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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend allowing his friend to overhear our private conversation!

77 replies

listeningin1 · 22/04/2021 20:38

Boyfriend and I had an argument a couple of months ago on the phone, regarding concerns I have over a particular friendship of his (an ex fling turned 'female bestie'). There's a lot of context here, but I am fearful of outing as I know she reads here. To summarise, I think some of the behaviour is inappropriate, he disagrees.

The reason for the argument was that I found out that he was out at a bar with her, which he had intentionally kept hidden from me. We had a an argument on the phone, whilst they were both at the bar, where I had mentioned my concerns about their past fling. I also mentioned some other very private things during the conversation.

Months later, on the same topic of conversation, he mentions how they'd both had a laugh at the bar about my concerns over their history together and how ridiculous I was to be worried about it. Turns out she'd been able to overhear the entire conversation! I sent the following to him and then blocked him:

'X wasn't a part of that conversation, I didn't invite X to be a part of it, I didn't know X could overhear, and you should have taken it upon yourself to make sure that X couldn't hear an incredibly intimate and private conversation. Then the two of you taking it upon yourselves to have a discussion about something I was under the impression was being said in PRIVATE between you and I. This is done.'

He's now frantically trying to contact me through any means possible (email, bank transfer!!) to try and get back with me.

AIBU or is this a gross violation of our trust and my privacy?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 21:55

@Honeybobbin

Totally off topic but how is he getting in touch via bank transfer? Confused
I’m curious about this too...
Honeyroar · 22/04/2021 21:56

It would be bad enough but he made it worse by telling you they had a laugh about you afterwards. Not laughing now, is he. Dump and move on.

CombatBarbie · 22/04/2021 21:58

The bank transfer thing.... You transfer 1p to her acct and in reference start the message rinse and repeat to make a paragraph.

Scarily, it's a common method for those with non molestation orders against exs......

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 21:58

You shouldn't have assumed the conversation was private- did it not sound like he was at a bar? But he should have told you you were on speaker phone/he wasn't alone. He is massively at fault for not doing do and no messaging through bank transfers would get me to get back together with him if I were you.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 21:59

Can you ask your bank to block his transactions or return them?

frazzledasarock · 22/04/2021 21:59

Sending a small amount of money and writing a short message in the reference?

Royalbloo · 22/04/2021 21:59

That's awful. If that's how he treats someone he "cares" about id have nothing to do with him. Done. Well done you x

Royalbloo · 22/04/2021 22:00

Oh god, I've had this too, bank transfers with, "Miss you" or, "Please call me" as the reference. Fucking weirdos.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 22:05

@CombatBarbie

The bank transfer thing.... You transfer 1p to her acct and in reference start the message rinse and repeat to make a paragraph.

Scarily, it's a common method for those with non molestation orders against exs......

Wow...😱
billy1966 · 22/04/2021 22:08

Well played OP.

He is absolute scum.

And dim.

He really misjudged YOU.

He thought he could actually get away with telling you that he was laughing at you.

Utter scum.

Well done OP.
Flowers

MustBeTheWine · 22/04/2021 22:09

@Honeybobbin

Totally off topic but how is he getting in touch via bank transfer? Confused
He's probably sending her an X amount of money and adding a note/ Message in the refence bit.
Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 22:10

It doesn’t sound like a great relationship to be honest. You shouldn’t have started an argument with her say next to him as it’s obvious she’s know what it’s about. His history with her sounds too complicated. Cut your losses and run. In 10 years time they’ll be together and you’ll have saved yourself some heartache. He sounds like a prick for not only laughing about your argument but then telling you he laughed months later.
Also as a side note I’m amazed by the bank transfer, maybe suggest you’ll talk if he ups the amount and make a bit of money off him.

billy1966 · 22/04/2021 22:10

@FireflyRainbow

I think YABU a bit. My partner has annoyingly done this before when he been with his mates and I've rang. But he annoyingly does the same if his mates call and I'm with him, he just puts everyone on speaker. He knows it pisses me off and doesn't do it to me now. That I know off. You are quite dramatic. Why not just have a girl chat about it.
Respectfully, you have very low standards.

