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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no bedtime stories as consequence for bad behaviour at bedtime?

73 replies

Hardbackwriter · 19/04/2021 09:18

Feel like I got this one wrong but not sure what was right so thought I'd ask for advice! DS1 (2y10m) has been quite difficult about bedtime for a while - he's fine about actually getting into bed and going to sleep at the end, but messes about, runs around/away etc during getting him into his PJs and toothbrushing. We say quite often 'if you keep doing that there will be no time for stories' quite often, which usually chivvies him along. Last night though he was particularly wild and when I used the 'no stories if you keep messing about' line he hit me, so I walked out of the room for a couple of minutes (which is always what we do for hitting - there was a phase a few months ago, which this fixed, and this was the first time he's done it since) but when I came back in he was still refusing to get undressed so I I said 'right, no stories tonight'. He was devastated, sobbed and sobbed saying 'but I love books!', which made me feel like a terrible person but I felt it was important to follow through. But he was so upset - he calmed down just before bed and we had usual cuddles but I could tell he was subdued, and this morning the first thing he said to me was 'I'm a bit sad' and when I asked why he said 'because you said I couldn't have stories' . I feel like if I hadn't followed through it would have taught him that I don't mean what I say, but on the other hand he was so sad about it, and denying a child stories feels so harsh! WIBU and what should I have done instead if so?

OP posts:

An0n0n0n · 19/04/2021 14:16

it was fine and he actually thought about it in the morning.

It's not up to you to make life happy, he has a role in it too and smacking you and getting a story isn't nice for everyone. You are there to demonstrate what unacceptable behaviour and if he did that to another child or sibling that wouldn't be ok. There's only so much bloody kind hands talk!

Snackz · 19/04/2021 19:43

@Hardbackwriter Was tonight any better?

Time2b33 · 19/04/2021 19:45

I've done this before and it nearly killed me as he was so upset but I've never had to remove bedtime story again as a punishment so it worked thankfully!

kittenkipping · 19/04/2021 19:53

I have always used bedtime stories and then later reading time loss as punishment. I felt that early on it cemented the idea that reading time was valuable and good, and that losing it was bad. They now love books and reading and see it as a genuine punishment to lose that. It is special and that's why it's an effective punishment. If you take away the iPad to punish you show children it is a high value item, same goes for reading/ story. At least that's how it's worked for me.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 19/04/2021 20:01

Haven't read the thread, but what about getting a timer and saying if you aren't dressed etc by the time the timer goes off, there won't be any time for bedtime stories?

Around that age mine became responsive to the ideas of time ticking down, and deadlines for getting stuff done. Then it's not you punishing him directly, it's the timer who is the "bad guy". Also i built time into the bedtime routine for a bit of messing around, turn stuff into a game - can you get dressed before x, or I'll race you up the stairs etc.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 19/04/2021 20:02

I never take away bedtime stories, no matter what they've done. I never want them to go to bed upset. I know what that felt like growing up.

rosiejaune · 19/04/2021 20:06

If your child is behaving in a challenging way, they need more connection, not less. It is totally counter-productive to remove a form of connection (which also supports development in multiple ways).

Read some of Alfie Kohn's work for a summary of research against the use of behaviourist parenting techniques.

HotPenguin · 19/04/2021 20:16

I also use this as a sanction, but I try to avoid removing stories altogether. I make them lose two minutes of their story rather than the whole thing (your son might be too young to understand minutes, but you could remove two pages). I also give chances to earn it back if they behave better for the rest of bedtime. Personally I feel children do need hard consequences at times and you do them no favours by not teaching them that actions have consequences. Also in the morning I would suggest you could have said "but tonight let's get ready really quickly and gave extra stories!". He may not realise that you've only removed the story once, not forever.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/04/2021 20:24

I think saying you've run out of time for stories is fine and it is true of there is a bedtime. You aren't saying no.goodnight kiss and no tucking in. It is a natural consequence .

Elieza · 19/04/2021 20:32

Sounds like you’re following through, a valuable lesson.

I agree with the others who think the emollient issues could be separated from bedtime in some way so naughty behaviour doesn’t happen right when someone’s supposed to be unwinding and getting sleepy.

Is the emollient cold? Could it be heated up somehow? Or could he be more involved, like choosing what bit gets done first etc so he feels more in control.

