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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About boyfriend's insensitivity ?

65 replies

Jaypreen · 18/04/2021 19:35

Hello all. I’ve been separated for about 18 months now from my partner of about 10 years. We have a 6 year old daughter who has taken it the separation as well as can be expected – but she does have moments where she gets a traumatic about the separation. Understandably she wants me and her dad to get back together again, which is highly unlikely.

About 2 months ago I met someone who I like, well – I’m sort of intrigued by more than anything. He’s not exactly my type physically, but he’s really nice, easy going and interesting. He knows all about my separation from my daughter’s father of course and how she’s still not completely excepting of the situation. Last night he came over for dinner and he met my daughter for the first time. They got along well. Thing is – as we were eating he asked me in front of her what the chances are of me and my ex getting back together again are?. I was aghast to be honest. I thought it was a really insensitive thing to say in front of her. She looked at me desperate look in her eye and stupidly I said “very unlikely” rather than just changing the subject. Needless to say my DD was upset by hearing me say this out loud although she’s asked me a million times the same question. She was upset when I put her to bed, she asked me about it about whether her dad feels the same way etc. I asked him to leave and I haven’t contacted him today. He’s been texting me. What should I say / do? Am I being unreasonable? Am I over dramatising?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 18/04/2021 20:10

Not so much insensitive as really fucking sinister Confused

Wearywithteens · 18/04/2021 20:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pupster21 · 18/04/2021 20:21

Why are you introducing a man you’ve been seeing for 2 months to your daughter who is traumatised by your separation from her Dad. YABU for that alone.

imalmostthere · 18/04/2021 20:23

The problem here is that your DD is struggling with your separation, and you've introduced a bloke you've only known two months. Its way too soon. Whether he said anything or not, really isn't the main issue here.

katy1213 · 18/04/2021 20:26

At best, he's thick as two planks - so for that reason, I'd wave him goodbye.

Sunshin388 · 18/04/2021 20:29

YABU. You clearly have terrible boundaries and parental instincts to introduce a bloke you are "intrigued by" after 2 months of dating. Stop dating for a while and work on your insecurities. Why do you feel so lonely that you feel you need to expose your 6 years old daughter to a strange man in her own home do soon?

KindChick · 18/04/2021 20:29

I do think it was insensitive to ask you in front of DD however it’s so easy to say the wrong thing and sometimes the more we try not to the more likely we are to say the wrong thing and that’s maybe what’s happened here. Also as you have been apart for 18months he maybe didn’t quite realise the significance of asking.
I would chat t through with him but definitely give him a chance.

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2021 20:32

Actually, I’m going to be blunt here, but I feel it’s you who is insensitive. You’ve been split eighteen months, your daughters still adjusting and you invite some random to meet her that you’ve only know a few weeks?

Yes he was insensitive but you’ve been way way more insensitive than him. She should not be meeting your boyfriends after a few weeks ans definitely not when she’s still adjusting.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 18/04/2021 20:32

@KindChick

I do think it was insensitive to ask you in front of DD however it’s so easy to say the wrong thing and sometimes the more we try not to the more likely we are to say the wrong thing and that’s maybe what’s happened here. Also as you have been apart for 18months he maybe didn’t quite realise the significance of asking. I would chat t through with him but definitely give him a chance.
Why would anybody ask a question like that in front of a child though?
Bluntness100 · 18/04/2021 20:33

Why would anybody ask a question like that in front of a child though?

Well since the op is inviting a bloke she’s known a few weeks to meet her child I’m guessing he thought the child was ok with it.

lunar1 · 18/04/2021 20:35

Why on earth are you bringing a complete random into your child's life after two months?

Still1nLove · 18/04/2021 20:38

I’d guess he was making a point to your dd. A massive 🚩

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2021 20:42

Op, if you wish to date, shag blokes, whatever that’s totally fine, but unless you want your daughter to meet a long line of boyfriends it is best to do it when you have child free time. Really a relationship should be very solid, as in a year or so down the line, and then introduced gently, going for a walk, meeting at the park, going for lunch together. Till she gets used to him. She’s very young to be seeing another man in her home, a stranger and it will be traumatic to her.

Both you and her father need to be sensitive here and not introduce people you barely know in this manner.

OliveToboogie · 18/04/2021 20:44

Seems you have a decision to make. Do you want to give him benefit of doubt he didn't mean to be so insensitive to your DD. You both are in the wrong here him for bing so stupid with his comment, you for inviting a virtual stranger to meet you DD who is obviously struggling with the break up. Talk to him. Ghosting is childish and unhelpful.

Wearywithteens · 18/04/2021 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout · 18/04/2021 20:45

@Still1nLove

I’d guess he was making a point to your dd. A massive 🚩
I agree to the above

And to the point that 2 months is far too early to introduce a new bloke to your DD.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2021 20:49

You have clearly seen how stupid and insensitive this man is. You have been warned. Dump and block.

Jumpers268 · 18/04/2021 20:51

I really struggled to vote on this one. YANBU to be upset with what he said, but YABU to have introduced him to her after 2 months. I'm not judging you though. I get it. I split with my ex 3 years ago and having been seeing a guy for 6 months so I do get it but in 2 months (or 6) you really don't know him.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2021 20:51

Red flag but 2 months is way too soon to have introduced him anyway

Dipi79 · 18/04/2021 20:55

YABVVVU to introduce your poor little girl to a man you are 'intruiged' by after 2 months. Insensitive and selfish on YOUR part, never mind what that stupid berk said in front of your child.

Honeyroar · 18/04/2021 20:59

It was an insensitive thing to say to you on your own, never mind in front of your little girl.

Laureline · 18/04/2021 21:07

He either stupid or manipulative.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/04/2021 21:26

He was insensitive. Bit of a prick. But you were worse to introduce them to each other so early on; particularly knowing how she feels. It’s you upon whom your DD relies, not your boyfriend.

Ebony999 · 18/04/2021 21:42

@Bluntness100

Actually, I’m going to be blunt here, but I feel it’s you who is insensitive. You’ve been split eighteen months, your daughters still adjusting and you invite some random to meet her that you’ve only know a few weeks?

Yes he was insensitive but you’ve been way way more insensitive than him. She should not be meeting your boyfriends after a few weeks ans definitely not when she’s still adjusting.

This. OP, you are entirely to blame for introducing your daughter to a man who you don’t even know. Poor child.
Allwokedup · 18/04/2021 21:44

2 months it’s way to early for him to meet your daughter. He’s a tool I can’t believe he asked that in front of your daughter!! I’d be so mad.

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