To think that grandparents are optional?

[SparrowsSparrowsSparrows]

I have an 8 month old DD. Since she was borne, my DM and DF have been, well, quite intense and demanding of my family's time. We're expected to visit (an hour round trip) or host them every weekend (they're picky and difficult). I'm not in the UK before anyone jumps on me. Our relationship is poor for many reasons and unlikely to change, and basically I don't want to see them this often because it's stressful and draining catering to their sensitivities and, honestly, I don't think they're going to be a positive part of my DC's life. I'm prepared to make this clear and explicit to them, but I'm hesitating because since they discovered I was pregnant they've constantly been ranting about how essential grandparents are to a child's wellbeing, how they have a right to see their grandchild effectively whenever they want and that they should be included in decision-making (e.g., around her birthday).

This is making me feel awful, which I guess is the point of their pretty clumsy emotional manipulation, but deep down I just don't agree with them. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents but would I really know any different if we'd never have much contact? DH has a distant relationship with his grandparents and doesn't think it's a big deal. He doesn't feel like he missed out on anything and believes he's had a great family life anyway. His life is full and rich. I think grandparents CAN be a good optional extra for a child but I'm starting to think that I shouldn't force this relationship on DD if I don't think it's for the best and that it's better to prioritise my MH over their entitlement.

I presume that the other set of GP are not around/ not any better? It’s a shame your DC don’t have good GP around as they are wonderful, but that is not a reason to keep up contact with terrible GPS!

You’re so right. I wish I’d had two less than I did because they made my wonderful mum and dad fucking miserable. Mum was stuck in the fear, obligation, guilt cycle till the last one finally died and I cried for the life she could have had if she’d decided she was worth more than the incessant criticism, toxic emotional blackmail and sheer sadness and trauma they brought to her life.

You’re right to be looking at this with clear eyes and deciding to stand up for yourself - as a daughter and a wife and mother - and created boundaries that protect your family from people who seek to control and undermine it.

Children need love around them, whether that be a big family or a small one, grandparents, biological aunts and uncles etc or stepparents, friends their parents have known so long they can’t remember where they first met them or when, foster carers or whatever.

So in answer to your question, I don’t agree with your parents that they are essential to your child’s life just because they are the biological grandparents. For your sake and your child’s I think you need to put your foot down and say no to them more often or better yet, move house somewhere further away first chance you get.

My mother had a terrible relationship with her MIL. She was a good GM to us, but I hated how she made my mother feel. I never liked her for that reason. Parents come first, they are the most important ones to children. I never missed my GM once she passed away, I just felt relief for my mother. If GP create stress and anxiety to the parents, that's in no way beneficial to the children.