To think not living with someone before marriage is usually a bad idea

[RosieGuacamosie]

Having been in the minefield of OLD for the best part of 3 years I’m an avid reader of the MN relationship board and I keep seeing the advice by several posters “don’t move in with him until he proposes” as a way to avoid being strung along by a man who doesn’t want to commit.

AIBU to think this is shit advice?

I just think I’d definitely want to live with someone before deciding to marry them to check they weren’t a lazy arse around the house, and I also think people’s true colours often come out when you are around them for long periods of time.

Also, I can’t help thinking that I’d want a guy to propose because he loved me and wanted to start a family, not just so he could move in, but maybe I’m wrong?

Like some of the pp, dh and I didn't live together until we got married. We'd been together 4 and a half years, had spent loads of time together so he knew fine that I was the one that would leave the place in a mess (that was long ago!! ) and I knew all his cooking involved frying!

We chose not to live together because of our faith and it hasn't been a problem, 26 years, 3 almost grown up dc later we're still happily married.

Why do we still have this crap about waiting for the man to propose? If marriage is an issue then you simply discuss it, so that both parties know where they stand.

who said romance was dead

Personally I don't think you need to have lived with someone to know them well enough to know if you want to marry them. You can live with someone for years and not really know them; you can get to know someone without living with them.

Similarly I think concerns about sexual compatibility are misplaced - if you want to sleep with someone, go ahead, but don't do it on the grounds that you need to 'road test' him.

If two people love each other and are committed to making things work, the kind of teething problems that might be thrown up by moving in, or any sexual incompatibilities can be worked on and resolved, in my opinion.

There is a risk that if you are living together and sleeping together, as most couples do, the man won't see the need for marriage.

There is a definite risk if you have children outside of marriage that you could be left on the back foot if the relationship ends.

There is also a risk that once you've made the moving in commitment, you drift into marriage without properly considering it.

Neither of these mean it can't work to live together before marriage but you should do so with your eyes wide open.

And the data from' psychology today' says....
They found that living together before marriage was associated with lower odds of divorce in the first year of marriage, but increased odds of divorce in all other years tested, and this finding held across decades of data.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201811/living-together-marriage-may-raise-risk-divorce#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20living%20together,held%20across%20decades%20of%20data.

Cohabitation is all fun and games until you're back on online forums 5-7 years from now asking complete strangers why 'hE sTilL hAsN't pRoPoDeD' or 'hE wOn't sEt a dAtE', 'hE sAys hE's nOt sUre abOut gEtTing maRriEd nOw'. Meanwhile you've wasted years playing wife to a man who wasn't even your husband in the first place and he can also change his mind about marrying you in particular (not marriage itself) if he doesn't like YOUR daily habits despite you accepting his.

Too many couples cohabitate before they've even discussed marriage or kids. Then after 2+ years of paying rent to a landlord/paying his mortgage and/or 1-2 kid later and buying a house together you're now getting rightfully resentful because you realise you no longer have leverage and he won't take your 'HiNt' for progression. Meanwhile you've given him all the power to jilt and walk off to the next girl. Too many women sell themselves short and find themselves barefoot, broke and pregnant by men who aren't even their husbands because of cohabitation.

Best advice I've gotten - give him 1 year to propose and once engaged you can stay with him during the week at his place (so he can't just trick you into cohabitating by giving up and moving into your place) and don't wait more than 6 months if you want a memorable wedding OR just elope within 3 months and plan the wedding later. -DO NOT change your address, share bills, buy a house together until the marriage license is signed and most importantly DO NOT have a baby just because you're engaged.