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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend allowing his friend to overhear our private conversation!

77 replies

listeningin1 · 22/04/2021 20:38

Boyfriend and I had an argument a couple of months ago on the phone, regarding concerns I have over a particular friendship of his (an ex fling turned 'female bestie'). There's a lot of context here, but I am fearful of outing as I know she reads here. To summarise, I think some of the behaviour is inappropriate, he disagrees.

The reason for the argument was that I found out that he was out at a bar with her, which he had intentionally kept hidden from me. We had a an argument on the phone, whilst they were both at the bar, where I had mentioned my concerns about their past fling. I also mentioned some other very private things during the conversation.

Months later, on the same topic of conversation, he mentions how they'd both had a laugh at the bar about my concerns over their history together and how ridiculous I was to be worried about it. Turns out she'd been able to overhear the entire conversation! I sent the following to him and then blocked him:

'X wasn't a part of that conversation, I didn't invite X to be a part of it, I didn't know X could overhear, and you should have taken it upon yourself to make sure that X couldn't hear an incredibly intimate and private conversation. Then the two of you taking it upon yourselves to have a discussion about something I was under the impression was being said in PRIVATE between you and I. This is done.'

He's now frantically trying to contact me through any means possible (email, bank transfer!!) to try and get back with me.

AIBU or is this a gross violation of our trust and my privacy?

OP posts:
EngelbertsRumpispink · 23/04/2021 06:12

Good for you, and don't give in @listeningin1!
That was a reprehensible breach of trust.
If you get back with him, you will regret it.
No doubt about it.
Please don't.

Shoxfordian · 23/04/2021 06:26

Don’t take him back, he has no respect for you

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/04/2021 06:54

Boyfriend and I had an argument a couple of months ago on the phone, regarding concerns I have over a particular friendship of his (an ex fling turned 'female bestie'). There's a lot of context here, but I am fearful of outing as I know she reads here. To summarise, I think some of the behaviour is inappropriate, he disagrees.

Is it only his female friends you have a problem with him seeing?

The reason for the argument was that I found out that he was out at a bar with her, which he had intentionally kept hidden from me. We had a an argument on the phone, whilst they were both at the bar, where I had mentioned my concerns about their past fling. I also mentioned some other very private things during the conversation.

Do you always start arguments to get people to do what you want them to do? Do you hold him accountable to other things that happened before you became partners?

Months later, on the same topic of conversation, he mentions how they'd both had a laugh at the bar about my concerns over their history together and how ridiculous I was to be worried about it. Turns out she'd been able to overhear the entire conversation!

Isnt that always a risk if youre sitting with someone and someone else is shouting down the phone at you? (you said an argument so I presume shouting)

Either way doesnt sound like it was a healthy relationship you both sound like toxic people

ThankGodForChocolate · 23/04/2021 07:04

Lol at people saying "you started an argument "That WaS WrOnG" if I'd just found out my other half was in a bar with a woman and he'd intentionally hid it from me I'd start a fucking argument too. Wouldn't care who she was the fact he tried to deceive me about it would be a huge no. And then to say "oh my Mrs thinks xyz how funny" and laugh about it and then tell me they'd laughed about it I would honestly think they have no respect for me. I wouldn't laugh with my mates about my other half feeling insecure about something and I'm surprised how many people think you should be ok with that

Bonheurdupasse · 23/04/2021 07:06

Don’t take him back OP.
He has no respect for you.

TenaciousOnePointOne · 23/04/2021 07:15

[quote BakeOffRewatch]**@Honeybobbin* @Bluntness100* @CombatBarbie with respect to messages, it’s a standard thing in apps like Monzo, send emojis or longer messages with transfer. But not in the bank reference line! That would be really weird.

@listeningin1 OP it’s never unreasonable to want out. It sounds like it was hard work anyway. You don’t have to be part of this dynamic he engages in of cool friend and naggy girlfriend.[/quote]
Actually it isn’t uncommon for messages to be entered into the reference for bank transfers from ‘normal’ banks...

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 07:21

Actually it isn’t uncommon for messages to be entered into the reference for bank transfers from ‘normal’ banks...

Do you mean in general? I think every single person knows this. The wow was transferring small amounts to use the message capability to contact someone.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2021 07:24

Good on you.

She didn't just overhear. They TALKED and LAUGHED about your upset.

He's a dick.

OneRankSuperior · 23/04/2021 07:33

Did the BF actually put the conversation on speakerphone deliberately so his friend/ex could listen in? Or was it that they were sat at the bar together when he took the call and she could overhear some of what was being said? Those are quite different scenarios.

If it’s the former it’s a big breach of trust. If the latter then it’s not the phone conversation so much as all the context around it, which could be as much about you being controlling / overreacting to a friendship as it is about BF’s behaviour (which doesn’t sound exemplary)

Whoever is at fault here, it sounds like your relationship isn’t in a good place and you might both be better off without each other.

Floweree · 23/04/2021 07:37

You phoned him when he was out, she was either going to hear or hear his responses anyway. That said, you sound better off without, good for you.

Sirzy · 23/04/2021 07:40

His reaction was wrong but I think if you have an argument over the phone when you know someone is somewhere public you can expect a) the other person will hear at least one side of the conversation and b) they may be concerned for their friend and therefore end up being a sounding board for them afterwards.

That’s not to say your not better off without him of course. Just perhaps in future a “we will talk about it when you get home” wokld be better all around.

MarcelinesMa · 23/04/2021 07:45

Well done OP you’ve done the right thing. I really think he underestimated you and didn’t expect you to respond the way you did. More fool him. Anyone who thinks you’re being dramatic Hmm has low standards and should probably address that.

