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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend keeps blaming my son...

61 replies

Opal93 · 17/04/2021 18:22

I have a very close friend but her attitude towards my son is driving a wedge between us. Her son is 2 and a half and my son is 3. My son is no angel by any means so I am not deluded. My son does show some age difference impatience with hers, and is going thorough a “MINE!!MINE” phase, but the last few times we have got together her son has hit and scratched my son and she just said “well he’s more than capable of hitting him back.” As a result of this my son avoids him and tends to play with her older daughter. Lately though she keeps bringing up my sons behaviour like she thinks it’s a problem. “Your son is nowhere near as sociable with mine, he’s so bad tempered with him, all my son wants to do is play with him” . Last visit my son was very tired and clingy to me and generally grumpy and she raised her eyebrows and said “My sons NEVER like that” that’s not true, I’ve seen him act like this loads of times to the point where she’s been in tears she’s so drained, not that there’s anything wrong it’s just they are toddlers! I just don’t think it is fair she has double standards on their behaviour and she wouldn’t take it well if I said it to her, but she has no qualms about saying her opinion to me. The latest and possible final straw came and when she said “aren’t you thinking of getting your son tested for autism? You really should, because of his brother,he’s very unsociable and very smart...that’s one of the signs you know!” My older son has autism. I haven’t spoke to her since this comment because I really am pissed off now. AIBU to want to say something to her? And how would you put it? I don’t think I can continue the friendship this way if I don’t nip this in the bud

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 17/04/2021 19:37

We can learn a lot from children 😀your son dislikes this child so simply moves away from him.
Time to distance yourself too.

needadvice54321 · 17/04/2021 19:48

I've been in a very similar position with slightly older children. I let it go for about 3 years, then burst . I wasn't horrible but made it clear that I was fed up with what the mother was saying and it had to stop.

It was the end of our fairly close friendship. At the beginning I was devastated- I actually expected her to be upset that I was upset IYSWIM but she wasn't, she was angry that I'd dared to have the opinion that I did. I then decided actually I didn't want a friend who didn't care about my feelings, but it took a while for me to deal with it - we had been close.

So in other words, be prepared..

wigjuice · 17/04/2021 19:56

Just tell her to get to fuck!

Moonwatcher1234 · 17/04/2021 20:21

She’s a friend...not family. You have no duty to keep seeing her if she is so negative towards your child. If it carries on, he will eventually pick up on the disapproval.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/04/2021 20:28

I'm normally in favour of preserving friendships and overlooking minor annoyances, but in this case I would drop her like a hot brick.

Failing to manage an unruly 2 year old I could overlook. Repeated negative comments about my DC less so. But suggesting you should have your DC assessed for autism, when she knows you have an older DC with autism? No, fuck off already you massive gobshite.

HandfulofDust · 17/04/2021 20:32

She sounds like a real cow. It's almost like she's trying to upset you as much as possible.

beginningoftheend · 17/04/2021 20:35

I don't think she's a friend at all. I'm not one for announcements so I think I would just be very busy from now.

User0ne · 17/04/2021 20:36

"nip it in the bud"? She's already a fully grown tree!

Pp's have it right- time to get your chainsaw out 😁

NationMcKinley · 17/04/2021 20:41

I had a friend who sounds similar to this.

We are no longer friends.

She always had a short fuse despite trying to tell everyone what a “hippy earth mother” she was (she was the opposite as her poor neglected older son would testify).

The day she decided to tell me what a terrible parent I was and how my toddler had “issues” (her words - he didn’t, her child had stolen his toy and was tormenting him) was the day I walked off and never looked back.

My life has been a lot easier since!!

It’s not worth it.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 17/04/2021 20:51

I had a similar situation with a friend whose son used to hit mine and could not share his toys, pretty normal beaviour for toddlers but she used to call my son a grass for coming to me to tell me.

We tried seeing each other without the kids but funnily enough I'm no longer in contact with her.

Sceptre86 · 17/04/2021 20:55

My response would be, 'back off bitch'. Not really useful if you want to keep the friendship going but this type of competitive parenting only gets worse. I wouldn't entertain it. I don't blame your son for not wanting to play with hers, who wants to play with someone who hurts them? Let this friendship die.

Mittens030869 · 17/04/2021 21:06

I wouldn’t keep persevering with this ‘friend’, OP, she really does sound awful.

Blueberrymuffin40 · 17/04/2021 21:10

Been through the same sort of thing. Cut her off.

Blueberrymuffin40 · 17/04/2021 21:14

By the way my child is now 18 and still remembers and shudders at her name.

PinkPomeranian · 17/04/2021 21:22

Life is too short to spend your valuable free time on people who make you (and your child) feel bad. I'm not sure you'd gain much from talking it out so would probably just create space and distance yourself. You can remain friendly without having to be friends.

BillyTodd · 17/04/2021 21:26

Yeah I'd be avoiding her from now on. Maybe just phone conversations, if you can keep them steered away from your children, or if you can just tell her straight "back off making comments about my son thanks".

Ilovechinese · 17/04/2021 21:26

She doesn't sound like a good friend tbh, I use to have a friend whose child was a year older than mine and hers use to hit mine and not share toys all the time. They should discipline their children or not bring them to play with others if they cant play nicely

Sleepisoverrated150 · 17/04/2021 21:31

She’s a douche bag....run like the wind!!

HotPenguin · 17/04/2021 21:36

Ugh you should ditch her for the autism comment, the other stuff maybe you could work through, but she's a cow and an idiot trying to diagnose your son with autism, I assume you know a lot more about the condition than she does.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2021 21:45

I think this woman has really gone too far now.

What I don’t get with these sort of people is why does it matter how she would take such comments when you’re obviously upset by what she’s said to you? Why is it people like you (and me) just take it lying down.

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 22:11

Follow your son's lead.
She is not your friend.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/04/2021 22:19

You don't need people like her in your life.

Embroideredstars · 17/04/2021 22:33

I wouldn't bother with her again, why are you putting your ds through it?

Surely you can't enjoy her company if she makes comments like that? Anyway one who makes comments like those and compares children negatively like that is not going to do your or your child's self esteem any good!

I wouldn't be sharing my precious time with them....

1Morewineplease · 17/04/2021 22:39

Sounds like your friend is deflecting her son's behaviour and is turning it around to make it look like it's your son's fault.

I'd step back a bit from this relationship and allow your son some space from this child.

jelly79 · 17/04/2021 22:51

Cut her off and tell her it was because of that comment
Of
Discuss that comment with her and let her explain

No other options for me

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