To think that grandparents are optional?

[SparrowsSparrowsSparrows]

I have an 8 month old DD. Since she was borne, my DM and DF have been, well, quite intense and demanding of my family's time. We're expected to visit (an hour round trip) or host them every weekend (they're picky and difficult). I'm not in the UK before anyone jumps on me. Our relationship is poor for many reasons and unlikely to change, and basically I don't want to see them this often because it's stressful and draining catering to their sensitivities and, honestly, I don't think they're going to be a positive part of my DC's life. I'm prepared to make this clear and explicit to them, but I'm hesitating because since they discovered I was pregnant they've constantly been ranting about how essential grandparents are to a child's wellbeing, how they have a right to see their grandchild effectively whenever they want and that they should be included in decision-making (e.g., around her birthday).

This is making me feel awful, which I guess is the point of their pretty clumsy emotional manipulation, but deep down I just don't agree with them. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents but would I really know any different if we'd never have much contact? DH has a distant relationship with his grandparents and doesn't think it's a big deal. He doesn't feel like he missed out on anything and believes he's had a great family life anyway. His life is full and rich. I think grandparents CAN be a good optional extra for a child but I'm starting to think that I shouldn't force this relationship on DD if I don't think it's for the best and that it's better to prioritise my MH over their entitlement.

That sounds really difficult. I think good, caring grandparents who respect and recognise the parents are a huge bonus, but that doesn’t sound like what you’ve got here. Demanding to be involved in planning birthday celebrations etc, they sound very overbearing.

I would consider going low contact or no contact. Your happiness and mental health is important for your child’s happiness and mental health. It sounds as though you have your husbands support. Good luck.

Well I feel immensely sorry for your DH. He's having to put up with in laws that even his wife doesn't like every single weekend.

And he's told you that he didn't need a close relationship with grandparents and you're still asking us. Just believe him! He's right!

Of course you don't need a relationship with grandparents. Mine were all dead by the time I was 8 and I never felt any absence. It's not as if they were my actual parents.

That said, people who grow up with beloved grandparents in the house often do feel like they lost a parent, but clearly your folks will never fall into that category.

I had children late. 3 out of 4 grandparents were dead already and the one that's left hasn't seen them in a year because of distance/Covid. They don't seem to mind.

Grandparents are simply not the foundation of a child's life, no matter whar some overbearing grandparents want you to think.

Diall it back massively id say once a month. No they aren't essential, good grandparents are great and important members of the child's family.
However if they're only adding stress and not being nice people you can absolutely do without.

I don't get why some parents start acting so weird and demanding when grandchildren appear.

Grandparents are only a positive influence in children’s lives if they’re positive and supportive people, which it doesn’t sound like they are.
My paternal grandparents were awful people, and they stopped contact with me and my sisters at some point in my childhood and I’ve never felt bad about it even once, because they sucked.

YANBU
I don't understand how people think grandparents are so essential. Having decent people in your kids life is great, but not decent people don't have a right just because they share a bit of DNA .

Thanks all - this is reassuring to hear. The guilt is massive because all I hear is that you MUST facilitate this relationship or you're a monster, even on much of MN.

Grandparents are like husbands, the right one is a bonus, the wrong one a hindrance.

I think a child's relationship with grandparents can be very special, but seeing them once per week is too much (unless it works for all involved)

It sounds like they are pretty useless and demanding. They certainly don't get to decide things for your child. That's your decision. You already have a child's needs to attend to so you really shouldn't have to tend to theirs.

Are they remotely helpful when they visit?

Will they take the baby out for a walk or help you with things around the house?

If not I'd say you either come less frequently or you help.

My parents are useless grandparents. When they visit they just sit about reading the paper while I entertain them. They do nothing. But then again they don't demand anything.

If you live in a country where grandparents have a right to access I'd reduce the visits gradually so they don't kick off and drag you to court. But don't set a precedent by seeing them weekly for years. That would give them power if it goes more wrong.

It's a stressful situation to be in.

My DC have really laid back and supportive grandparents. But they live quite far away so see one side a few times a year and the other side 6-10 times per year (pre Covid). DC don't really like doing phonecards or Zoom either so generally no contact in between visits.
Yours sound awful, I'd do a duty visit once every few months.

@TaraRhu

It sounds like they are pretty useless and demanding. They certainly don't get to decide things for your child. That's your decision. You already have a child's needs to attend to so you really shouldn't have to tend to theirs.

Are they remotely helpful when they visit?

Will they take the baby out for a walk or help you with things around the house?

If not I'd say you either come less frequently or you help.

My parents are useless grandparents. When they visit they just sit about reading the paper while I entertain them. They do nothing. But then again they don't demand anything.

Maybe I'm mad but I find that their "help" is all just masked critique. When they watch DD, they loudly talk to her about how they know the best way to feed her/change/play with her. When DM cleans up, she subtly rearranges things in ways that I guess she thinks are more logical. They constantly complain how millennials, in the "abstract", have ruined the next generation through faddish parenting (obviously this secretly directed at me personally but they really do dislike anyone under 40). This probably doesn't bother most people but it drives me up the wall.

