Are some couples more in love than others?

[LeopardSheet]

I love my husband, I’ve never doubted I’m in love with him and we have a great relationship (don’t fight much, best friends, good sex life, make eachother laugh, want to grow old together) but we are fairly low key about it. We don’t do public displays of affection or write deep declarations of love in birthday cards/Facebook statuses etc. A lot of my friends are similar with their partners-very happy together but if you spend time with them they just seem like 2 friends together mostly.
Then there is the occasional couple that are so obviously in love you can see it when you spend time with them-they can’t keep their hands off each other even after years, you can tell by the way they look at each other or they write gushing Facebook posts, refer to eachother as soulmates etc.

Do you think that this is just a personality thing (some people are more expressive than others) or do you think these couples have found a connection/deeper love than average, standard but still in love couples. And the rest of us don’t know what we’re missing because the love we have is still amazing and we’ve never experienced this “higher” level?

I ran into an old friend recently with her “new” husband of 6 years and I was quite surprised by the chemistry between them/the obvious love was like a cheesy movie. Apparently it was love at first sight when they met too. I looked up this friend on Facebook and her profile was full of gushing messages and photos of her husband.
When I knew her years ago she was married (and I knew her with her university boyfriend before that) and she was always quite a private,low key person not the type to be dramatic/romantic and never did public displays of affection with her partner.
In case this sounds negative I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all, it’s lovely to see people in love.
Does anyone else see couples that seem to be more crazily in love than other (happy, also in love) couples? Do you think these people are just very lucky and actually are more in love or are they just more public/expressive about their love and their feelings for eachother are the same as couples that are more quiet/less romantic with eachother but still happy?

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years. He’s absolutely my soulmate and we are quite affectionate. But absolutely nothing on social media (DH has no social media except for Twitter which he uses for work. He doesn’t even follow me the weirdo). I think if I posted gushing stuff about him on FB DH would wonder who had kidnapped his wife and replaced her with a completely different human being. But we are quite cheesy in private.

@mermaidsariel

Often the people who gush about their love and their perfect relationship are the ones who end up divorced in the end. The quiet ones who get in with it often have hidden depths. Also many relationships which are fiery and passionate at first seem to burn out quickly.

This 100%. I’ve seen it many times over.

I wouldn’t consider gushing Facebook posts or ott public displays of affection to be indicative of a deep love, and actually I think it’s often the very opposite. The more gushing the post, the more effusive the posts on Valentine’s Day etc, the less secure and stable the relationship, from what I’ve seen.

I agree with the pp and actually think it's the opposite, that very romantic, demonstrative relationships tend to mask a lot of insecurity, and often the insecurity is for a reason.

The one thing I’ve learned about relationships is that you just never really know. Nothing surprises me anymore. Any couple can fall out of love and split up. Nobody is immune, regardless of their “love language”.

My DH is the first man with whom I made public displays of affection.
I would still often link his arm or hold his hand walking. We kiss in public too, although more peck then snog these days.
He is much more tactile then me and at the start I did cringe but was mad about him so went along with it. Now it's a normal part of our relationship and if he goes out without kissing me goodbye I notice and dislike it.
In my defense I have never written a gushing facebook post in my life and we were married a few years before I changed my status to in a relationship
I do know a couple who I would think are like your describing, no Facebook posts, but you can see them light up in each other's company and they genuinely would prefer to be at home together then go to parties separately.
In the earlier days of my relationship I did wonder if they had a "purer" love and if the love I felt wasn't as strong because I quite like nights out/trips away with my friends and don't actually miss him desperately for short periods of time.
But I realised it's just personality, I would hate to want to be with someone all the time and if my DH wanted to stay in with me all the time instead of going out with his own friends instead of feeling loved and cherished I'd feel smothered and claustrophobic.
So I think what we are seeing is other people just as in love and happy as we are just in a different way.

