Nearly 7 year old not making friends... help!

[DressesWithPockets]

My son is nearly 7 and is not really making friends. I don't know what to do, or how to help.

He plays really well with his younger sister, and also his (female) cousin the same age as him. He has two "friends" outside school but it's hit or miss how much they really play together when we arrange playdates. Today we arranged to meet one of the boys in the park and they didn't play together at all.

Apparently he only very rarely plays with other children at school. He spends play times running around by himself. For this and a couple of other reasons the school suggested he be assessed for autism, but he didn't meet the threshold for further investigation. (They did however suggest he be assessed for ADHD so now we will go through that process too.)

I don't know what to do. I have tried to arrange one or two playdates with other kids in his class but they are awkward as he won't play with them. Nor does he ever say "can we have X round to play?" or anything like that.

It's going to be awkward as my husband will probably say he ought to have a proper birthday party, but I wouldn't know what to do or who to invite.

He's a nice kid, not naughty, no bad behaviour, just a bit in his own world.

Has anyone been in a similar situation... how did it turn out as your kids got older? Any suggestions for what we should do? I really don't want to force awkward play dates on him but I feel should be doing something. Help!

Is he unhappy about his lack of friends? If he's happy enough then I wouldn't push it tbh. Maybe try some activities outside of school to see if there's anything he's passionate about, then he might meet someone with that in common.

Thanks. No actually he doesn't seem particularly unhappy. He goes into school very happily every day and has just started beavers which he enjoys. He hates being asked about why he doesn't want to play with other kids, but that's a different thing.

Some people just naturally prefer their own company. I don't think we necessarily need to pathologise or fix it, as long as they're happy.

Agree with the above post, maybe see if he likes to join some clubs or activities.
There isn't anything 'wrong ' with him, maybe it's just a preference to be on his own. Leave him be for a while. If he's not upset or angry it may just be how he is.

If he is self sufficient at amusing himself and is happy without company that is a gift in life. Why not give it a go for a few months of not worrying about it and seeing if he is content about it himself.

Thanks. I think it's quite hard to accept... you have an image of your child making lots of friends as they go through primary school... It feels like a basic requirement for a happy life. Maybe we do need to be more relaxed about it for a bit.

I'd agree with the others. See if he wants to do some activities. The social side of our (small) school seems to be football, so I'd suggest making sure he knows the basics so he can join in if he wants to.

The frustrating thing is that he will play SO well with his sister and cousin. I feel he ought to have other friends too. But maybe they are enough for him.

Aww this must feel really tough. Yes my suggestion would be firstly to talk to him about it and just share your dilemma with him-eg mummy can see that you seem to prefer to play alone sometimes but you also play really well with your sister and cousin, so mummy doesn't know whether to keep arranging play dates as I don't want to push you but we also don't want you to feel lovely etc etc xxx at 7 he can hopefully articulate enough to take the pressure off you trying to figure it out alone xx

Yeah I'd relax about it op. Don't keep asking why he won't play with other children, he'll start to feel like there's something wrong with him.
He sounds lovely.

I could have wrote this. I also have a 7 year old that has no friends in school and refuses to make any. He doesn’t speak to any of the other children, I tried to speak to the senco about it but she just said she doesn’t believe he has any SEN. 😕

@RebelByLight

I'd agree with the others. See if he wants to do some activities. The social side of our (small) school seems to be football, so I'd suggest making sure he knows the basics so he can join in if he wants to.

This makes total sense. Unfortunately he has literally almost no interest. We've tried!

Lonely not lovely! X

My nearly 6 year old DD is very similar, so I feel you, OP. She can play very well when required to, but usually chooses not to, and prefers to be by herself. She’s incredibly imaginative, and I think just often prefers to be making up stories about her imaginary siblings. She’s also a bit behind physically, due do hyper mobility, which doesn’t help, as she can’t keep up with running games and isn’t as proficient with playground equipment.

Afraid I don’t have any advice, but hoping others may have been through similar and can help.

@Happycat1212

I could have wrote this. I also have a 7 year old that has no friends in school and refuses to make any. He doesn’t speak to any of the other children, I tried to speak to the senco about it but she just said she doesn’t believe he has any SEN. 😕

Have they given you any advice? I am desperate for someone to tell me how best to approach this.

My two year old is a bit like this (but doesn't play with other children at home, because there aren't any). I asked her if she wanted to talk and play with the other children and she said yes, so we watched a few kiddy videos on YouTube about how to make friends and role-played them together. If he does want to get to know other kids maybe a similar approach would work? Some kids need direct instruction to learn social skills as they struggle to just pick them up naturally.

My son was and is like this (he's 9 now). He's always spent playtime running about talking to himself and doesn't quite understand friendship and social rules. He's being assessed for asd. But, it does bother him and he'd do a lot to be popular/accepted (it's a worry!). If he wasn't bothered, I would be less worried.

So I'd let your ds be who he is until he says it worries him. Hard though, I know

@Totallydefeated

My nearly 6 year old DD is very similar, so I feel you, OP. She can play very well when required to, but usually chooses not to, and prefers to be by herself. She’s incredibly imaginative, and I think just often prefers to be making up stories about her imaginary siblings. She’s also a bit behind physically, due do hyper mobility, which doesn’t help, as she can’t keep up with running games and isn’t as proficient with playground equipment.

Afraid I don’t have any advice, but hoping others may have been through similar and can help.

I'm reassured to hear he's not the only one. My son is also very imaginative and due to being young for his year can't really keep up physically.

Oh, and he has apparently now started playing football at lunchtimes having shown zero interest in the past! So it could well change.

They suggested asking him for a name of a child he would like to play with so they could “buddy up” but he refused 😕 I think he may have asd because my older 2 children do but like I said the senco was very dismissive, it’s unusual to not have or want friends at this age but I didn’t really get anywhere with my concerns, he never gets invited to play dates or parties (pre covid) since he doesn’t speak to any one can’t help but feel sad for him

My 8 year old has HFA and was a bit like this but the last two years he has really made some good friends. But still likes alone time and will frequently prefer to go off on his own.

You have to bring up the child you have OP - it’s not easy sometimes but I think it’s best to make them secure so they come to you when they want help rather than force activities and friendships they aren’t keen on.

Yes almost exactly the same at age 7. We encouraged his interest in things that other kids like (Pokemon, Minecraft, Harry Potter etc.) and he started to find others with similar interests and the friendships have formed gradually. He is 9 and now has a friendship group at school. He doesn't enjoy parties and I wish we hadn't tried to force this when he was younger as he hated them. He also doesn't want to have playdates even now, but he is happy, and enjoys seeing his friends at school. I don't think you can force it (he would also not join in on playdates / and would refuse to go into parties). He did manage to make his own friends when he found they liked minecraft / pokemon etc too and they had things to talk about.

I was that child. I played well with my sister and cousin, and with next-door-neighbours, but had no interest in playing with children at school and going round to someone's to play was always a nightmare. The teachers were constantly chucking me and my book out of the cloakrooms at playtime and telling the other children off for not "letting Karma join in" which obviously didn't endear me to the others at all. They didn't want to play with me, I didn't want to play with them, I'd have been far happier if adults had stopped pushing it.

In secondary school I made a small number of good friends I still have to this day.

Trying to force friendships/playing often backfires. Too much pressure for the child and/or goes against his nature which may be more of an introverted type. Activities that let him be around others and engage on his own terms may be better - Beavers is a great example of this.

I'd encourage him in any interests and he will probably form connections that way.