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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In feeling offended that he hasn’t invited me?

38 replies

Sunnydayspol · 22/04/2021 11:31

Started dating a guy back in January (I don’t live in the UK before anyone mentions Covid rules) and things have been great since. Just over a month ago he asked how I felt about being exclusive and we both agreed we were ready for that. But we have not gone on since then to chat about being officially in a relationship yet, but I feel like this will come soon. All has continued to be good, seeing eachother a couple of times a week and he’s plenty of references to the future etc. We’re both in our 30s and wanting to settle down.

Fast forward to today, he mentions over the phone that he’s catching up with a couple of good friends and their wives for lunch over the weekend. He’s spoken about these two a fair bit as they are close friends but live a long drive away so he doesn’t get to see them too often. I asked if it was just going to be the 5 of them and he said yes.

AIBU in feeling a little upset that he hasn’t thought to invite me or even provided an explanation as to why he isn’t? For context, I’ve not met any of his friends yet. I feel I’d like to raise it with him but wanted to check others thoughts on this first as the last thing I want to do is scare him away if I’m being too full on.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2021 11:41

Whilst I understand its annoying..I guess he hasnt seen these friends much in the last year.
And when you have a 'newbie ' in the group it changes the dynamics of the group for instance private jokes you might not get have to be explained, conversations may have to stop to explain who/what they're talking about and you may feel left out of the conversations. I'm thi king they just want a good catch up.

None of these are huge issues but I understand.

NothingIcando · 22/04/2021 11:42

I wouldn't raise it with him. Youve been together a few months...he wants to catch up with his friends without all the formal introductions and getting acquainted

MaMaD1990 · 22/04/2021 11:43

I'd just ask in a non-confrontational way. "Will I get to meet your friends soon? I'd love to meet them when you go visit them, how come you've not asked me to join you?". See what he says.

CattingTime · 22/04/2021 11:45

No, I'd leave it. If he hasn't seen his friends in a while he probably wants a proper catch up. It changes the dynamic if there's a new person.

Wait for him to suggest him introducing you. 3 months isn't long to have been seeing each other.

starrynight21 · 22/04/2021 11:45

I agree with pp - this is a catch-up meeting for 5 people who haven't seen each other for quite a while. If he took you it would be a totally different scenario - meeting his new partner . I'd leave it this time. If it happened again I wouldn't be so understanding though !

LadyHedgehog · 22/04/2021 11:48

He may want to use this opportunity to tell them all about you before they meet you.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/04/2021 11:49

@MaMaD1990

I'd just ask in a non-confrontational way. "Will I get to meet your friends soon? I'd love to meet them when you go visit them, how come you've not asked me to join you?". See what he says.

I wouldn't do that, he obviously wants to catch up with them properly and that's more difficult when you have a new person in the mix that you feel responsible for (as in making sure they're not feeling left out of conversations etc) as other have pointed out, it's been a strange year and he probably hasn't met up with them in a while. If I was the OP i' might say, I'm looking forward to meeting them all some time when things are more normal again or whatever but I wouldn't put pressure on him this time

MaMaD1990 · 22/04/2021 11:52

That's a fair statement. I was coming from the POV that if she really wanted to raise it, its a possible way of putting it across.

MumW · 22/04/2021 11:55

I don't think I'd be offended. I might say "have a good weekend, looking forward to meeting them soon"
It would probably be easy to meet them individually first. Has he met your friends, been to similar set up with you?

LuaDipa · 22/04/2021 11:55

I think it’s still very early days and if he hasn’t seen these friends he may not even have told them about you yet so it might be awkward suddenly pitching up with you. I can understand why you feel the way you do, but I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

TheSoapyFrog · 22/04/2021 12:01

I wouldn't be offended and I wouldn't say anything. You're in a very new relationship and these are old friends he wants to catch up with. Even though wives are going, I'm assuming your partner has probably known them for some years too and counts them as friends, so it isn't really a big couples get together which you're being excluded from.
Most likely he'll tell them all about you as part of the catch up and will make arrangements for you to meet them all at a later date.

GenuineViolet · 22/04/2021 12:05

He may want to use this opportunity to tell them all about you before they meet you

This. If he just turns up with you the dynamic changes immediately.

DianaT1969 · 22/04/2021 12:08

Agree. Don't say anything. Make interesting plans for yourself that weekend. He hasn't seen them for a while and might want to chat about you. There will be better times to introduce you.

Triffid1 · 22/04/2021 12:08

I admit I haven't dated in a while but surely the conversation where you agreed that you are both ready to be exclusive WAS the point at which you agree you are now exclusive and in a relationship?

And actually I don't think that you are being unreasonable to feel a little upset he hasn't invited you. Or at the very least, provided an explanation of why he's not invited you. It smacks of him seeing his relationship with you as being entirely separate to the rest of his life.

I'm not sure what you should do because, as I said, I don't really even understand where you are at in terms of your relationship. But I'd be asking when you're going to meet each other's friends. Or suggesting it.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2021 12:10

If this was monthly dinner, I'd expect you to be invited at some point but he just wants to catch up with his mates, probably talk about his new relationship whilst they tease him about that one time he dates such and such, catch up on their news and talk about old friends etc. Not introduce a new gf to his mates so they can all get to know her. I'd leave it.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2021 12:13

Has he met your friends?

cookiecreampie · 22/04/2021 12:14

I'd leave it for now but if he doesn't invite you next time then I'd bring it up. How many times have you seen him? Are you meeting regularly or is fairly casual? I think if you've been seeing him regularly for the last few months then I'd expect an invite. Ask him if his friends know about you.

Rubyrecka · 22/04/2021 12:19

I wouldn't bother raising it, your really early on so I would assume he wants to see his friends first and get back to a bit of normality first.

Umm what's the difference between being exclusive and being in an official relationship? Sorry haven't dated for a while!

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 12:23

You’ve not been together long and he wants to spend time with his mates, it’s fair enough, you don’t need to be there all the time.

DDiva · 22/04/2021 12:23

I wouldn't be offended after a few months. Its true he will probably chat about you in advance of you meeting.

Wouldn't hurt to plant the seed tho. When he talks about seeing them just say say you'd love to meet them sometime....

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 12:23

I’m guessing he hasn’t seen his friends much and adding a new person to the mix can change the dynamic. You’ve only been dating for 3 months, I wouldn’t worry about it.

MsHedgehog · 22/04/2021 12:25

YABU. It’s only a few months!

Tbh it depends on how people view meeting friends. I never introduced my friends to a guy unless it was serious, so usually around 6 months to a year in. They would know all about my relationships but meeting the guy was a whole new level of commitment in a relationship, which is too soon right now IMO.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/04/2021 12:40

It sounds to me like this is a catch-up session after a long break. ‘How’s it going with Sunny?’ will probably be a topic of conversation, but it’s probably not the right time for a ‘Meet the Friends’ evening.

UCOinanOCG · 22/04/2021 12:51

I suspect he just wants a good catch up with his friends and this maybe gives him a chance to tell them about you. I don't think it is anything to worry about.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/04/2021 12:57

I agree with the previous posters who have said he wants a good catch-up with his friends, @Sunnydayspol, and that having a new person there would completely alter the dynamic for all of them.

It would be different if you'd been in a relationship for ages, and had still never been introduced to any of his friends.

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