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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay in a sexless marriage?

47 replies

Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 08:02

It matters doesn’t it? I feel like I’m second guessing myself and I’m not a youngster anymore, late 30s, two dc.
Last time we had sex was six years ago. I know because it was when dc2 was conceived and that’s been six years more or less exactly. Since then I don’t think we’ve even kissed. Time has just carried on and carried on. The only time we’ve ever had a more frequent sex life was when trying for the dc.
DH seems happy enough and doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, I don’t feel that level of intimacy and I feel like we are living very separate lives. He tells me he loves me all the time and how happy he is but I don’t see how.
It feels so selfish to break up over sex, I tried to talk to my friend about it and she said all marriages / LTR wane over time and at least I’m in a stable home with no arguing etc and sex doesn’t matter anymore. In fact most of my friends tell me how they spend a lot of time trying to avoid sex with their respective partners.
Yet I feel it matters, but does it matter as much as my dc being happy?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 21/04/2021 08:58

It does matter; we have two young DC and we don’t do it as much as we used to but that’s more lack of opportunities and exhaustion. We both still want to and that carries me through the slower times. I would find it incredibly hard to be in a sexless marriage and if I’m completely honest then I’d think I’d start feeling interest in other people. I wouldn’t ever cheat but that part of me wouldn’t just go away. For that reason I don’t think I could stay in a sexless marriage.

Peridot1 · 21/04/2021 09:04

It definitely matters. I’m you 20 years on. Still married. One child at uni. I regret staying. Like you it wasn’t great even early on. I should never have married him or had a child with him.

We get on ok day to day. But that’s all. I can’t even hug him now. I can’t even bring myself to touch him. Definitely don’t love him.

Original poster

Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 10:42

It’s hard because I don’t dislike him and I love my family. It’s our home. It’s our lives.
I want to be able to shrug my shoulders and say it’s enough and part of me feels it should be enough, but I’m worried it isn’t and I’m worried in another 10 years from now I’m still going to be in the same situation.

OP posts:

An0n0n0n · 21/04/2021 10:51

I'd maybe see a counsellor alone to talk it out and find out what you want.

If deep down you don't want to be with him sexually ever again then there isn't much point in raising it with him from a 'let's try to have more sex' angle.

It's ok to say you don't know what you want but that this isn't it and you want to be free to find it. You can't expect yourself to sleepwalk though life.

My partner went off sex for a long time and after a lot of talking I decided to finish it if we couldn't sort it out. It lit a fire under him to come to counselling and we sorted out the underlying issues so it can be resolved and it is ok to say enough is enough x

mcmooberry · 21/04/2021 11:03

I would think it's likely that you will be in this same situation in 10 years. I would advise that you get yourself in a financial position where you can support a household by yourself. It seems unlikely that you will ever see him in a sexual light again and it also appears that he had a low sex drive to start with. I know it is horrible to think of being on your own and splitting time with the children and financially worse off, but if you don't want to continue just as friends then I would advise making plans to go.

SquatBetty · 21/04/2021 11:09

Hi @Stitchandapples, there's a thread on the divorce/separation board called AIBU to ask about your separation stories.

There's several posters on there inc. myself who are going through very similar problems as yourself at the moment. Come on over and we can all give each other advice

Pyewackect · 21/04/2021 11:14

In fact most of my friends tell me how they spend a lot of time trying to avoid sex with their respective partners.

....... so if sex matters so much, as many have posted , should all there guys pull the plug too ?

MazekeenSmith · 21/04/2021 11:21

@Pyewackect

In fact most of my friends tell me how they spend a lot of time trying to avoid sex with their respective partners.

....... so if sex matters so much, as many have posted , should all there guys pull the plug too ?

Weird comment

dotdashdashdash · 21/04/2021 12:43

If it matters to you then it matters!

I personally could live with never having sex again but if DH couldn't then I wouldn't blame him for wanting to end the relationship.

If your DH just has a really low sex drive, or is possibly asexual, then you need to choose whether to stay in the sexless marriage or to leave and only you can decide which is more important - choosing sex is not a bad choice if it is a integral part of who you are as a person!

MsTSwift · 21/04/2021 12:45

Why did you marry him if sex was rubbish from the start?!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2021 14:01

@Pyewackect

In fact most of my friends tell me how they spend a lot of time trying to avoid sex with their respective partners.

....... so if sex matters so much, as many have posted , should all there guys pull the plug too ?

