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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended that MIL said

64 replies

brunettebarette · 21/04/2021 16:43

she would object at our wedding? This has been said twice in front of me and I thought it a bit hurtful. For what it's worth I've always been as polite and well-mannered as I can and have never done wrong to DH so I can't see that it's anything to do with me. Future DH said it's a joke and that I'm sensitive. The first time she said it's because he's her son. Would you be offended by this or am I really overreacting? I'm too polite to say anything other than to future DH.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 21/04/2021 18:42

What is she normally like around you? In our early days my MIL used to say that I had stolen her son as she couldn’t cope with the idea her baby boy had become an adult and didn’t need her in the same way. Luckily over the years she has learned to accept it, but it was difficult in those early years.

If she had said that she was going to say that at our wedding, she wouldn’t have been joking.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/04/2021 18:43

You've a couple of ways to deal with her.
You can say "Why would you object?" or "What are you objecting to exactly?"
or
You could say "Well, it's probably a good thing that we're actually going to elope and you won't be there".

SelkieIntegrated · 21/04/2021 18:45

Agree with the others who suggest keeping it jovial

''what makes you think you'll be at our wedding?'' wink wink ha ha

Runkle · 21/04/2021 18:50

Nip this in the bud now and ask your DP to deal with his mother's comments. You don't want a husband that won't stand by you.

DontBeRidiculous · 21/04/2021 18:55

If she's not hostile toward you and her own son tells you she's joking, I'd assume she has a strange sense of humour. It doesn't sound like she means it or intends to offend. She just has a different sense of humour. Joking back, or if you can't manage that, merely laughing, shaking your head, etc. is probably your safest bet.

Original poster
brunettebarette · 21/04/2021 19:23

Not horrible but not mates either. Odd little things here and there such as when we went away to a hotel she commented that he treats his girlfriend but not his mum, or when he gave me his PIN to buy petrol and she commented that he never gave her his PIN before. And other things like saying she wants all her children to live nearby. So maybe it's a letting go thing?

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 21/04/2021 19:26

I would be very tempted to make a barbed remark, but I think I would go with 'Really? That would be embarrassing!' and leave it at that.

Cam2020 · 21/04/2021 19:27

I'd just laugh along but be wary. Is she generally over-involved in her son's life or very vocal? Having lived with that I'd be wary to ever go through thst again.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2021 19:27

So maybe it's a letting go thing?

No, it's a "she's an obnoxious, inappropriate bitch" thing.

Think long and hard before marrying into this shit.

WrapUpWarm2021 · 21/04/2021 19:30

She sounds unpleasant.

frazzledasarock · 21/04/2021 19:30

She sounds a little bit possessive of her son.

Out of interest what exactly is she going to object to at your wedding?
You don’t get to say I object cos she stealing my son away from me the caaaaah.
It’s got to be a legal objection, like he’s already married/they’re siblings. something that means you cannot legally get married.

Move far far away from her.

SaturdayRocks · 21/04/2021 19:38

Yes, it’s clearly her having a little joke.

Except, as everyone knows, jokes are funny. Jokes make people laugh.

When you say something as a means of expressing hostility, there’s a different word in the English language for that. It’s called being unkind.

She - and your DH2B can call it a joke all they want. You’re free to see it exactly as it is. And to tell him so, too.

TopTabby · 21/04/2021 19:44

Oh no, a possessive future MIL!
Have a good think about the future because it sounds like she's going to be point scoring with you for a long long time.
Your dp's reaction is key here, does he agree she's out of order or attempt to put her straight? If he just makes excuses you're in for a tough time & I'd seriously think about ending it as she wants it all about her.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/04/2021 19:51

She’s not letting go very well

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/04/2021 19:58

It sounds like a joke (as in she has no intention to actually object at your wedding, not in the sense of it being hilarious) that she’s making because she’s having a hard time accepting her dc is an adult with a separate life and the reality of the wedding coming up is scaring her a bit.

