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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

17 and 20 are very different

59 replies

Swordfish1 · 19/04/2021 10:55

What would you think if a 27 year old man started dating a 17 year old (with quite severe health issues and considered vulnerable) girl.

So essentially she is still at school.
Its apparently no different than if she was 20 or 21. But I think it is quite a bit different.

I know the age gap is only 10 years and lots of relationships have large age gaps. But for me 17 and 27 is a lot different to say 30 and 40.
AIBU to be a bit concerned here?
For a little more context, she is a 'young' 17, very lovely and politie girl but comes over quite naive.
He is unemployed since quite a while, living with mother, does occasional drugs, is in debt and is into watching and sharing porn.

OP posts:

Greygreenblue · 19/04/2021 11:45

It fails the half your age plus 7 test. According to that he should not be dating anyone under 20. where as if they were 30 and 40 it would not be icky and pass the half your age plus 7 test (she’d need to be over 27 in that instance).
I find it works in almost every situation, if it feels a bit icky they probably are not passing said test. If it is a large age gap but still seems ok to you, they’re probably older and it makes more sense/passes the test.

If I knew her parents I would work his age into the conversation. Just to be sure they knew. Not that there is a lot you can do when your child makes questionable dating choices.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 19/04/2021 11:47

@Greygreenblue

It fails the half your age plus 7 test. According to that he should not be dating anyone under 20. where as if they were 30 and 40 it would not be icky and pass the half your age plus 7 test (she’d need to be over 27 in that instance). I find it works in almost every situation, if it feels a bit icky they probably are not passing said test. If it is a large age gap but still seems ok to you, they’re probably older and it makes more sense/passes the test.

If I knew her parents I would work his age into the conversation. Just to be sure they knew. Not that there is a lot you can do when your child makes questionable dating choices.

I’m not sure that the half your age plus seven rule is at all appropriate for children under 18

Angrypregnantlady · 19/04/2021 11:48

The unemployed and drug user would be my issue, no matter anyone's age.

I do think you change alot in 17-20. I was 18 when I met my DH who was 40. I think my family would consider me immature/naive because I didn't go out, get drunk, mess about with a load of lads and stuff.
But I was sensible and independent, at uni, he was a hard worker, decent man. It did me a world of good and kept me focused on work and achieving rather than getting pissed at student nights. I saved, I worked hard, paid for my driving lessons, bought a car, then we bought a house. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I'd been dating some 18yo joker.

All relationships are unique, most fail, all for different reasons, some are abusive, for different reasons. I don't think you can judge the success of a relationship on people's ages.

But I wouldn't want anyone I care about about date an unemployed druggie, no matter anyone's ages, they're not going to lift you up are they?

babbaloushka · 19/04/2021 11:52

I just can't imagine in what situation a normal 30 year old would be interested in a minor.

Inaquandry19 · 19/04/2021 11:54

When I was 16/17 I dated a 25 year old man. He mentally and physically abused me, then stalked me. I was not 'vulnerable' but very naive for my age. I would not like this one bit.

Dontcallmewifey · 19/04/2021 11:56

I think there are bigger problems with him than just his age.

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 12:02

Swordfish: He is unemployed since quite a while, living with mother, does occasional drugs, is in debt and is into watching and sharing porn.
......
Dreadful! They would be red flags regardless of his age.

I imagine he is one of those lazy, unmotivated, rather thick chaps with tattoos, that used to appear on Jeremy Kyle. He probably doesn't give your daughter's age a second thought.

Do all you can to discourage this relationship without going in hard. Try to get her to mix with younger people and be interested in other things.

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 12:06

I don’t think there is a massive difference between 17 and 20, I’d be just as concerned for a 20 year vulnerable person being in such a relationship.

x2boys · 19/04/2021 12:16

I suppose it depends on the people involved ,sadly my sil passed away suddenly six years ago leaving three children a daughter of 18 and two sons of nine and two ,her daughter got full residency of both boys ,whilst she was 18 she was only four months past her 18th birthday.

cherryblossom999 · 19/04/2021 12:22

I think it would depend very much on the people involved. I met my future husband at 17 with a 5 year age gap. However, I was a very independent and mature 17 and he wasn't a 22 year old with a drug habit and no prospects. On the face of it the age gap is not a problem but any woman wanting to be in a relationship with this particular man could probably do with some advice. If she won't see it though nothing you can do.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 19/04/2021 12:41

When I was 16 I had a relationship with a 25 year old man who was overly keen on the idea that I had only very recently lost my virginity.

Ugh, what a creep.

B33Fr33 · 19/04/2021 12:49

Definitely wouldn't fly. I do agree with above the half age plus 7 is a great rule of thumb.

