Friend keeps blaming my son...

[Opal93]

I have a very close friend but her attitude towards my son is driving a wedge between us. Her son is 2 and a half and my son is 3. My son is no angel by any means so I am not deluded. My son does show some age difference impatience with hers, and is going thorough a “MINE!!MINE” phase, but the last few times we have got together her son has hit and scratched my son and she just said “well he’s more than capable of hitting him back.” As a result of this my son avoids him and tends to play with her older daughter. Lately though she keeps bringing up my sons behaviour like she thinks it’s a problem. “Your son is nowhere near as sociable with mine, he’s so bad tempered with him, all my son wants to do is play with him” . Last visit my son was very tired and clingy to me and generally grumpy and she raised her eyebrows and said “My sons NEVER like that” that’s not true, I’ve seen him act like this loads of times to the point where she’s been in tears she’s so drained, not that there’s anything wrong it’s just they are toddlers! I just don’t think it is fair she has double standards on their behaviour and she wouldn’t take it well if I said it to her, but she has no qualms about saying her opinion to me. The latest and possible final straw came and when she said “aren’t you thinking of getting your son tested for autism? You really should, because of his brother,he’s very unsociable and very smart...that’s one of the signs you know!” My older son has autism. I haven’t spoke to her since this comment because I really am pissed off now. AIBU to want to say something to her? And how would you put it? I don’t think I can continue the friendship this way if I don’t nip this in the bud

Who is more important your child or this friend? Not all friendships stand the rest of time.

Test 🤪

Either meet up without the children if you actually like her, or just cut her off. The boys don't play well together and she's judging you vocally for that. No point in putting up with that tbh.

Honestly... I'd cool it... If you don't your relationship is unlikely to survive... If you do it just might...

She sounds awful. I wouldn't want to be her friend.

She’s not a friend!

He's more than capable of hitting him back
If she really thinks a couple of toddlers should be left to slug it out to sort out their differences, I'd give her a wide swerve from now on.
With or without the children, actually. She sounds awful.

Lol you have been too kind. It’s time to end this friendship and make it clear exactly why before blocking her.

I was in your position a little while ago and I called the friend a fucking bitch and threatened to launch her and her son out of a window the next time he touched my son. It wasn’t my finest hour but I was fed up of him trying to kick my DS in the crotch all the time while she pointed out flaws in my son and our parenting. It ended the friendship but I feel so much better for it ending.

I don't think I could carry on spending time with someone who spoke about my children like that.
She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Also...so she’s fine with her little boy hitting someone (who she thinks) who has special needs?
She’s lovely!

Your son doesn't need this stress in his life, you can tell her you don't think playdates are a good idea for a while as they rub each other up the wrong way, but happy to meet without kids - if you want to keep an adult friendship with her. If you're happy to never see her again, then tell her no playdates for a while, then just don't ever start them up again.
I had this with a friend whose son was difficult and my daughter hated having to play with him, even at 3, i wished i'd nipped it in the bud a lot sooner than i did. I'd say there's no point in telling her home truths about her son, she's in denial and will get hostile, just keep your child away from hers.
She sounds like a bit of a cow though, so unless you have overlapping friend groups, or she's a family member, it might be a relief to stop seeing her altogether - sounds like she will always be a competitive parent who will try to bring you down.

I will never understand the legion of mumsnet tees who have friends they don’t like and who clearly don’t like them.

OP - she’s horrible about your son, allows hers to hurt yours and displays signs of overwhelming stupidity. You’ll be happier if you just stop seeing her.

Nope. You need to be busy and get new friends
Fade her out. She’s no friend
I’ve totally done this
‘Friend’ had a son who’s dad loved rough play - their kid their choice etc etc. But kid thought that this how you play and mum did nothing Actually they were raising a bully

On one occasion said child tripped my ds and he cracked his head on a hard wooden floor Children were 18m and 2 years ish
Child’s mum watched and did nothing - just laughed

I picked up my child and left. We weren’t friends after that

Been through this myself. I continued friendship. Result - kids ended up in same primary class. Saw the mother everyday and I didn’t realise the resentment over the 3 years had built up! I put up with her for longer than I should have and one day just erupted at her over something relatively minor. It was something she had done but easily forgiven but I held into all the snide comments made about my then baby, bruises on my child’s face made by her awful daughter, the laughing at my child being dragged by the hair by her feral toddler, told to calm down they just bring Kidd and I just blew! I’m a very calm and quiet person so she was in a shock.

My advice - cut it now. Don’t meet her and don’t keep kidding yourself things will improve they won’t.

Phase her out she's not a true friend

I have got a friend whose dd is 18 months younger than mine - thought they would make great playmates but the truth is they don't really gel.
So l always try and meet her when they are at school.
I would give this one a very wide berth op

Tell her to do one. You don't need that in your life. It's too short to waste it on people that bring you down. Xx

My friend had / has a child with behaviour problems. They are much improved now. When he was at his worst if I suggested meeting up with kids she would say "I wouldn't at the moment, I don't expect your kids to be safe" or "yes let's do an outside things". A couple of times we misjudged it but everything was with an attitude of keep the kids safe first. That's how friends behave.

She’s not a friend.

She sounds horrible. I would let go of this friendship.

Yabu to take it up the shitter instead of standing up to her.

Back away op and take your dc with you.. She sounds awful. Be less available, no drama conversation..

I have quite a few friends who have children the same age as mine - they're now 7, 10 and 13. Often the children don't particularly get on, so we meet without them.
I see on here ' why should mothers be friends just because they happened to give birth at the same time?' - why should children have to be friends because their mums are?

In most cases where the children don’t get on it’s nice to see each other without the children. But not in this case as she sounds awful! I’d avoid her and then the problem is solved.

How have you not told her to fuck off? Commendable restraint, OP.