Probably yes.

emeraldcity2000 · 21/04/2021 14:10

Interesting one... why did you feel happy to marry and have children if this was ongoing from the early days? I guess from his perspective nothing has really changed and yoU made some major long term commitments accepting this as okay... so why is it an issue now?

Original poster

Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 14:27

I was young, we married really fast, I had very little prior experience, I was encouraged to by my family, I had low self-esteem. I thought it would be ok.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 21/04/2021 14:45

Last time I spoke with him about it was about three years ago and he became really full on and put pressure on me to have sex RIGHT THEN and I just couldn’t - to go from nothing to suddenly being put under pressure when he was angry to have sex didn’t feel right. It’s put me off saying anything else.

This is very concerning.

How is he in general with you?

It’s hard because I don’t dislike him and I love my family. It’s our home. It’s our lives. I want to be able to shrug my shoulders and say it’s enough and part of me feels it should be enough, but I’m worried it isn’t and I’m worried in another 10 years from now I’m still going to be in the same situation.

You more than likely will, unless he moves on to someone else. Look up sunk cost fallacy.

I do think having some counselling for yourself would be a good start

HaggisBurger · 21/04/2021 14:49

It very much matters. I have ended my marriage and the lack of sex was very much a part of it though not the only issue at all. I’m annoyed I let it go on for as long as I did - I wish I’d left in my late 30s. You are still a youngster and a lot of life left to live and enjoy including physical intimacy.

Original poster

Stitchandapples · 21/04/2021 15:39

He’s ok with me in general, we are quite separate but then he works 8.30-5.30 I suppose and I work four days as well.
I think he loves me and the dc but I feel a bit like we are objects to be collected sometimes, the house, the car, the job, the younger wife and kids.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 21/04/2021 17:59

I think he loves me

It doesn't sound like it when he reacted the way he did when you not unreasonably brought up how you were feeling with the lack of your sex life. You said you were put off saying anything else about that, are you ever reluctant to bring up other things in case he reacts badly?

From your posts I get the impression that at the moment you're settling for what you know, it's reasonably comfortable and it does take huge courage to make changes when things aren't that awful. But those changes can be so SO worth it and you might even see that things were quite a lot worse than you realised when you were in the midst of it. Even if you ended the relationship and were on your own, you wouldn't have any of this second guessing, wondering why it's not an issue for him, could you be happier, etc, you would be able to concentrate on yourself and your children. They will see your relationship as how it's meant to be, do you want that for them?

I really think a course of counselling would do you the power of good, build up your esteem a wee bit, maybe even give you a bit of spark back. If you don't want to make any changes after that, that's fine, but speaking over it all with someone who can help you unravel what's on your mind can only be a good thing

Trustynickname · 21/04/2021 18:43

Wowwww six years is a really long time, don't think I've gone over 6 days in 10 years lol! Seriously though, I personally think sex is important and it's not just sex in most cases its the intimacy that it involves, I don't think I could continue a relationship with no intimacy. Seems a bit selfish on your OHs side tbh, if you feel like it is important, which I don't bloody blame you!

I know it can be an awkward thing to talk about, especially when your oh dismisses it, but I would express how serious you are about this and talk it through asap!

Good luck x

Tal45 · 21/04/2021 18:44

Do you think he might be asexual? Or, as you say you feel like objects collected could he be gay but wanting to present as straight and his whole life is just a front?

ChristmasAlone · 21/04/2021 18:53

I know people joke about DHs getting it on Birthdays and at Christmas because in reality frequency does go down as you get older. We 9 years in are once maybe twice a week, sometimes nothing for 3 4 weeks, we did once go 8 months but that was health issues on my side and I was very appreciative DP didn't push as I think if it was the other way round I'd have been less than tolerant. A few weeks yeah I can live with that. We kiss, cuddle and show affection. I couldn't be in a Relationship with nothing for 6 years.

Isthatabat · 21/04/2021 19:05

I’d say the problem isn’t so much the lack of sex as the lack of any intimacy at all and the fact he refuses to discuss it. Time for an ultimatum.

emeraldcity2000 · 22/04/2021 14:09

@Stitchandapples

I was young, we married really fast, I had very little prior experience, I was encouraged to by my family, I had low self-esteem. I thought it would be ok.

Difficult op. Maybe the issue isn't really sex and is more that he just wasn't / isn't the one for you. Would you be happy if he suddenly wanted more sex? Would that fix it?

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