DontBeRidiculous · 19/04/2021 20:33

I don't think you were too harsh. It sounds like the consequences for his behaviour were quite effective, and maybe he'll remember and calm down, next time he's acting up and you remind him how sad he was to miss out on his stories. If you have to do it again and he complains of being sad, I'd tell him that you're sad, too, because you also enjoy story-time, but that in order for there to be time for stories, he can't ignore you when you tell him to get ready for bed.

Next time he's going wild, I'd try sitting at the bed with the book and tell him you're going to start reading without him if he doesn't hurry up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/04/2021 20:35

Bed time is really tricky I find, because there isnt much to take way, and you dont want to massively upset them as then they don't settle to sleep well and you've kind of defeated the point of not having a book. I dont know what the answer is other than maybe starting the bedtime routine earlier

Elieza · 19/04/2021 20:37

Could dad read him an extra story when he’s getting his emollient on to take his mind off it. Preferably just after tea and bath, and not right at bedtime. That way he has you both to himself and he gets an extra story.

SaucyHorse · 19/04/2021 20:38

I think it's fine. Is bedtime the only time he has stories? If so, you could add in another story time when there's no time pressure, e.g. immediately when you get home from nursery or right after lunch or something. Then he always gets some stories every day but the bedtime story can be cancelled if his messing around leads to running out of time.

Wellpark · 19/04/2021 20:40

Good for you. You followed through even though it was hard for you. You've taught him a good life lesson. That's being a loving parent.

INeedNewShoes · 19/04/2021 20:42

Bedtime stories are generally sacrosanct here too. It just feels like a very important time of the day and one that both DD and I benefit from just being 100% in each other's company with undivided attention and the peacefulness of sharing a story.

However, it is absolutely natural consequence that if bedtime descends into chaos that there is less time for stories. There is no other apt consequence.

DD has two stories every night so poor behaviour results in losing one of the 2 stories.

She's nearly 4y and I've never had cause to remove both stories. If I did, she'd be devastated! I'm not saying I wouldn't though but I think she'd have to have done something really naughty close to bedtime.

Pumperthepumper · 19/04/2021 20:44

Following through on a threat you made in the heat of the moment is rubbish, IMO. It’s absolutely fine to say ‘I shouldn’t have said that, it was a silly thing to say’.

I’m not a fan of punishments either. He’s very little and he’s had a huge life change recently, on top of a difficult year. So, to make bedtime more constructive, why not make a game of it? There’s loads of apps for toothbrushing and so on, I bet there’s something he could watch or play with while you put his cream on. You need to hold his attention so he doesn’t run off, not punish him for it after it’s happened.

And withdrawing books is a rubbish punishment anyway. Books are really important for his development and it’s a bit of alone time with his parent without his new brother. That’ll be a massive thing for him just now, give him a break.

Passthecake30 · 19/04/2021 20:45

I think if I was in that position I’d have read a really small one. I’d say we’d run out of time so that was the only option. My dd has pushed my buttons before and I’ve refused to sing a silly song (she’s 11!) and she’s been so gutted I felt awful, it’s just not nice having someone you love going to bed upset for something you can fix .

GreenSlide · 19/04/2021 20:46

Missing one story isn't going to harm his development. You've been threatening this consequence for a long time by the sounds of it so he now knows you'll follow through on it. I would say, try putting him to bed a bit earlier if you can. All that messing about at bedtime can mean an overtired child.

AntiSocialDistancer · 19/04/2021 20:47

I wouldn't read stories to a child who had just hit me. It was a bad behaviour and an instant consequence.

I wouldnt withold stories from misbehaviour earlier in the day or if it was larking about not putting pjs on.

It feels fair. In future if he settles down to sleep you could read one quiet story if he calmed down quickly enough.

Thatwentbadly · 19/04/2021 20:55

Have a read of the how to talk so little ones listen book, it has lots of ‘carrot’ ideas and good advice for when that just doesn’t work. I wouldn’t use no books as a punishment but I would say something like if you don’t get into your Pjs by the time we count to 10 then we will have run out of time for stories or alternatively start with if you get ready really fast we will have time for an extra story. He is not quite 3 yet so is still very little and you want to avoid making bedtime a battle.

As rule don’t threaten something you don’t want to carry out.

midnightstar66 · 19/04/2021 21:06

You explained a consequence then followed through that's the main thing . Hopefully he learned from it. Yes it's a shame to skip the story but if that's what motivates him at this time then so be it.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 19/04/2021 21:15

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda

My children have 2 stories as standard so I can take one away but they're not left with nothing. Never threatened removal of the second.

Great idea

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