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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In feeling offended that he hasn’t invited me?

38 replies

Sunnydayspol · 22/04/2021 11:31

Started dating a guy back in January (I don’t live in the UK before anyone mentions Covid rules) and things have been great since. Just over a month ago he asked how I felt about being exclusive and we both agreed we were ready for that. But we have not gone on since then to chat about being officially in a relationship yet, but I feel like this will come soon. All has continued to be good, seeing eachother a couple of times a week and he’s plenty of references to the future etc. We’re both in our 30s and wanting to settle down.

Fast forward to today, he mentions over the phone that he’s catching up with a couple of good friends and their wives for lunch over the weekend. He’s spoken about these two a fair bit as they are close friends but live a long drive away so he doesn’t get to see them too often. I asked if it was just going to be the 5 of them and he said yes.

AIBU in feeling a little upset that he hasn’t thought to invite me or even provided an explanation as to why he isn’t? For context, I’ve not met any of his friends yet. I feel I’d like to raise it with him but wanted to check others thoughts on this first as the last thing I want to do is scare him away if I’m being too full on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnydayspol · 22/04/2021 13:16

Thank you everyone, I’m so glad I asked! I think I was jumping the gun a bit here evidently!

OP posts:

TopTabby · 22/04/2021 13:20

Oh God, I'm older & this way of dating sounds bloody exhausting but I know it's how things are done now.
You need an honest talk with him about where you are, you can't rely on hints & talk of the future whilst trying to second guess everything.
YABU to expect an invitation this time but I'd be expecting to be at least mentioned & involved next time if you're still together.

Moondust001 · 22/04/2021 13:32

@MaMaD1990

I'd just ask in a non-confrontational way. "Will I get to meet your friends soon? I'd love to meet them when you go visit them, how come you've not asked me to join you?". See what he says.

how come you've not asked me to join you is non-confrontational? I'd hate to see what you think is confrontational.

I agree with others that people who are close and haven't been able to catch up for some time need some space. Friendships need maintenance. You would change that dynamic. And I suspect they may want to know about you. It's really hard to talk about you when you are there! But people do talk, and there's nothing to worry about in that. You seem to be commuicating well and developing sesnibly in a progressive pattern - don't upset the applecart by pushing for too much too soon.

MaMaD1990 · 22/04/2021 13:34

Well its all in the tone...sounds like you're naturally confrontational if you read that in an aggressive way. Oh dear.

Ivebeeninlockdowntoolong · 22/04/2021 13:38

@TopTabby

Oh God, I'm older & this way of dating sounds bloody exhausting but I know it's how things are done now. You need an honest talk with him about where you are, you can't rely on hints & talk of the future whilst trying to second guess everything. YABU to expect an invitation this time but I'd be expecting to be at least mentioned & involved next time if you're still together.

I agree, you need an honest talk and if you are going to have a future together you should feel it's okay to talk about things that are having an impact on you.

Eg it would be nice (when you talk about it) if he explained that yes, he wants to see his friends for a big catch up and tell them about you, so that the next meeting will include you. I don't know why other posters are advising you not to talk about it, though.

Quite rightly, TopTabby has pointed out you can't rely on hints and talk of the future whilst trying to 2nd guess everything. You're a mature adult so behave like one and ... just talk to him!

KarmaStar · 22/04/2021 13:57

Yanbu to be a bit upset ,however as pp have said,he hasn't seen them for a long time and he's looking forward to relaxing with the familiar camaraderie,that would be different introducing you.
Don't say anything,you don't want to be that gf who is clingy.Go i out yourself that weekend and have fun.
A gf who is happy and enjoying herself is much more attractive than the girlfriend texting every few hours saying I am missing you/lonely.
No doubt he will miss you and come home happy and eager to see you,have a great time.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 22/04/2021 14:08

On the subject of exclusivity and relationship, my understanding is that if you decide to be exclusive you are not sleeping with anyone else. It does not mean that you are now committed to your exclusive sexual partner, you may still be undecided as to how close and serious you want to get.

