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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not living with someone before marriage is usually a bad idea

30 replies

RosieGuacamosie · 21/04/2021 09:49

Having been in the minefield of OLD for the best part of 3 years I’m an avid reader of the MN relationship board and I keep seeing the advice by several posters “don’t move in with him until he proposes” as a way to avoid being strung along by a man who doesn’t want to commit.

AIBU to think this is shit advice?

I just think I’d definitely want to live with someone before deciding to marry them to check they weren’t a lazy arse around the house, and I also think people’s true colours often come out when you are around them for long periods of time.

Also, I can’t help thinking that I’d want a guy to propose because he loved me and wanted to start a family, not just so he could move in, but maybe I’m wrong?

OP posts:
steppemum · 21/04/2021 09:54

well, I find it a very odd piece of advice.
It sounds as if you don't know the other person very well at all.

I didn't live with dh before we married, that was due to our faith. But I know him well, I knew his habits and behaviours. We spent a lot of time together, so I could see if he was a lazy git, and that he cooked well.

and I agree, I would want someone to propose because they loved me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2021 09:57

Don’t have kids with him / don’t give up your job to SAHP would be better advice!

I would also say don’t live in a property they own and you don’t and pay them rent, as imo it creates an unequal relationship. Either own together or rent together, I would say.

I thought living together before marriage would mean I went into marriage with my eyes open, but I still ended up divorced! So can probably go wrong either way.

user1493413286 · 21/04/2021 09:57

I’ve never seen that advice but I agree it’s rubbish. I also think it’s risky to buy with someone before living with them; I totally get why people do it from a financial point of view but I don’t think you really know someone until you live with them so making big commitments like buying a house or getting married is risky.

Yogatomorrow · 21/04/2021 10:01

I don't know a single couple who didn't live together before getting married. That advice seems very old-fashioned. Couples move in together at a certain point due to finances and practicalities.

In fact as a sign of how things have changed, me and dh are the rare few who got married before children. If someone were to wait for a proposal, they may be waiting for a long time!

crumbsnamechange · 21/04/2021 10:02

If you have to 'game' someone into committing to you, then it's not the right relationship anyway, and I would expect problems further down the line.

Bells3032 · 21/04/2021 10:04

I moved in with no DH when we were engaged. We had planned not to until we were married but due to having to have major surgery and my flatmate moving out six months before our wedding it seemed redic to keep running two homes (i didn't pay him rent either). No one in my family lived together before marriage - all in long, very happy marriages.

Sadly you see too many people who move in together and then the proposal never happens because...what's the point. I do agree that i want a man to propose because he loves me (and believe me i have no doubt my DH does) but often i see people living together or in very long term relationships getting married because its just the next step or because they think it'll fix them being unhappy together. So it can go either way.

I would say this regardless of if you live together or not before agreeing to marry them - spend a lot of time together both alone and with their friends and family. See them in every situation. Understand how the react when things don't go right.

Saying that my parents got married after less than four months of knowing each other and were together 32 years until death did them part. so eh

VictoriaLudorum · 21/04/2021 10:07

My mother used to say "you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first."

GladAllOver · 21/04/2021 10:08

Also, I can’t help thinking that I’d want a guy to propose because he loved me and wanted to start a family, not just so he could move in, but maybe I’m wrong?
Why do we still have this crap about waiting for the man to propose? If marriage is an issue then you simply discuss it, so that both parties know where they stand.

80sMum · 21/04/2021 10:08

I didn't live with my DH before I married him, but that didn't mean that I didn't already know that he was a "lazy arse", incapable of keeping anything tidy for more than 5 minutes.

I went in with my eyes open, so to speak. Perhaps I might have naively mused that he might become more tidy as we both grew up (we were 18 and 20 when we got engaged) but time has proved that I was wrong!

Yogatomorrow · 21/04/2021 10:14

My mother used to say "you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first."

What about "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Grin

AmyLou100 · 21/04/2021 10:14

Don’t have kids with him / don’t give up your job to SAHP would be better advice!

Agree. It's your responsibility to ensure that you are not putting yourself into a vulnerable position.

But I do think you should live with someone beforehand. Gives you true insight into how they really are.

Original poster
RosieGuacamosie · 21/04/2021 10:16

@GladAllOver

Also, I can’t help thinking that I’d want a guy to propose because he loved me and wanted to start a family, not just so he could move in, but maybe I’m wrong? Why do we still have this crap about waiting for the man to propose? If marriage is an issue then you simply discuss it, so that both parties know where they stand.
This is a fair point. I have a new boyfriend and I hope I’ve made it clear that I want to be married in the future and would be expecting a proposal after 2-3 years.
OP posts:
UnconsideredTrifles · 21/04/2021 10:17

It worked for us (like pp, a faith-based decision), but we had travelled together, spent every evening together etc so we knew each other really well. Actually, a pivotal moment was when we were staying in a hostel together and he just collected up all the laundry and put a wash on, without any fuss or heroics - so it is worth seeing how the person handles every day domestic stuff before marriage!

Jimdandy · 21/04/2021 10:17

Living together isn’t the problem I don’t think it think it’s having the kids before marriage if it’s important to you to get married. (Not because I’m a traditionalist, just to protect yourself).

If marriage was really important to me I wouldn’t have a baby and certainly wouldn’t be giving it his last name without marriage. My logic is if they can’t commit to marriage then how can they commit to a baby?