The OP doesn't.
Flowers

WilsonMilson · 22/04/2021 22:11

Leave him and this other woman to their cosy ‘friendship’. He sounds like an untrustworthy knobber and you’re better off out of that three ring circus.

saraclara · 22/04/2021 22:16

I would never trust someone that was so casual with my privacy and my feelings

That. And the fact that he actually volunteered this information two months later shows that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Putting you on speaker while you were talking about her, you were distressed and while you were talking about other private things, is absolutely appalling.

You will have no privacy in this relationship, and he has no respect for you.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 22:20

Don’t take him back, what an arsehole. He totally betrayed your trust and I can’t really believe he told you they both had a laugh at your expense, who does that?!

BakeOffRewatch · 22/04/2021 22:25

@Honeybobbin @Bluntness100 @CombatBarbie with respect to messages, it’s a standard thing in apps like Monzo, send emojis or longer messages with transfer. But not in the bank reference line! That would be really weird.

@listeningin1 OP it’s never unreasonable to want out. It sounds like it was hard work anyway. You don’t have to be part of this dynamic he engages in of cool friend and naggy girlfriend.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 22:31

FINALLY...

a Poster will balls. 🎉

You have boundaries and you have enforced them.

RESPECT to you Lady 🌸

Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:31

@listeningin1

Boyfriend and I had an argument a couple of months ago on the phone, regarding concerns I have over a particular friendship of his (an ex fling turned 'female bestie'). There's a lot of context here, but I am fearful of outing as I know she reads here. To summarise, I think some of the behaviour is inappropriate, he disagrees.

The reason for the argument was that I found out that he was out at a bar with her, which he had intentionally kept hidden from me. We had a an argument on the phone, whilst they were both at the bar, where I had mentioned my concerns about their past fling. I also mentioned some other very private things during the conversation.

Months later, on the same topic of conversation, he mentions how they'd both had a laugh at the bar about my concerns over their history together and how ridiculous I was to be worried about it. Turns out she'd been able to overhear the entire conversation! I sent the following to him and then blocked him:

'X wasn't a part of that conversation, I didn't invite X to be a part of it, I didn't know X could overhear, and you should have taken it upon yourself to make sure that X couldn't hear an incredibly intimate and private conversation. Then the two of you taking it upon yourselves to have a discussion about something I was under the impression was being said in PRIVATE between you and I. This is done.'

He's now frantically trying to contact me through any means possible (email, bank transfer!!) to try and get back with me.

AIBU or is this a gross violation of our trust and my privacy?

I’d say, too little too late. Your doing the right thing, he clearly has no respect for u. When u care about someone, u would never want to upset them like this :( Sorry he did that to u x
Skysblue · 22/04/2021 23:17

Wow. Definitely avoid him. What’s to like? Can’t trust him; insists on hanging out with a woman he’s slept with despite you being uncomfortable with it; secretly lets her evesdrop on your private conversation then laughs about you with her behind your back... Then is stupid enough to tell you about it??

Nothing sexy there.

Fieldsofstars · 22/04/2021 23:23

He has absolutely no respect for you and seems to be revelling in the ego boost your insecurity’s are bringing him which is why he is disrespectfully laughing it off with his former fling.

You’ve made the right decision. You’re well rid.

Wavypurple · 22/04/2021 23:58

Correct and outstanding response from you.

Nasty behaviour on his part.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2021 00:02

Good for you OP.

Nitpickpicnic · 23/04/2021 00:17

I’ve read this straight after another thread full of women putting up with awful behaviour from partners. Truly gobsmacking stuff. Sooooo relieved to see someone with healthy boundaries, well policed.

If you put your self-worth ahead 100% of the time, I reckon you’ll never regret it. Give yourself 24 hours to be sure you aren’t being unreasonable and have all the facts straight, then state your boundary and walk off with confidence and dignity. Well done OP!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2021 01:19

You'd have to be an idiot to take this man back. You can't trust him any further than you can throw him.