I have a Facebook friend (ex work colleague) who posts at least once a week about how amazing her husband is and they are soulmates and he's so gorgeous and fabulous so on. I find it utterly mortifying. She's 15 years younger than him and his second wife/family so I wonder sometimes if she's reassuring herself a bit. I don't know. That's just how they do their relationship I suppose.

I find the relentless slagging of husbands and partners that some people do pretty mortifying too. A current work colleague is always going on about how useless her bloke is. I feel really sorry for him. He cannae do right for doing wrong.

I always just thought it was a personality thing it just struck me as odd when I saw this friend with her new husband as I’ve known her to be in happy long term loving relationships before and this seemed like a different spark/energy between them

Do you know what happened in her previous relationships? She might have been left feeling very unhappy/vulnerable. Expeirences change us.

Ignore the Facebook stuff it's performative bollocks.

Lots of couples are more affectionate / seem to get on better in public not sure why.

You don't know what people are like in private.

Your relationship sounds really good.

And yes some couples are more in love than others/ or the same but not in the same way iyswim.

I just can't imagine loving anybody like this or bring loved back though I'm a hopeless romantic all the same.

The ones that gush on Facebook gush about their pets snd kids too so I think it's a personality thing!

@sammylady37

I wouldn’t consider gushing Facebook posts or ott public displays of affection to be indicative of a deep love, and actually I think it’s often the very opposite. The more gushing the post, the more effusive the posts on Valentine’s Day etc, the less secure and stable the relationship, from what I’ve seen.

Totally agree.

@Popfan

I personally feel those who feel the need to gush about their love for their partner all over facebook etc are in less stable relationships than those who are quietly content with their spouse!

Yep. DH and I and I privately think a relationship is doomed as soon as the couple start gushing on about being each other’s soulmate. Sadly, we haven’t been wrong yet. And they are always horrendously awful break ups.

Some couples are definitely more in love than others. Some of the ones who are less in love will probably split up, but others won't.

I'm more in love with my wife than I had ever been with anyone before, and I realised that quite early in the relationship. We're very affectionate at home but not so much in public (although homophobia probably plays a role in that).

A family member does long, gushing Facebook posts about her boyfriend. But she's posted like that about every boyfriend she's had, including one she cheated on, one who was violent, etc. Facebook doesn't tell the whole story.

My friend's parents have been very much in love all their married life. They had a son they disowned for no discernable reason - he didn't do anything wrong just wasn't who they wanted him to be. They weren't happy with his career choice so they dropped him from their lives. I asked my friend and she seemed unaware of how uncaring she came across about her brother.

Their daughter (my friend) had a similar relationship with her partner until one day she changed her mind about him - they disagreed on something relatively minor and that was it. He was devastated to be dropped so quickly and without any warning.

It seemed very much all or nothing with her and her parents. I feel like everyone around them doesn't really matter that much to them. I always thought my friend models relationships on her parents relationship. She has clear expectations of how her relationships should be and it mirrors that of her parents. Her parents seem off in their own world, always together and totally engrossed in themselves. She seems more of an afterthought.

I find our friendship is much more intense when she is single. She has no time for me when she's in a relationship.

I feel like couples who are really cheesy and don’t leave each other side etc are trying to make up for something that isn’t there. Don’t get me wrong I know some people are quite clingy and cuddly and kissy as it’s their personality but from what I have seen the couples that have their space and aren’t all over each other tend to last longer! Of course this is just my opinion don’t shoot me!

DH and I are very much in love, but PDAs and facebook declarations are really not our thing. We might hold hands when out now and again but there is nothing that would make me write a gushy status about him (or vice versa). Everyone is different.

Yep. DH and I and I privately think a relationship is doomed as soon as the couple start gushing on about being each other’s soulmate. Sadly, we haven’t been wrong yet. And they are always horrendously awful break ups

@MangoSeason

It’s the modern equivalent of the curse of hello magazine

Why the Facebook focus?

I'm madly in love with DH but don't feel the need to plaster it all over social media.

