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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay in a sexless marriage?

47 replies

Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 08:02

It matters doesn’t it? I feel like I’m second guessing myself and I’m not a youngster anymore, late 30s, two dc.
Last time we had sex was six years ago. I know because it was when dc2 was conceived and that’s been six years more or less exactly. Since then I don’t think we’ve even kissed. Time has just carried on and carried on. The only time we’ve ever had a more frequent sex life was when trying for the dc.
DH seems happy enough and doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, I don’t feel that level of intimacy and I feel like we are living very separate lives. He tells me he loves me all the time and how happy he is but I don’t see how.
It feels so selfish to break up over sex, I tried to talk to my friend about it and she said all marriages / LTR wane over time and at least I’m in a stable home with no arguing etc and sex doesn’t matter anymore. In fact most of my friends tell me how they spend a lot of time trying to avoid sex with their respective partners.
Yet I feel it matters, but does it matter as much as my dc being happy?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 21/04/2021 08:06

Of course it matters if it matters to you. What others think is irrelevant. You don’t have to live in a sexless marriage if it’s making you miserable.

And 30s isn’t old at all. At all. You have years and years of an active sex life ahead of you, good health permitting!

I think you have to have a proper heart to heart with your dh and see where you can go from here, not just about the sex but the whole future for you both.

StormcloakNord · 21/04/2021 08:08

I can't imagine not having any intimacy in my marriage. What on Earth would be the point?

You're not old, and you absolutely can and should leave a marriage over a lack of sex. Especially seeing as he sounds completely uninterested in even talking about it with you and addressing the issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 08:10

They're not mutually exclusive. It's a myth. Your dc can be happy and you can have a proper relationship with someone else.
I'd go as far as to say my dc are happier after our divorce. Plus I'm modelling to them, that my happiness (and this theirs when they're mothers) count too.

Yaty · 21/04/2021 08:10

Yes of course it matters. I think relationships do ebb and flow with how often couples have sex (depending on life, stress, health, pregnancy, young children etc). But 6 years is excessive! Have you spoken to your partner about it, what do they think?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 08:11

Also, if your partner won't talk to you about it, then there's two problems in your marriage, not just one - sex and communication.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 08:12

Scratch that, 3 problems. Sex, communication and selfishness on his part to not care about your feelings and wants above his own.

MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 08:12

Of course it matters
I wouldn't put up with this

Orgasmagorical · 21/04/2021 08:12

It's not just the lack of sex, it's the fact he won't talk about it. He tells you he's happy and that he loves you but he doesn't love you enough to care how you feel.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 21/04/2021 08:13

Of course yanbu. It seems a completely legitimate deal breaker to me. You don't have to stay in a relationship just because the other person loves you.

Original poster
Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 08:14

I don’t really understand why it’s not an issue for him. I don’t feel comfortable to talk about it either though. Last time I spoke with him about it was about three years ago and he became really full on and put pressure on me to have sex RIGHT THEN and I just couldn’t - to go from nothing to suddenly being put under pressure when he was angry to have sex didn’t feel right.
It’s put me off saying anything else.

OP posts:
Estasala · 21/04/2021 08:19

Could you suggest seeing a counsellor? If you previously had good intimacy it might be possible to get that back.

Do you ever get a break without the kids? Do you do any hobbies or activities together?

Original poster
Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 08:22

We’ve never had good intimacy. Ever.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 08:25

@Stitchandapples

I don’t really understand why it’s not an issue for him. I don’t feel comfortable to talk about it either though. Last time I spoke with him about it was about three years ago and he became really full on and put pressure on me to have sex RIGHT THEN and I just couldn’t - to go from nothing to suddenly being put under pressure when he was angry to have sex didn’t feel right. It’s put me off saying anything else.
So it's not just a sexless marriage is it? You're scared of talking to him and he got angry when you did. That isn't good.
havecourage · 21/04/2021 08:29

This was me, turns out he was interested in sex. He was addicted to porn, I found out when I checked his phone and laptop, I never would have suspected throughout our 12 year relationship. He was unable to talk about the lack of intimacy. I always felt how could he have sex if he is unable to even talk about it. Counseling is worth a try. Good luck

Holly60 · 21/04/2021 08:31

I would suggest you sit down with him, explain how strongly you are feeling about it, and see if he will agree to counselling, such as relate. I can’t speak for your husband, but I think for you, one approach that might work would be building up the intimacy again in non-sexual ways to start and then gradually getting to the point when you are ready for sex. A bit like when you start a new relationship.

Pinkyavocado · 21/04/2021 08:33

If it matters to you then it matters. Some couples will be happy to stay on a sexless marriage, some won’t. For some people it’s an important part of the relationship, for others it’s not.

If you’re not happy and he doesn’t want to discuss it then it’s time to part ways.

MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 08:34

@Stitchandapples

We’ve never had good intimacy. Ever.
Ok, so this was probably kind of inevitable What do you want to happen?
Holly60 · 21/04/2021 08:35

I think having read your previous posts, if you want to fix things you are definitely going to have to start from the beginning, as it were. Imagine you are both in a completely new relationship and build intimacy from the beginning. Your DH is going to have to want the same and be committed to it too, so you are going to have to have an honest discussion to see if he want to work on things too.

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2021 08:40

A lot of women find that in their 30's/early 40's they have the best sex of their lives because of confidence and knowing what they want. Of course sex matters, as does flirtation and closeness. You've got to decide what's right for you and your DH should be interested in your needs. This is often laughed at on here, but it sounds as though you need to start dating/courting each other again.

Soozikinzi · 21/04/2021 08:44

Have you thought about relate ? Although If your sex life was never good it does seem unlikely that it will ever be right between you .

Hotcuppatea · 21/04/2021 08:46

I couldn't tolerate that either OP. You deserve better Flowers

Original poster
Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 08:53

I’m not convinced we ever had it to begin with. We’ve been together 20 years and during that time we’ve often gone years without sex, even at the start.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 21/04/2021 08:53

There are several issues from your posts OP. Not just lack of sex. Yanbu to want to leave. It's probably not a good idea to ask friends as they will all tell you what they think based on their own experiences.
Maybe you could see a counsellor to figure it out?
Does your DH often get angry if he feels challenged?

MegaClutterSlut · 21/04/2021 08:54

6 years Shock You need a Frank and honest chat with your dh no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Be clear but firm he either tries to get help to improve it or thats it. Your only in your 30s, you could live another lifetime yet! Your pretty much living as friends at this point which is sad

FloconDeNeige · 21/04/2021 08:55

It sounds like you need external help, OP. Even if you get him to open up and communicate, you said yourself that you can’t just ‘switch it on’ as it were, so you’ll hit a roadblock immediately and be back at square one, only both of you more frustrated.

Also, I think that losing intimacy due to the pressures of having a young family, work, little time etc. is quite a different beast to never really having had it in the first place.

These issues combined make me think that seeing a professional specialised in this area, is the way forward. If your DH is hesitant, tell him the depth of your feelings on the matter - i.e. you’re considering ending the marriage over it.

Act now before it festers further and goes beyond the point of no return for you.

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