I wouldn't tolerate that at all. You don't need to do the whole no contact thing but certainly withdraw a bit and maintain your boundaries.

Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. Do what's best for your family not what you are emotionally manipulated into believing is best.

I have a fantastic relationship with both sets of grandparents and honestly think they have enhanced my life tenfold.

But, in your case op, it does sound like they will have a negative impact on all your lives.

Can you just try making plans etc so when they ask to come or for you to visit say you're busy

Grandparents can be fantastic but there’s no way I’d be seeing them every weekend in your situation - I did see my grandparents every Sunday growing up but they lived 10mins across town and usually had us every Sunday to give my parents a break!

There's a big area between weekly visits and having no relationship with them. I think somewhere in the middle could be an easier place for you. The thing is children do know about grandparents, it's not like having or not having an additional sibling or auntie, grannies and grandpas are talked about in fiction and your dc will be aware of whether they see them or not. Do you have a relationship with your in-laws, are they able to be the gps in your dc's lives?
You seem to have a poor relationship predating the lo, so this may not apply, but I found both sets of gps quite intensive and critical (in the form of suggesting better ways to do things mostly) when my dc were very little. This improved massively as they grew and my own confidence in parenting increased. My dc have now lost all their gps and it is a loss - it's good to have people in your life who love you as well as your parents. Only you know OP whether this is bad enough to cut contact or not. I would begin with a reduction though and see how things go.

Grandparents are only a benefit if they bring something positive to the table.

The best grandparents are those who balance spending time with grandchildren and having lives of their own. I had a great relationship with my late DGF precisely because he did a lot of interesting things with his life and had some great stories to tell.

Parasitic grandparents who have no life beyond their grandchildren or who compete with others as to how involved they are with them aren't great. The kids will probably start to lose interest in them when they get older as there is nothing to these people.

Gps ime come into their own when the dc are big enough to sit with them and have conversations, hearing their stories or telling them endless stuff about about CBeebies.
I don't think you can judge the relationship much when they are babies. At this point it's more about the relationship with the parents.

My mum's side were rather shit parents but amazing grandparents. I have a lot of memories ,fun and live relating to them.
Obviously, if I never had that I wouldn't feel or know that i was missing out in anything.

My dad's side were definitely shit parents and even shittier grandparents. Couldn't stand them,barely saw them and never missed them or particularly wanted to see them. Urgh.

It all depends on how they are to your daughter and if they can (as in actually capable) be a positive and supportive influence in her life. If the answer is no, at best they're pointless, at worse they can be damaging.

We see our dgs nearly everyday, we absolutely adore him, we are so so lucky we have such a close relationship but I would call how we work as a family is fairly laid back, Dh and I love to help our dd out with childcare. What we dont do is take over the 'parenting' role though, times change, things move on and we can all learn new ways of caring for child, for example, when he was a new born my sil asked me the best way to lie a baby down in regards to SIDS, thank god I advised looking it up on the net because the advice has totally changed since my child was born.

OP, unless you are struggling, if your parents bring nothing but stress and anxiety, cut them loose.

I'm with you! My SIL (hubby's sister) insists on maintaining contact with my FIL "for the kids" even though she's accused him of some pretty serious things in the past, and doesn't have a particularly good relationship with him herself. I've suggested before she goes low to no contact and she agrees but then falls back into old ways then complains when he inevitably starts acting like a dick again.

I just don't get it! We're expecting and it'll be low contact for us. Just can't be bothered with the drama.

I would decide how often you're comfortable seeing them (once every few months is absolutely fine) and under what circumstances (neutral location? Your home?). Then simply don't budge. Don't engage in debates about how important it is for your child to see them, don't listen to barbed comments about how you're raising your child. Don't attempt to justify yourself. Simply hold absolutely firm. 'This is the way we've decided to do things'. 'Sorry that doesn't work for us'.

Sparrows, I find your post incredibly sad but understandable. I had a very demanding MIL, but, she had a fantastic relationship with my children and could not fault her as a grandparent. Is there a chance things may improve as baby gets older? I never assume anything as a grandparent as I know how hard it can be nowadays to juggle baby, work, husband/partner, family life in general. I would never demand anything from my children or grandchild. Is there anyway you can sit down with them, inc your husband and just talk to them. Tell them how you feel and that you just find it impossible to meet these demands. Explain fully why. I really don't understand grandparents like this. They don't seem to realise their behaviour alienates everyone, then wonder why no one wants to visit.

Three of my grandparents died before I was born, and the fourth one (my grandfather) lived hundreds of miles away and was a bit of a miserable bastard who had little interest in being a grandparent to us. I used to feel jealous of friends with grandparents living nearby, who would go round to their nan’s for tea after school or have lovely sleepovers with them at the weekends. My memories of visiting my grandad (only a few times a year) are of being bored shitless, expected to sit quietly in his living room doing very little. As we got older his behaviour towards all of us became incredibly toxic.

I think GOOD grandparents would have made a difference to my childhood in that they might have been able to give my parents a break once in a while, which would probably have been good for all of us. But I don’t think I’ve suffered for basically not having any grandparents, and I think bad grandparents could be even worse than no grandparents. So no, they are definitely not essential!