Plus the financials if I wanted to reduce my work hours etc

Original poster
RosieGuacamosie · 21/04/2021 10:19

@Jimdandy

Living together isn’t the problem I don’t think it think it’s having the kids before marriage if it’s important to you to get married. (Not because I’m a traditionalist, just to protect yourself).

If marriage was really important to me I wouldn’t have a baby and certainly wouldn’t be giving it his last name without marriage. My logic is if they can’t commit to marriage then how can they commit to a baby?

Plus the financials if I wanted to reduce my work hours etc

I agree with this completely and I’ve made it very clear there will be no children before marriage.
OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/04/2021 10:19

The advice on here is pretty batshit about 50% of the time so it’s tricky for people to see what is good advice and what isn’t

I once posted about my boyfriend coming to live with me in my flat I owned and what was a fair split of rent / bills. I got answers ranging from “he’s clearly a cocklodger who’s only with you to live somewhere cheaply” to “you’re clearly only with him to make money from charging him rent”. People even suggested that I immediately add him to my mortgage and sign over half the ownership to him. I was about 25 and we split a year later so I’m bloody glad I did not take the advice offered!

Angrypregnantlady · 21/04/2021 10:21

Living with someone is one of the biggest challenges to a relationship. Committing to someone before that challenge is insanity.

CounsellorTroi · 21/04/2021 10:21

DH and I didn’t live together before getting married. We got engaged four months after we started dating (though I’d known him socially before then, not as if he was a stranger off the internet) and married a year after that. This was the late 80s and plenty of people did still do things the traditional way then. Nobody thought we were rushing into anything! Luckily things worked out and we have been happily married for 31 years.

RaeRaeMama · 21/04/2021 10:26

@RosieGuacamosie

Having been in the minefield of OLD for the best part of 3 years I’m an avid reader of the MN relationship board and I keep seeing the advice by several posters “don’t move in with him until he proposes” as a way to avoid being strung along by a man who doesn’t want to commit.

AIBU to think this is shit advice?

I just think I’d definitely want to live with someone before deciding to marry them to check they weren’t a lazy arse around the house, and I also think people’s true colours often come out when you are around them for long periods of time.

Also, I can’t help thinking that I’d want a guy to propose because he loved me and wanted to start a family, not just so he could move in, but maybe I’m wrong?

I've been with my partner for six years, we moved in together after 2.5 years (we lived in a caravan in my parents garden to save for a house) bought our house three years in and decided to have a baby 5 years in.

I think buying a car, a house and having a baby together are of a lot more value than marriage nowadays.

Personally, I would live together first to be sure you jel right but if marriage is really important to you, then get married before having a baby. My baby is 2 months and I can already see that the expense and time she takes up will delay marriage for us.

I lived with a boyfriend when I was younger, we'd been together over a year. Thank god I moved in with him and realised how rubbish he was. A slob, crap with bills.. he was more like a bad room mate than a partner. I am not the kind of woman to do everything for a man so yeah... live together first.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 21/04/2021 10:32

I didn't live with my husband before marriage. We had been together for five years by then... But we're living at opposite ends of the country for work.
We moved abroad together two and half weeks after the wedding.

11 years on... Happily married. Two children. Onto our seventh home in three countries. And adjusting to him weekly commuting.

Hopdathelf · 21/04/2021 10:38

Glad marrying before living together has worked out for some people. I think for most people it’s worth a ‘trial run’ before the commitment and possible expense of a wedding.

If I was being honest I would probably also caution against marrying unless you’ve also seen the other person in a difficult situation and vice versa and know you can live with it. I think that’s why lockdown has put paid to a lot of relationships but strengthened others.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 21/04/2021 10:42

The problem with viewing living together as a trial run is that it's easy to just stay in the relationship once you're in it, and keep on heading towards marriage etc even if it's not really a sensible move. It takes a lot more courage to break up a live in relationship than one where you're living apart.

LindaEllen · 21/04/2021 10:47

I've not had very many partners in my life, but the few I've had, things have ALWAYS changed after we've moved in together. My partner that I'm with now it changed in a positive way, we became like best friends who live together and have sex, and that's still the case years down the line. With others, though, it's when you find out who they really are, whether you really match, and what he's like round the house (i.e. messy, noisy, annoying habits etc).

I know it's 'traditional' not to move in with someone before you're married, but honestly, I think that's just silly. Divorces are stressful and expensive. Just trial it and see if you like living with each other first!

LouNatics · 21/04/2021 10:51

Thinking through all of my closest family and friends who are long term couples or have children, only two couples are married out of a sample size of about twenty couples, and within one of those both partners are on their second marriage so clearly know it doesn’t always work out.

So it’s outdated advice in my circle for sure.

Dollywilde · 21/04/2021 10:51

I’m not a traditionalist by any means but I do think that the classic order makes a lot of sense (date - travel - move in to rented - get engaged - buy a property - get married - enjoy a bit of time together - have kids). Travel before moving in, you see how someone handles themselves in small doses. Rent together even just for a short time, it’s a nightmare selling a property when splitting up. Get engaged before committing to a house purchase, a signal of intent. Definitely marry before kids if it’s important to you - I know tonnes of people who got engaged before a baby and years later can’t justify spending lots of money on the wedding they want (or at least that’s the official line - in almost all cases I think the guy loses interest in it once they have the kids as what’s the point?)

Actually, it’s suddenly occurred to me that of the 10 couples I know who had kids before marriage, only one has actually made it down the aisle (paid for with an inheritance from a parent who passed away), and all of these are couples with school age children. Sobering.