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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party or no party?

32 replies

MyNameForToday1980 · 18/04/2021 13:47

DD 4.5 has been invited to an outdoor party (COVID compliant) today.

Her behaviour yesterday was pretty shocking (mainly highly emotional, which is fine and I try to understand, but also pretty defiant and rude, refusing to listen, actively doing the opposite of what she's asked).

We made a deal with her that her behaviour had to be better today to go to the party (it's a leave behind party due to COVID so I need to know she's on decent form before leaving her).

Her behaviour has not been better. She's not listening, again being contrary, doing the opposite of what she's asked.

We've tried talking to her, to understand her feelings/if something's wrong.

We've explained our position in terms of treating each other kindly, listening to each other.

Her behaviour is often mildly challenging, but pretty standard for a 4.5 year old.

All her friends are going to the party.

It's the first party in over a year.

Do we stand strong and keep her home?

Or do we suck it up, she's 4.5 years old... Her behaviour has been rude/defiant - but not aggressive...she keeps begging for 'one more chance' which is sad, but I don't think we can teach her that moaning gets her what she wants...

Party starts at 3.30...

YABU - send her to the party
YANBU - keep her home, this is a learning opportunity

OP posts:
Janetheplain · 18/04/2021 13:49

Send her to the party, it’s not fair on the other child particularly with numbers being limited. Party bags etc will have been planned and I’m sure they’d be disappointed if you let them down last minute.

Original poster
MyNameForToday1980 · 18/04/2021 13:50

Good perspective @Janetheplain - I hadn't seen it from the perspective of the other parent/child.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 13:51

You've accepted the invitation, it's incredibly rude to involve other people in your parenting strategies. They're expecting your dd, get your learning opportunities elsewhere.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 13:52

@MyNameForToday1980

Good perspective *@Janetheplain* - I hadn't seen it from the perspective of the other parent/child.
Really? It's the other child's party Confused
UCOinanOCG · 18/04/2021 13:54

Her behaviour is probably her way of venting frustration with all the restrictions. Let her go and be free to spend time with her friends. You can work out strategies for dealing with any continued poor behaviour starting from tomorrow.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2021 13:57

I agree. Send her to the party, even thought her behaviour hasn't been great.

You will have an absolutely distraught 4 yo & they will remember missing the party & in no way will it incentivise them to behave better.

I know it's hard tho!

Also agree with other posters about it being unfair to the birthday child.

ShinyGreenElephant · 18/04/2021 13:59

You didn't think about the other child's perspective really? It's their party! Definitely send her

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 18/04/2021 14:00

It's been a hard year for kids. Can you try and catch her doing something really good (even if you have to manufacture this) and make a huge fuss about how good she was, what a good choice/kind act and tell her that kind of behaviour is worthy of attending a party. Everyone wins and you would probably just feel crap if she missed it altogether.

YellowGlasses · 18/04/2021 14:03

I agree with all the PP that it’s both rude and not the done thing to punish the birthday child because of your child’s behaviour. Remember that the birthday child can’t even have many at their party so it will be even more apparent and the parents will have spent money on food/party bag etc.

I think lots of children are a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Many have missed out on months of school (with the social interaction that brings) as well as seeing family and friends.

JM10 · 18/04/2021 14:05

I agree - send her because it's not fair on the birthday child, but give her another punishment if she needs one. Particularly as there will only be a small number of children invited anyway.

Popfan · 18/04/2021 14:06

Definitely send her. I had a party once for my son, limited numbers due to the event and a parent phoned to say her son wouldnt be coming due to his behaviour at home. I was immensely pissed off as it affected my son too who was really disappointed his friend wasn't coming.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/04/2021 14:06

She may be anxious about going to the party after months of being cooped up. This may be a reflection of her behavior.