That's my guess though as I haven't dated for a long, long time and i certainly didn't go through the "steps" and "the talks" when dating my now husband. It does seem complex.

ChristmasFluff · 22/04/2021 14:41

You've not met any of his friends at 4 months in, yet Mumsnet gives him their seal of approval and you are being unreasonable......

How do you even know who you are really dating if you haven't seen him interacting with his friends? The first 90 days is where you would be seeing eachother interact in different situations so you can judge what you are getting into. It's harder with covid restrictions, but to have met none of his friends....

Why could he not meet them for a lunch catch-up, but arrange for you to come and meet them later to be introduced - maybe half an hour before they are due to leave or whatever? Isn't that something someone would do with their date of almost 4 months standing? When I think back to anyone I have dated for over 3 months, I'd have been really keen to introduce them to my long-distance friends - because I would want their opinion on him too. Why does he not care what they would think of you?

So many questions. Go slow, OP. I don't trust this dude. Either he's not as into you as he makes out, or he's not who you think he is. In my experience men are usually really keen to show off the women they are dating - unless they are not really planning on keeping her around.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/04/2021 14:45

Is he staying in their home? It would be inappropriate to add an extra if this was the case.
Agreeing with others it's a catch up, wave him off with a smile let him tell his friends about you.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/04/2021 14:46

You've not met any of his friends at 4 months in, yet Mumsnet gives him their seal of approval and you are being unreasonable......
Not unusual in a pandemic I have not seen friends or some family in a year.

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 14:50

I personally think it’s strange that after 3 months you haven’t met any of his friends or defined your relationship given your ages. Where are you if not the U.K. as obviously here it would be understandable not to have met his friends but if it’s say Australia or NZ where life is more or less normal it’s a bit off.
What do you want for your future? I ask this as when I was early 30’s and starting a relationship I wanted kids so couldn’t be hanging around 6 months to be able to call him my boyfriend etc

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2021 14:53

It's 4 months in the middle of a pandemic and he wants to catch up with his friends. It's fairly reasonable for the catch up to be the group of friends.

I don't really understand this talk about maybe becoming exclusive soon because surely if you both want to be exclusive it's exclusive. If his actions overall moving forward don't signal he is serious about your relationship the cut your losses and walk. It's too early to deal with games.

Looubylou · 24/04/2021 07:26

It's too difficult to judge without knowing where you are, due to pandemic. If he's been seeing friends generally, as normal, it is a bit odd not to have opportunistically met any at all whilst out and about - depending on if pubs etc have been open. That doesn't mean you have to be actually invited to everything though - that's a very different situation. I also agree that it is very difficult to see how "why have you not invited me" can be said in a non confrontational way - any attempt to do otherwise may seem wheedling or passive aggression /cloaked confrontational - that would wave big red flags at me! I'd rather someone is up front and genuine in confronting me. When I was asked, some months into a relationship for clarity as to exclusiveness (though that wasn't how it was phrased 30 years ago) I thought nothing of it - in fact I thought he was sweetly looking for reassurance. 5 years later he admitted that up until then, he had been dating me but had slept with a girl he met in a night club 2 weeks running ( and was obviously feeling guilty) . It was his way of justifying what he had done (we weren't "exclusive" til now) and then "starting afresh". Hardly fair on me though - I'm pretty sure I would have dumped him there and then if I had been allowed an informed decision.It really hurt when he confessed 5 years later - still insistent he hadn't done anything wrong. Just something to think about. You sound as if you need to feel more secure and clear about what is happening. That's fine if that's what you need. I wouldn't make it about meeting his friends, if it were me, but about what sort of relationship you are actually in ie can you trust him and is he hiding anything, or anyone. I would be upfront though, not wheedling or passive aggressive. Good luck, I hope you either get the reassurance you need or if not move on to better things.

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