As for the messages via bank transfer, that doesn’t shock me at all. I know of an abuser who used Netflix to send messages to his ex and kids so for example one account said “let me see my kids” another said “I will find you” or similar. Nasty fuckers who don’t understand or respect the word no will go to any lengths it seems to get their point across.

Winterwoollies · 23/04/2021 08:02

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. He sounds extremely immature. If he can’t see that the situation would make you uncomfortable, and didn’t want to work with you on that, and instead deliberately concealed that he was out drinking with her, then they laughed at you about the call... then he’s a moron.

I applaud your conviction.

hopeishere · 23/04/2021 08:33

It's not nice but having a big heart to heart on the phone while someone is out socialising is rude and annoying. And would likely lead to the overall situation then being discussed. You should have saved it for when you got home.

EmpressSuiko · 23/04/2021 09:10

Another person who just wants to say well done for putting your own needs first! Too many people put up with unacceptable behaviour from their partners. I hope I’m raising my own children to be this self aware so they know they are always in control of their own lives and no one is worth putting up with.

Allwokedup · 23/04/2021 09:12

He’s a tool. Bank transfer made me laugh though

Ponoka7 · 23/04/2021 09:23

It sounds as though they are either hiding in plain sight, or he's keeping her on the back burner if things don't go well between you. Personally I'd get out of it. He's given another person ammunition to laugh at you, that's never ok from a partner.

OneRankSuperior · 23/04/2021 11:15

As OP has presented this (boyfriend deceiving her about meeting an ex, allowing ex to listen in to a private conversation and mocking her with the ex) it seems totally reasonable to block him and move on.

However, I can well imagine a reverse of this where OP is meeting up for a drink with a male friend/ex, her boyfriend is ringing demanding to know where she is and who she is out with and going off on one when she tells him. She explains to friend/ex what the conversation was about and friend/ex laughs at how ridiculous it is to worry about their friendship as they are so firmly platonic. Boyfriend won’t let this drop and raises it again months after the event and won’t listen to OP trying to explain it is how little her friend/ex is a threat.

Gemma2019 · 23/04/2021 14:10

Good on you for drawing a line and dumping him. You're well rid. That's very interesting about the bank transfer though, very innovative of him.

apalledandshocked · 23/04/2021 14:26

@ThankGodForChocolate

Lol at people saying "you started an argument "That WaS WrOnG" if I'd just found out my other half was in a bar with a woman and he'd intentionally hid it from me I'd start a fucking argument too. Wouldn't care who she was the fact he tried to deceive me about it would be a huge no. And then to say "oh my Mrs thinks xyz how funny" and laugh about it and then tell me they'd laughed about it I would honestly think they have no respect for me. I wouldn't laugh with my mates about my other half feeling insecure about something and I'm surprised how many people think you should be ok with that
yes, but if she hadnt "started an arguement" she would have been told she was in the wrong for not CoMmUnIcAtInG.
apalledandshocked · 23/04/2021 14:33

@OneRankSuperior

As OP has presented this (boyfriend deceiving her about meeting an ex, allowing ex to listen in to a private conversation and mocking her with the ex) it seems totally reasonable to block him and move on.

However, I can well imagine a reverse of this where OP is meeting up for a drink with a male friend/ex, her boyfriend is ringing demanding to know where she is and who she is out with and going off on one when she tells him. She explains to friend/ex what the conversation was about and friend/ex laughs at how ridiculous it is to worry about their friendship as they are so firmly platonic. Boyfriend won’t let this drop and raises it again months after the event and won’t listen to OP trying to explain it is how little her friend/ex is a threat.

No, sorry I am all for keeping friendships outside of your relationship, but discussing your own relationship with a friend of the opposite sex especially one you had had a "fling" with just crosses boundaries (for me) to be honest. I can understand if you really needed the male perspective, but even that feels a bit dodgy - let alone laughing at a partner. With female friends, I would be more likely to discuss relationship issues but tbh, in those circumstances if he phoned me up to rant at me and they overheard they would more likely be concerned than amused. There arent many circumstances where laughing at my partners insecurities/jealousies with others feels the right response. Whoever was actually "in the wrong" its doesnt bode well for the relationship.

I would also feel wierd if I was meeting up with a male friend platonically and he brought up that his girlfriend was jealous of me or wanted to discuss her jealousy.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2021 14:39

If you had it out with him while she was sitting there they're going to be discussing it when the call ends.
I doubt she overheard every word unless she was sitting on his shoulder.
They had a fling it is over.
Your jealousy will drive him away if he has to hide this friend from you.
If they were supposed to be in a relationship they'd be in one.

Branleuse · 23/04/2021 15:09

clearly your suspicions were correct all along. Fuck him and fuck her and the horse they rode in on. I would be absolutely furious to find out that I had been openly mocked like that, and I dont think id be able to forgive that. Im not interested in being part of any blokes harem of fawning women that he plays off against each other

CirclesWithinCircles · 23/04/2021 15:14

He's a nightmare who wants a harem of women surrounding him. He's just too much hassle and drama. Keep him blocked and he will eventually give up.

Justanticipating · 23/04/2021 15:48

I had concerns with my ex at the time and my best friend who I met him through, and when I was talking about breaking up he used to ring her up in front of me, on loud speaker and talk about breaking up with me to see what she says and show me the reaction. The fact that it didn't seem out of the blue for my friend means they'd spoken about it behind my back.
It's not quite the same, but reminds me of the same level of disrespect. I'm glad to hear you broke up with him from this, it's totally unacceptable on so many levels.