BrieAndChilli · 18/04/2021 14:07

As much as I think bad behaviour needs to be dealt with I do also think this past year has been crazy and for children especially they have missed out so much - social interaction is so important at that age for learning how to behave and they have not had that, they haven’t been able to interact with others thier age and have been stuck at home.
Think how frustrated we all are about not being able to see friends etc and try and see it from a child’s point of view - they have even less control of the situation than we do.
I do think it’s expected that kids will have some issues and will need to relearn some behaviours

trilbydoll · 18/04/2021 14:07

Another vote for send her, you've accepted, she has to go. I can't stand flaky adults, and I'm sure as children they must have been taught it was okay to just not turn up!

Rumplestrumpet · 18/04/2021 14:09

Send her.

Endless punishment at that age is rarely effective anyway. As someone else said try to create a situation you can praise her for. She needs you to help her get out of the cycle of anger/frustration and punishment won't do this.

Spied · 18/04/2021 14:11

I think it sounds likes she's over excited at the prospect of this party and getting together with her friends.
I'd send her.

Original poster
MyNameForToday1980 · 18/04/2021 14:14

Normally, my first thought would be the birthday child/parent. Esp if numbers were limited.

But this is a group party, two birthday kids, whole class. It's an extension of something they all do together anyway (eg say they attend football club, this is a football party - same kids, different day).

DD is not one of the closest to either birthday children.

Also, leaving her behind when she's cross, defiant and uncooperative doesn't sound fair on the parents or organisers.

That's my quandary.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNameForToday1980 · 18/04/2021 14:17

Imagine if I left her behind and she was horrid for two hours... :-(

I'm somewhat worried about her, she's normally 'strong willed' but quite reasonable, she understands how to behave nicely. But she just SO emotional at the moment, which is unlike her.

OP posts:
Hopdathelf · 18/04/2021 14:17

Dreadful manners not to send her if you’ve accepted, whole class joint party or not.

Chamomileteaplease · 18/04/2021 14:19

Do you think there is more chance that she will behave herself with others? I hope so! Kids usually do don't they? If not, then I see your dilemma but would she really misbehave for other parents??

But I would never have chosen taking away a party as a punishment. Far too harsh.

Original poster
MyNameForToday1980 · 18/04/2021 14:23

@Chamomileteaplease yes, I hope her behaviour will improve in a group. It usually seems to. But she's so all over the shop, crying at the drop of a hat, shouting, raging...proper tantrums (she is absolutely not a tantrumy child).

Yeah, I regret using the party as a tool in this way... We were just at our wits end by the end of yesterday. No amount of talking, encouraging or reasoning was making a difference.

OP posts:
YellowGlasses · 18/04/2021 14:25

@MyNameForToday1980

Normally, my first thought would be the birthday child/parent. Esp if numbers were limited.

But this is a group party, two birthday kids, whole class. It's an extension of something they all do together anyway (eg say they attend football club, this is a football party - same kids, different day).

DD is not one of the closest to either birthday children.

Also, leaving her behind when she's cross, defiant and uncooperative doesn't sound fair on the parents or organisers.

That's my quandary.

It’s still very bad manners to not send your child because you are punishing them with such short notice. Don’t be that person. All the other parents will know and it will possibly affect your child being invited, therefore, included in things in the future.
BluebellsGreenbells · 18/04/2021 14:26

Also, leaving her behind when she's cross, defiant and uncooperative doesn't sound fair on the parents or organisers

That's my quandary

Then message the host and always DD isn’t herself and let me know if I need to collect her early.

Hopefully she’ll have a good time, wear herself out and have a decent nights sleep.

And you get a couple of hours peace.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/04/2021 14:27

I suspect that, even if she is still playing up for you when the party starts, @MyNameForToday1980, she will behave much better at the party. She knows how far she can push you, but won’t want to push other adults, who she doesn’t know as well.

It’s the street angel/house devil thing. It is infuriating when children act up at home, but are perfect cherubs in public, but it isn’t unusual.

whiteroseredrose · 18/04/2021 14:46

Take her. Tell the party child's parents that she's been a bit emotional and to give you a call if she's a problem. Then keep close and with your eyes on your phone!

DC often behave better for other DC's parents!