GrasswillbeGreener · 19/04/2021 12:56

I've an 18.5 daughter just finishing school (who's independently organised a gap year placement then uni) and I'd also be quite concerned about that sort of age gap at this point. Without all the other red flags.

Whatever your relationship with the girl concerned, I hope you can help bolster her support systems and self-esteem so she can extricate herself.

Sandgrown1970 · 19/04/2021 12:56

I don’t think half your age plus 7 is all that great to be honest!

At 37 I wouldn’t have anything romantic or sexual to do with either a 25 year old or 67 year old. Either prospect seems a bit dire.

Anyway this bloke sounds disgusting but the OP, being on the fringes can’t do much.

Graphista · 19/04/2021 13:03

I'd think paedo in disguise! I know not literally but that's what I'd think! Certainly a predatory creep!

Very wrong and I'd be alerting authorities and her parents. Unless you are the parent?

Her parents seem fine with it, but I'm wondering if they know how actually old he really is, and of his dubious background.

I'd be making sure her parents knew regardless of whether it was supposedly my business or not.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 13:06

I'd be against it too.

LadyJaye · 19/04/2021 13:08

I was 18 when I met my DH who was 40.

Goodness.

wesowereonabreak · 19/04/2021 13:08

He is unemployed since quite a while, living with mother, does occasional drugs, is in debt and is into watching and sharing porn.

how do you know? Do you watch porn with him?

Anywya, he sounds like a catch, I would put my foot down if my daughter was trying to date such a loser, whatever the age.

LuaDipa · 19/04/2021 13:35

When I was 16 I became involved with a 21 y/o. I thought I was very grown up with my older boyfriend but when I look back I am appalled at my stupidity. He was controlling and immature and I think most woman of his own age wouldn’t have looked at him twice. My dm hated him, not actually because of his age, but because she could see him for what he was. It was one of the only times I really didn’t listen to her, which I am mortified about now as of course she was absolutely right.

I certainly wouldn’t be happy if my ds or dd was seeing someone that much older at such a young age, but I would tread very carefully.

Lelophants · 19/04/2021 13:37

It is incredibly different! Who said it's the same as her being 20?

user1636853246842157 · 19/04/2021 13:42

Regardless of posters who have Stockholm syndrome from their own abuse who always appear on threads like this to defend abusers, this is always abuse.

Abuse doesn't stop being abuse because the victim insists they're fine.

Irrespective of "context" about this specific 17 year old, he is an abusive predator. He would be for targeting any 17 year old child.

There is no excuse for it and it is never ok.

Volcanoexplorer · 19/04/2021 13:44

I know what exactly what you mean OP. I agree 17 and 27 does seem far worse than say 35 and 45. I think it’s because the 17 is still very young with limited experience and because of this could easily be taken advantage of by a more worldly 27. Ta also very odd that a 27 year old would want a relationship with a 17 year old. At 27 dh and I owned our home and we’re just about to get married. I’m also a secondary teacher so was teaching pupils only a year younger than girl here and I very much consider them children. One more year wouldn’t change my mind in that. They definitely not ready for a relationship with a 27 year old.

user1636853246842157 · 19/04/2021 13:47

I can't imagine what my life would be like if I'd been dating some 18yo joker.

Dunno, but at least your perspective might not have been so warped and twisted that you defend men who prey on children in order to normalise your own experiences.

MarcelinesMa · 19/04/2021 13:49

[quote Swordfish1]@TomHardyAndMe I'm glad that works out for you and good to see an example of what could work.
However the situation here is different like you say. She lives at home, is at school. She is unable to work fulltime due to health issues so she is 100% dependant on parents, and him, right now. And he has no savings, as far as I am aware as I know he is in debt. And does not even pay rent to his mother.
I am a friend of the mans mother in this scenario. She thinks the relationship is fine.[/quote]
I’m not surprised this man’s mother thinks the relationship he has with this very young sounding 17 year old is fine- the balance of power is heavily in her son's favour. As long as she thinks his behaviour and choices are “fine” she doesn’t have to question what he does. And honestly? At best he sounds like a total loser and at worst a walking red flag. I would be utterly horrified if one of my kids (boy or girl) got mixed up with someone like this bloke.

wesowereonabreak · 19/04/2021 13:50

@user1636853246842157

Regardless of posters who have Stockholm syndrome from their own abuse who always appear on threads like this to defend abusers, this is always abuse.

Abuse doesn't stop being abuse because the victim insists they're fine.

Irrespective of "context" about this specific 17 year old, he is an abusive predator. He would be for targeting any 17 year old child.

There is no excuse for it and it is never ok.

no need to go in over-drive with dramatic reactions, don't project your issues.

As always there's a context.

He sounds even more immature than she might be, still living with mummy and not even having a job. That would be the absolute no, the age wouldn't even come into it.

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