Nearly 7 year old not making friends... help!

[DressesWithPockets]

My son is nearly 7 and is not really making friends. I don't know what to do, or how to help.

He plays really well with his younger sister, and also his (female) cousin the same age as him. He has two "friends" outside school but it's hit or miss how much they really play together when we arrange playdates. Today we arranged to meet one of the boys in the park and they didn't play together at all.

Apparently he only very rarely plays with other children at school. He spends play times running around by himself. For this and a couple of other reasons the school suggested he be assessed for autism, but he didn't meet the threshold for further investigation. (They did however suggest he be assessed for ADHD so now we will go through that process too.)

I don't know what to do. I have tried to arrange one or two playdates with other kids in his class but they are awkward as he won't play with them. Nor does he ever say "can we have X round to play?" or anything like that.

It's going to be awkward as my husband will probably say he ought to have a proper birthday party, but I wouldn't know what to do or who to invite.

He's a nice kid, not naughty, no bad behaviour, just a bit in his own world.

Has anyone been in a similar situation... how did it turn out as your kids got older? Any suggestions for what we should do? I really don't want to force awkward play dates on him but I feel should be doing something. Help!

Thanks everyone. This has given me a lot to think about.

He sounds similar to my DS who is now 10. I worried about him when he was younger, he never made friends in nursery or the younger years of school. It doesn’t help that the majority of the boys in his class are very boisterous. DS is a very gentle soul, I think he actually prefers the company of adults to other children sometimes and he’d rather chat during playtimes in school rather than join in the rough games and football. He’s now made one friend in his class who is into computers like him, and I think they sit and chat during break time. He’s a very happy boy, plays really well with his brother and cousins. I’m hoping he’ll find his tribe in secondary school.

I have 4 children, 3 are sociable and want to be popular at school, 7 year old DS is not. Sounds like your DS.
My DSis very academic and intellectual and will read a eg science/history encyclopaedia in a day, he is just so interested in learning about the world and things and has not got much interest in most children his age. But interestingly, where I have tried to find boys who are more like him and have them over for a play date he is absolutely fine with them. They tend to be sensitive and shy and compliant but have very elaborate eg Lego games and listening to their conversations is fascinating. He just doesn’t like football/isn’t on the same level as most kids his age. No idea whether he has some sort of high functioning autism or not, there were never any signs when he was younger. It is ok for boys to be quieter and not like football. We accept teens and adults with lots of different personalities, kids should be equally able to be themselves and not fit some mould. It is only where they really are struggling/unhappy/having meltdowns that you should be worried. If he has good social skills with other children I would not worry. Many more sensitive thoughtful boys prefer playing with girls but somehow the primary school environment can be very divisive boys vs girls

Thanks, that gives me hope! My son is also not boisterous, and a lot of the boys in his class are.

@Sunnyfreezesushi

I have 4 children, 3 are sociable and want to be popular at school, 7 year old DS is not. Sounds like your DS. My DSis very academic and intellectual and will read a eg science/history encyclopaedia in a day, he is just so interested in learning about the world and things and has not got much interest in most children his age. But interestingly, where I have tried to find boys who are more like him and have them over for a play date he is absolutely fine with them. They tend to be sensitive and shy and compliant but have very elaborate eg Lego games and listening to their conversations is fascinating. He just doesn’t like football/isn’t on the same level as most kids his age. No idea whether he has some sort of high functioning autism or not, there were never any signs when he was younger. It is ok for boys to be quieter and not like football. We accept teens and adults with lots of different personalities, kids should be equally able to be themselves and not fit some mould. It is only where they really are struggling/unhappy/having meltdowns that you should be worried. If he has good social skills with other children I would not worry. Many more sensitive thoughtful boys prefer playing with girls but somehow the primary school environment can be very divisive boys vs girls

Thanks. Yes I agree about the divisive boys and girls nature of primary schools. I sometimes wonder if he'd do better playing with girls, but that doesn't get encouraged.

@Missingthebridegene

Lonely not lovely! X

I think I preferred lovely!

I don't think he is lonely really. The teachers are all at pains to say he isn't unhappy or anything.

Maybe he prefers to play with girls as he gets on with his sister and cousin. Can you invite any from his class round and see how that goes?

Hi OP. My wee niece went through exactly this at your son's age. My sister was pulling her hair out, as sometimes niece and friend were even playing in separate rooms on playdates
It really was just a phase, and she plays much better now. As with your son, she always played so nicely with her cousins and brother, but these were her comfort blanket. Family members don't tend to be nice to you one minute, and then not want to play with you at school the next!
It can sometimes be an age and stage thing. Their social skills improve as they get older, so I wouldn't worry too much.
And of course some children are happiest on their own. Same with adults! A label isn't always required.

Oh, and last thing, don't get too anxious about it. He'll pick up on that for sure. Just relax and let him do his thing. Maybe don't force the play dates on him for a while. Everything will fall into place in time

It's tough, go with the ADHD assessment as if an autism investigation is needed it will be. I know how you feel my DS has a disproportionate emotional response to everything, he doesn't mix well and is dominating too. He is diagnosed the original assessment was adhd he has asd pda spd.
I don't have the answer.
I started DS in taekwondo it helped lots pre lockdown.

It sounds like he's happy with the way things are. Let him take the lead.
You sound like you're doing a great job already. I would only throw a party for my DC if they asked for one.

Really identifying with this thread. My recently diagnosed son has adhd and asd and is like lots of the children described here. I wish I knew what the answer was. He is very solitary at times and prefers adults. Won't join in etc and quite avoidant ODD. Today he cried and said he wishes he had more friends and felt lonely especially before he made a good friend he now has. It breaks my heart. I wish I knew how to help him. The school try and set him up but he is super picky and will just say no.

@BackyardDeckchair

Some people just naturally prefer their own company. I don't think we necessarily need to pathologise or fix it, as long as they're happy.

THIS^ I was that kid. I was happy with my books, TV, dolls, cats and my own imagination. I was an only child on top of that. I went to groups -- girl scouts, church choir, etc. but never invited those girls over to play. Not until I was 13 years old, when a new girl moved into our class who was my mental twin -- we were one and only besties for the next five years. Leave him alone and let him be happy.

OP, I have 2 boys. It can be difficult if they don't like football because that often defines the social hierarchy at primary school. Mine both eventually found other things they enjoyed, and that's the key - just try lots of different things. My youngest (now 14) describes himself as socially awkward/anxious. He was similar to your son at primary school. He eventually learnt that it was better to tag along with a group simply to avoid unwanted attention from well meaning teachers, but he still generally prefers his own company and rarely makes the effort to see friends outside of school. He's happy enough though, and has a sport that he's very involved in and good at, so he'll be fine. My advice would be not to worry about your son too much ... support him to be who he wants to be not what others think he should be.

My first DD was like this and didn't make any friends really until Y3 then was on and off with different people until Y6. Now in high school has loads of friends, solid group of really close friends and then different groups from different activities etc that are not as close but still hang out.

Middle makes friends with anyone always been super confident never struggled socially at all.

Youngest still hasn't got any friends as such will play at school with various people but no play dates etc yet. I'm sure that will change over time, I'm not worried.

They are all different and as long as he seems generally happy I'd just let him get on with it, he'll build closer relationships over time

Thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. Interesting that so many of you are saying don't push it and let him be if he's happy enough.

My dd 9 is like this but she is being assessed for autism. She talks to girls from school over FaceTime and has one friend who lives out of the area who we get together with for play dates but her teacher says she doesn't talk to the girls or play in school!