Some couples you can see are genuinely deeply in love, and it shows instantly.

Others in my experience are doing it just for the cameras, the more gushing it becomes in my experience the bigger the problems are in the marriage. A divorce always seems to follow the most gushing cheesy couple in my experience and loved up weekends are usually last ditch attempts at saving the marriage.

Those that are deeply in love do not need to be public about it. It is plain for all to (quietly) see.

It can be all of it.
Some couples are very public because of their personality. Some gush because they can't help it and some do because they want attention. The gushy ones are not necessarily more in love than anyone else.

But of course people are different levels of in love. People get married for different reasons (companionship, kids, financies, friendship, religion etc.) that don't require passionate love. People can be very happy with their choise one one could even argue that very few of us find that passionate love in a marriage companion because there are so many aspects that make a good partner.

Your friends example on how she used to be low key. We see this quite often. Someone doesn't want marriage and/or kids so a couple breaks up and then within a year or two are married with a kid on the way. They met the person they wanted to do that with. It doesnt mean there was anyhting wrong with the previous relationship. They just wanted different things in that specific relationship. Most people have to settle a bit (not in a bad way. But the odds of everything clicking is rare and there are many people that you can truly be happy with) but some might find the unicorn.

The Facebook thing is so cheesy. I would never write one of those gushy soulmate posts.

I think mostly it’s how secure you are as a couple; I don’t need to reassure him with a sentimental post on Facebook when we’re completely solid. He never writes anything like that about me either but we adore each other

Well of course some couples love eachother more than others..that's obvious isn't it??

Then there is the occasional couple that are so obviously in love you can see it when you spend time with them-they can’t keep their hands off each other even after years, you can tell by the way they look at each other or they write gushing Facebook posts, refer to eachother as soulmates etc

I wouldn’t read too much into public touchy feely body language and gushing FB posts, these are usually to try and convince others they’re in love. A sort of one upmanship. Love at first sight is usually lust or chemistry IMO. People who make a show of being in love in public often do it because they have an audience.

I think the couples who adore each other the most are the ones who feel no need to remind others of it.

Also watch them dancing at a party or event; those who dance well together and can follow each other’s movements are often in love (in my experience). Even if they don’t dance often.

I think a healthy, passionate relationship involves conflict and communication and resolution of arguments. So I wouldn’t judge love by how often a couple argue or show anger. No or few arguments makes me think lack of passion, or fear of exposing your true feelings or authentic self. That’s when I think love strays into friendship territory.

And there’s nothing wrong with being best friends, who avoid conflict and care about each other. But I wouldn’t call it being in love. You can love a friend but I think ‘being in love’ is a different state (often short lived but sometimes not) where one or both partners hold the other on a pedestal, want to have sex a lot and crave time alone as a couple.

I’m not saying people in love have fiery rows and passionate make up sex a lot, but I think they do communicate a lot more openly than friends.

I think it is mostly personality. I will never be a gushy romantic gesture person. It just isn't who I am. I could probably keep it up for a while, but the real me would out in the end.

I think there are two different aspects. I think there are those who need to gush on FB because they’re actually insecure in their relationship. There are those who also gush on FB because that’s what they do, which is a personality thing.

An example of the latter is my MIL and her sister. From my point of view, it’s clear they both love their husbands. You can see it when they look at their husbands. Both husbands have some challenging personality traits, so they must be madly in love to put up with those. MIL’s sister is a gushy FB poster. I don’t think this relationship will fail, it’s just who she is. She is the same with her kids. Her kids achievements are hers. Her identity is strongly linked to living wife and mother. So she puts a lot of gushing posts out about her husband and kids. MIL might do a happy anniversary post or a simple post about having a nice weekend with FIL. She might also put a post about having a nice weekend with her kids. She loves her husband and kids the same as her sister but she doesn’t need to share that with everyone. I think my MIL’s identity isn’t just ‘loving wife and mother’.