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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mummy friends...

37 replies

Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:07

Did anyone form proper, close friendships with mum friends from the baby/toddler years?
I get together in mum type groups and like the mums, but I don’t feel that real connection as I have had with friends in previous phases of my life..school, uni, work etc. It just makes me feel a bit lonely I suppose. It all feels very on the surface and convenient just for the kids and stage of life.
Does it change when the kids are at school? Perhaps it’s me, I don’t feel I’ve got my really close mum friends yet 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:23

Anyone...

OP posts:
SummerSazz · 21/04/2021 22:26

Yes. I have one very good friend I met in the maternity hospital, one from my antenatal group one v close (3 pretty close) friends I made at toddler group. They have been rock solid. I hope you find your people too 💕

NelliesWellies · 21/04/2021 22:34

I don’t have any “mum” friends - all of my friends are from school/uni days or work. Some of my friends have kids, some don’t. I will chat with the parents of my 5 year old’s friends but don’t go out of my way to see them or speak to them outside of our children’s social events or school pick up. I’ve not met anyone who has a child the same age as my 7 month old because of Covid and no baby groups running here, and we moved across the country when my eldest was 18 months old so no friends from when he was little either.

Would I change it? Not really... I’d rather have friends that I have more in common with than just the fact our children are the same age.

Pinktruffle · 21/04/2021 22:35

I have a 5 month old, I am trying to make mummy friends but failing miserably. At the baby group I take my LO to, they all seem to have come in twos with a friend, and don't really engage when I try to make friends.

I'm the only one of my friends who has a child so some of them are now distancing themselves so I'll be Billy no mates soon enough.

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 21/04/2021 22:36

I have lots of little groups of friends one of which is known as my mummy friends - there are 4 of us and we met at antenatal group 18 years ago and have been friends ever since - my daughter is best friends with one of the other girls from this group and they have been inseparable for nearly 18 years now.

Dee1975 · 21/04/2021 22:40

I understand where you are coming from op. I have a small group of mum friends. One of whom I am close with. We all get on well. But it’s not the same as my old school friends. Ones who I still cal my ‘best friends’. We don’t talk or see each other all the time. Don’t live that close. But with them I can completely be myself. With the mum friends I can’t completely let go. So I don’t think it’s unusual how you feel.
I think it does change a bit when they are at school though. You have more of a chance to see them ‘without’ the children. So you all get to k ow each other as X rather than childs mum.
And nights out become easier as kids get older, so again, you have a chance to be with your mum friends in a different way so hopefully you will feel closer then.

Original poster
Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:40

I just feel it’s all quite surface really and wondered if that’s the way it generally is. Whereas my friendships even from work years ago are still very close. I don’t ‘Have’ to have mum friends, I just thought it would be lovely to have as we’re all going through the same life stage. We’re chatty, a couple have been to mine for play dates, we meet up in pairs or bigger groups but it’s just quite surface/polite, if that makes sense.
Does it happen more when they start school perhaps

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deedsnotwords11 · 21/04/2021 22:40

Just jumping in to say try the apps - I used peanut and mush and met some friends there. Also see if there is a '(your area) mums' Facebook group and look for baby groups where you have the opportunity to chat. Baby sensory was great but it was at a more playgroup style coffee and cake group where I met friends.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 21/04/2021 22:44

I was fortunate that one of my close friends from my college days had a baby a year before I did, she is my closest mum friend. All the friends I made from toddler groups etc remained fairly superficial and now my dds older I never see them.

Original poster
Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:44

@Dee1975 That’s completely it, perhaps it is because we’re obviously always with our kids and talking about them. Even at work, with workmates we’d have lunch and coffee together etc and it’s how I met a few of my closest friends. With these friends, I can’t imagine talking about anything personal really, like our relationships or family, I don’t actually know that much about them in some ways. I suppose with kids around, we just don’t get that chance

OP posts:
Enough4me · 21/04/2021 22:45

I did, but then most of us moved/lost touch. I made new friends through school years. I have a school friend from my school years, two work friends and two friends from DCs school but none from baby years now DCs older. I see family more TBH.