I think it’s a poor comment for her to have made in front of you and shows she has very poor boundaries as well as a less than ideal attitude towards her child. But you also seem to be reading too much into it.

The critical thing here from your perspective is your fiancé’s reaction - if he’s kind to his mum but holds his boundaries well then I think you can relax about it, you’re unlikely to be good friends with her, but your marriage won’t be threatened. If your fiancé gives in to the digs then you probably need to rethink the wedding. If he’s cutting/nasty back to her when she says things like this then maybe think about how he is generally when people are a little challenging and whether that sits with what you want to be married to, but it may be justified if it’s constant/he’s tried gentler approaches first/etc.

diddl · 21/04/2021 20:01

Is he her only son?

Trouble with the joke about being sure she's invited-she'll probably say that of course her son will invite her or how horrible to say such a thing when she was only making a joke.

ShurImGrand123 · 21/04/2021 20:04

Oh dear, I’d be seriously reviewing your relationship, if I were you OP.

She’s annoyed that you’ve displaced her and she’s no longer in full control of one of her sons. But the fact that he didn’t pull her up on it when she said it, is a huge Red flag for me. He’s quite happy for the pair of you to be fighting over him as if he’s a great catch.

If he’s making excuses and hasn’t got your back at this point in your relationship, when you should both be looking forward to being married and starting your new life together, don’t expect him to change in the future because he won’t do.

You can be as polite and well mannered as you like but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll be happy together in this threesome.

notacooldad · 21/04/2021 20:06

Sounds like a fairly standard cliche joke that is often said.
Would Ibe offended if a future MIL said that to me?
Would I hell as like! I'd be joking straight back and having a laugh.
Do I think you are being over sensitive. Of course I do. In fact I would go further but l keep that thought to myself.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 21/04/2021 20:26

When we got married we were actually in danger of MIL 2 B actually doing this, so checked with the vicar what would happen if she did. He said he would stop the service and call the police, then if she couldn't justify interrupting the service with a legal reason for doing so, she'd be arrested. This actually gave us a bit of relief, particularly as her husband was a local bobby!! As it was, the vicar barely paused having asked if anyone knew of any just impediment, etc, and carried on, thereby not really even giving her the chance to open her mouth.

So if she says it again, you might say 'oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, you know you'd get arrested, right?

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 20:46

Op with your further disclosures about the pin and stuff, I would also be closely thinking about your dp reaction.

I've had a similar Mil and many on here have, our relationship has been driven near breaking point and that's with an on side dh but incredible pushy in laws and mad point scoring jealous Mil...

Be very very careful...

XiCi · 21/04/2021 20:50

I get the impression from your posts that you haven't been with 'future DH' very long. Maybe she thinks youre a bit full on too fast and is letting you know

Original poster
brunettebarette · 21/04/2021 20:59

@xici We’ve been together 5 years if that makes any difference!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2021 22:23

Where do you live in relation to your future mil? Is she thinking you are keeping him away? Are your family local?

Either way, if he does not have your back now he never will. Think carefully if that's the case. (And if you do live local to her move... very far-away!)

LexMitior · 21/04/2021 22:53

She's either a dimwit, rude or both. But you need to whip her back with a "you'll have to be invited".

All the other stuff sounds possessive and not a little odd. I assume she doesn't really like her own man too much and is all eyes on her boy. That is never great news for the woman getting married.

saraclara · 21/04/2021 23:23

This is a classic example of MNers knowing exactly what she meant and what's behind it, when actually no-one has a clue if that's the case.

Everything about this phrase depends entirely on her tone of voice, her facial expression and what's gone before it.

I can imagine it being absolutely a joke. in fact it's hard to imagine it any other way.
"What? he's given you his PIN? When he never trusted me with it Grin.Can't be having that. I'm going to object when I get the chance in your marriage service! Grin Grin Grin"

But no. 90% of people believe with complete certainty that she's being an evil cow. And she's not even an actual MIL yet.

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