Party or no party?

[MyNameForToday1980]

DD 4.5 has been invited to an outdoor party (COVID compliant) today.

Her behaviour yesterday was pretty shocking (mainly highly emotional, which is fine and I try to understand, but also pretty defiant and rude, refusing to listen, actively doing the opposite of what she's asked).

We made a deal with her that her behaviour had to be better today to go to the party (it's a leave behind party due to COVID so I need to know she's on decent form before leaving her).

Her behaviour has not been better. She's not listening, again being contrary, doing the opposite of what she's asked.

We've tried talking to her, to understand her feelings/if something's wrong.

We've explained our position in terms of treating each other kindly, listening to each other.

Her behaviour is often mildly challenging, but pretty standard for a 4.5 year old.

All her friends are going to the party.

It's the first party in over a year.

Do we stand strong and keep her home?

Or do we suck it up, she's 4.5 years old... Her behaviour has been rude/defiant - but not aggressive...she keeps begging for 'one more chance' which is sad, but I don't think we can teach her that moaning gets her what she wants...

Party starts at 3.30...

YABU - send her to the party
YANBU - keep her home, this is a learning opportunity

OP my DD is a very similar age and v strong willed. They are almost always better behaved for others. When you drop her off you can give the hosts a heads up. If things have bern tough at home then drop her at the party and you all get a bit of a break. Just noticed it's nearly party time so hopefully it all works out.

Can you take a book and wait in the car? You can let the parents know and they can bring her out if it's too much.

I'd be leaving her just to get a break from her. Leave your number with both sets of parents, go home, have a coffee and relax.

I'd explain to the party mum(s) that shes not at her best today and please let you know if she behaves badly or spoils anything for anyone else and you will come and pick her up early

If she has been extra emotional recently and behaving differently, then she is struggling with something. You need to support her with that rather than setting an ultimatum that she can't possibly win. 4 year olds are not capable of that level of self-control to think "I'm feeling cross and frustrated but if I behave like I am calm then Mummy will let me go to the party" - that is pretty sophisticated thinking you are expecting of her.

Can you give some concrete examples of her behaviour?

Are you stuck in a negative cycle of misbehaviour,consequences,anger,exasperation,frustration (on both sides ), misbehaviour, consequences. And repeat again and again. She feels she always gets told off and nothing she does is right. You feel she never listens and nothing you do is working.

It's been a weird year for us all, kids included. The party could do her the world of good.