To want dd to focus on her baby and not him?

[werel]

I've nced for this as this could potentially be outing.

My dd (17) has been with this boy (18) for 2 years on and off. I've never really liked him because of he has no manners and he doesn't seem like a good person. Last year she found out she was pregnant, this 'boy' was not supportive at all and told her he didn't care about the stupid 'thing' and told her to have an abortion or their relationship would be over (so basically making her choose between baby and him). Dd chose to keep the baby and I supported her. They then got back together as he apologised to dd and said he was just scared of how his mates and family would react.

A few weeks after that he broke up with dd again and got a new girlfriend and basically rubbing it in dds face on social media saying I love this girl so much etc (I know this as dd was quite upset). His girlfriend then said something that apparently upset him so he broke up with her.

He then messaged dd and apologised to her etc, I told dd not to give him any more chances because of how he treated her. They then got together in January after being friends for a month as dd said she can trust him. They've been together since and dd gave birth a few weeks ago and she's trying her best to be a good mum but to be honest he hasn't done much to help out. He stayed here last night (as he doesn't live with us) and dd got up early with grandson and her boyfriend was still asleep and he doesn't work either.

Aibu to want her to focus on baby and not not boy?any advice will be appreciated

Yanbu but there's not a lot you can do. You could refuse to have him stay over but that could cause a rift. I think all you can do is be supportive and make sure she knows you're there for her no matter what.

Young foolish love. You can’t do anything, she won’t listen and needs to learn the hard way, which is by herself.

I would be throwing in comments if doesn’t she think he should be doing 50% of the parenting and jobs ect as he is also the parent and all responsibility shouldn’t lay just on her....so that when she does eventually get a new boyfriend and has kids with him atleast she will choose someone who pulls his weight as a decent parent!

Shes a teen mum. Most of them want the happy ever after with the daddy of their baby even if the mans an arse.

Thank you for your replies. I think I've only ever seen him hold grandson once and that was when dd gave grandson to him. I just can't believe how lazy he's being and I know he could be at his etc but dd has only been to his once or twice and he's been here quite a few times.

Well I mean you could make subtle comments eg “ aw he’s such a lovely wee baby, isn’t he x?” , “ I think he’s crying for his daddy x”, “ fancy getting a Muslim over x” . With x being the boyfriends name. If your daughter doesn’t hear him answer positively she’ll soon wise up.

@LouiseTrees

Well I mean you could make subtle comments eg “ aw he’s such a lovely wee baby, isn’t he x?” , “ I think he’s crying for his daddy x”, “ fancy getting a Muslim over x” . With x being the boyfriends name. If your daughter doesn’t hear him answer positively she’ll soon wise up.

What?

Muslin maybe??

@LouiseTrees did you mean muslin?!

@LouiseTrees

Well I mean you could make subtle comments eg “ aw he’s such a lovely wee baby, isn’t he x?” , “ I think he’s crying for his daddy x”, “ fancy getting a Muslim over x” . With x being the boyfriends name. If your daughter doesn’t hear him answer positively she’ll soon wise up.

That was a hilarious typo............(I'm assuming it was a typo anyway :p )

It's not really a surprise that an 18 year old is a co.pletely useless partner and father. Have your daughter's friends actually stuck around? Realising that he's a complete weight around her neck might be helped along by friends, as it just sounds better coming from friends at that age.

Support her, your grandson, make it clear what her dad did to be a good dad. Keep at it. She will hopefully set her sights higher. But a part of her might be quite scared. Not many teens will have the emotional capacity to be or date a parent so maybe she's hoping he'll somehow grow up. Please impress upon her that won't happen for wanting.

Of course you’re not unreasonable

But hardly surprise of the century that a 17 year old is not the most committed mother on the planet.
She is essentially growing up
Whilst almost a mum

If I were you - I’d just accept that I was going to play a big part in ensuring the welfare and care for the baby at least initially. And relish and enjoy it. Your first grandchild

Autocorrect typo! Yes I did type muslin ie a baby cloth not a member of a specific religion!

I think you have to kill him with kindness.

@lassy1945

Where does it say that the mother is not committed?

Sorry should be clear

Committed to focusing on baby rather than wasting effort on him.

There is little to be done to force an 18 year old boy to get involved, especially the mother of an ex / girlfriend

Op better focussing on dd and baby and forgetting him

He may come around eventually

Well, this all sounds magnificently Jeremy Kyle.

Your daughter is 17 with a newborn, so presumably ~16 when she got pregnant.

Now, unsurprisingly, 18-yr-old Father of the Year has decided he isn't interested, and yet you still let them them spend the night together.

Are you in a rush for a lot of grandkids close together?

Just be there for her and the baby. She will work it out soon enough that he adds nothing to either of their lives.

Don’t continually point his failures out to her she will just blame you instead of the situation she is in.

Been there, done that (I was the daughter)

YANBU but she will think YABU if you interfere in her relationship. Sounds like you’re wonderfully supportive to DD and DGC so carry on and DD will get the measure of her useless BF before long. Teens make a lot of mistakes in love.

TBH even if I didn’t have a cat this is worrying. Imagine the rules they probably have about washing being hung out or bins being collected. Not to mention the necessity of having your front door a particular shade or the grass trimmed to the right length.

He’s never going to step up and be a good dad or partner. He’s shown this from his behaviour towards your daughter during the pregnancy. Unfortunately this is probably really hard for your daughter to understand and accept. I don’t blame her for wanting to try and hang on to the fairytale happy family dream. I think all you can do is be as patient and supportive as possible while she figures it out on her own.

@LadyJaye

Well, this all sounds magnificently Jeremy Kyle.

Your daughter is 17 with a newborn, so presumably ~16 when she got pregnant.

Now, unsurprisingly, 18-yr-old Father of the Year has decided he isn't interested, and yet you still let them them spend the night together.

Are you in a rush for a lot of grandkids close together?

No I let him stay as I thought he'd help dd out with grandson etc

@Atalune

I think you have to kill him with kindness.

I think you have to kill him

YANBU. What does his parents think of all this? Have they spoken to him about making changes?

I learned with mine DD's that its actually OK to voice your disapproval of a boyfriend. It cuts out any crap, and I'd happily say that if she wants a relationship with him that's fine, but it won't be under your roof.

I'd also suggest that even though she's under your roof that you're not too invovled in baby. She made the choice to do this, and you're helping her by carrying the load. She's making some pretty poor life decisions here, and she needs to be the one who suffers the impact of them. Easier said than done, I know.

@Wolfiefan

TBH even if I didn’t have a cat this is worrying. Imagine the rules they probably have about washing being hung out or bins being collected. Not to mention the necessity of having your front door a particular shade or the grass trimmed to the right length.

Wrong thread 😁🤣