised and although I never joined up it made me who I am today.

Just read this. This sounds amazing!

My DS joined swim club at 7 and swam competitively throughout secondary school. He swam 3 x a week plus two mornings- He stopped swimming competitively in yr 11 - because he wanted to stop and get his saturday mornings back. Swimming was great for him. He's not as academic as his friends but he could swim really fast and he was really strong - he had that inner confidence, secondary aged kids need occupation, he had to stick to something to get better, he made lots of friends. I also want to say that swim club is borning if you don't get reasonably good and the way to get good is to train - swim clubs are competitive places. Last thought if he enters competitions it gets time consuming and can be expensive but worth it.

Definitely don't follow your friend's advice on this, and yes, I think you must be talking to the 'wrong' parents.

I'd say it is REALLY important to do at least one thing out of school when you are secondary age. More so than Primary in truth.
The whole social side, and not relying on school alone for friends is important.

For many, being able to be good at something is good, if they aren't going to be top academics. Well, in truth, if they are going to be top academics, it is also good for your social standing if you are good at a sport as well.
For a child with ADHD, the regular exercise, particularly exercise where it is non-combative is brilliant.
Then, you are absolutely right about who they mix with. Much better to be mixing with other youngsters who have a bit of drive and the discipline of commitment to something than those aimlessly hanging around looking for something to fill their time.

I mean, I was glad that none of my 3 were good enough to make it to competitive swimming, as there is a heck of a commitment for parents to get up and take them for training for 2 hours before school and training 5x a week etc plus long long days at weekends for galas. It's more than I had the time or energy to commit to, with work and other dc to fit in BUT, all of mine have always done activities and made it through the teen years then on to University in tact.

I think your friend has a really... odd view of life.

Motivated children will manage to balance their passions and their studies. A fabulous skill that will stand them in good stead for future life, especially university where studious children often go off the rails having to self-manage.

Children with challenges like ADHD need to be in situations where they can succeed, lead and make friends based on their strengths.

Supremely talented children obviously need to follow their passions, whether that's swimming, dancing or studying.

But ultimately: what kind of adult do you want to turn out? One that is fit, healthy, happy, supported? I hope so!

Let him swim.

I have never heard of asking 11 year olds to give up all passions and interests either. It seems so sad. They are children.

Even if they are hugely academic. Oxbridge applications want to hear all about their extra curricular activities.

Its an outlet and core to his self esteem. Make the decision as to whether to continue before the start of year 10 when things start to count.

He will be learning as many life skills at swimming such as focus determination patience and listening to advice and guidance as anywhere else and these are applicable elsewhere.

Definitely keep the swimming going, he loves it. My DC swam until age 14 then wanted to stop and I was gutted. There aren't any other clubs cos of covid and they can't do homework for 7 hours a day! She still had time for friends and it was great for her health. I now worry about her hanging around at the park. He might outgrow it anyway before his GCSEs

As a parent of a son with ADHD, I would say definitely keep up the swimming. My son also has few friends and struggles terribly with low self esteem. If he had something he enjoyed and was good at, I'd do anything to continue it.
If it gets too much, you can change it later but for now, ignore your friend and do the best for your son.

The issue is that DC has ADHD and has a bad temperament at times. He is very easily led, wants to fit in and I'm worried once he starts secondary, he would be led astray in the bad crowd. Whereas, his activists keep him grounded, focussed and relaxed.

I would go do far as to say that my DD with ADHD would have done poorly without her extra curriculars. They gave her focus, taught her to use her brain in a different way, made her 'good' at something that wasn't school. Gave her teachers who saw her in a different way.

No way I will give up her hobbies as long as she wants to do them. And your son does.

Let him do it, my daughter rides, and it’s a very time consuming sport/hobby. Daily mucking out and feeding is the minimum. She also has GCSEs, but her riding means the world to her and channels her excess energy (ADHD/ASD).
My only caveat is that she knows if she wants go give it up she can. It’s her choice entirely.

Extra curricular were a godsend for my DC at secondary school. I was so grateful for them. It keeps them out of mischief.

Sport at a high level might give him an incentive to avoid unhealthy excesses that so many teenagers engage in.

First year of secondary school often isn't too academically challenging.

It's a rubbish message to make him give up in case it's too much. It's like quitting before you've even tried.

I think your friend is utterly bonkers. Try it and see how he goes with it, but if it is too much go back to rec swimming. He likes it, he's good at it, and it sounds like he has a bunch of other stuff in life that is challenging.

Extra curriculars give kids with difficult school lives alternative social scenes, purpose and an opportunity to be good at something.

He finds it relaxing. If he stops finding it relaxing out it's interfering with school then change stuff, but the idea of quitting on the advice of a friend makes little sense.