Original poster
Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:46

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I do wonder if that will happen, if we’ll all just drift when some of the kids start different schools and so on, seems a bit sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomboombam · 21/04/2021 22:48

@Enough4me We live in another country away from family and I guess with the current situation and not seeing them I’m feeling it more. I’d most likely be around family the majority of the time if in the U.K.

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hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/04/2021 22:48

Yes I did! I probably have around 6 good friends I met when my kids were babies. But some of my closest, best friends are mums from my first child’s reception class. 8 years on, and a group of us are all still so very close.

SummerSazz · 21/04/2021 22:51

[quote Boomboombam]@Girliefriendlikespuppies I do wonder if that will happen, if we’ll all just drift when some of the kids start different schools and so on, seems a bit sad![/quote]
My playgroup friends became closer as kids went to different schools. The one who I'm very close with admittedly did have dc at the same school but the other 3 we meet at least monthly for drinks abs we met 14 years ago so certainly much longevity. I forgot I also have 3 good friends (again one very close) who I met via the primary school. And this was with working 3 days a week. You soon move on from baby conversations after the kids are 1!

PineapplePrincess · 21/04/2021 22:52

I had two lovely mummy friends. They both had girls and I had a boy. We did loads together for the first 4-5 years of their lives - it was such a good support network and great fun too. Then they both went to a different school from my son and our friendship came to an abrupt end.

I see they still meet up regularly but without me. At the time I was pretty devastated, now I reluctantly accept it. The different schools mean they have different friendship groups and them having girls means different interests and focuses.

I just miss their friendship, as I thought we were friends because of more than just the kids. But obviously not.

I’ve not made any new mummy friends at my sons school (everything seems so cliquey), or with my younger son (Covid has had an impact here); and with recent experience I’m reluctant to try again.

Wearywithteens · 21/04/2021 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/04/2021 22:53

I did. But we didn’t talk kids. We used the time to talk about anything BUT babies - it’s gets rather dull and competitive and I avoided those types like the plague!

MaizeBlouse · 21/04/2021 22:55

I think it takes time OP. How old is your LO?

I was a relatively young mum with DS1 (26) living in London where most other mums were mid to late 30s, none of my uni friends had babies at that point.
After a month or 2 of going to playgroup I did find a group of mum friend and I got pretty good at asking for numbers and keeping in touch. It felt like dating again!! 4 yrs later and i have loads of close mum friends but I've definitely had to make my community. It takes a bit of effort and opening up, I'm quite an outgoing person so this came easily to me.

DungeonKeeper · 21/04/2021 22:59

I have a lovely group of mum friends from my DC’s school. Never really made any friends from toddler group. As a pp said it felt as if people went there with a friend so didn’t need to meet anyone else.

I feel really lucky with the mum friends I have, we became friends through the children really and regularly socialise (without the DC!). I did feel incredibly lonely when mine were toddlers though.

Mhc19 · 21/04/2021 23:01

I'm the same. The baby groups are all spaced out, we aren't allowed to enter early or stay to chat after classes so it's hard to talk to mums to get to know then. A couple of acquaintances have kids and I meet with them every so often but they all have proper friends with babies of a similar age so it's not the same. I'm back to work soon so I doubt I'll make any in the meantime

Cipot · 21/04/2021 23:04

I made one good friend but the rest were very surface. A combination of not having the same values, interests, or intellect I think. I feel better being back at work and have made better friends there.

someoneiou · 21/04/2021 23:08

The vast majority of my friends these days are my mummy friends. I'm SAHM and all of my mum friends are too, so we see each other all the time- school gates, play ground, birthday parties etc. And we socialise away from the kids too with dinners out or drinks at the pub (Covid notwithstanding).

justasking111 · 21/04/2021 23:14

From age 4 to 20 the children mums made friends, there are 8 of us left now. We're planning a lunch once it's legal. The children are still friends and see each other when they're home from university. Been a bit tough this year

petalblossom · 22/04/2021 08:36

I didn't really get to know anyone until DC started school. There is an app where you can connect with other mums in your area. That may help you find people with children of a similar age