How often do you see your mum?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My mum has been on her own for a good few years. Has a reasonable social life during the week, COVID permitting. But she NEVER arranges anything on a weekend and leaves her weekends free for myself and my sister to either visit her or have her over for lunch/dinner. It's expected. So every weekend I drive over to see her. She lives about half an hour away. Around once a month I'll have her over for dinner.

My AIBU is whether it's too much to expect to have a 'weekend off' once in a while? I don't want to come across as uncaring, as I'm not. I know how lonely it can be living on your own. But I have a busy life - work FT, ferrying teenagers to their social lives, etc etc. I get two days off a week. I'd just like the odd weekend to myself sometimes. If I skip a visit it's met with huffiness.

[CoveredInSnow]

As little as possible. I don’t enjoy her company and we have nothing in common.

In reality I see her several times a month as I enjoy the company of my father and, what with them being married and all, I can’t not see her.

If it ever comes to it that she’s alone, like hell am I providing her with company when she’s couldn’t be arsed for the rest of my life.

[Kitkat151]

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Kitkat151 who says they'll even have children? They're certainly not expected to provide grandchildren, and if they have children I won't have any rights to see them according to a schedule.

I have colleagues and acquaintances who tey to enmesh their lives with those of their adult children and try to create a codependent relationship, and claim their adult children couldn't manage without them, and my own mother has tried this in the past with my siblings and I, and succeeded with one sibling, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Its always a relationship of strings attached to everything and endless low level emotional blackmail and using the next generation to fulfill emotional needs or simply prevent boredom. It's really unhealthy and inappropriate imo and shitty parenting.

You sound like you have issues🙄
My daughter lives in our pockets....I call her my clingon......but that’s fine by me....I like her company...she likes mine and I love being with my grand children....We have an annual holiday together....but I work full time....I volunteer....I spend time with my friends and partner...I’m not bored....I don’t blackmail anyone emotionally...but still see my grandchildren 5 times a week....it works great for us....but we are a very Close family....I appreciate not everyone is like that.... and that you have had a shitty upbringing with your mother....but not everyone is like your mother.....Lots of adult children actually like being with their mothers

[BackyardDeckchair]

Same. Once a weekend, at least. Half an hour drive.

[speakout]

I live with my mother.

We dislike each other a great deal.

It is hard.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Kitkat151 your adult daughter lives in your pocket and you call her your "clingon" and you don't think you have an unhealthy relationship with issues? ok.

[Coachee]

I see my parents about 5 times a year, sometimes more. Since Covid, not at all. I live 80 miles away from my home town and they are not very proactive, so it is me going to see them. I used to go loads more often before I had DD but it’s harder now. Both have remarried and have limited interest in us or grandkids .

It’s so different to the way things were when we were kids - we saw my dad’s parents daily (we lived on the street) and my mum’s parents once a week. I feel sad that my DD won’t have that sort of bond or time with her grandparents.

[Stellaris22]

Outside of childcare arrangements it does seem unhealthy to be so dependent on parents when you are adults and have your own families.

Not saying you should never see parents, but if I raised a child to still be dependent on me when they should have their own lives, I'd feel like I didn't do enough to help them live happy lives without me.

Equally, I'd never want to become dependent on my children being my only friends.

[Mumofsend]

How on earth is it unhealthy to have a good relationship with your parents. Popping I'm 2-3 days a week for a cuppa, chinwag and bacon sarnie isn't preventing any living of an independent, happy life

[Mary46]

My mam says stuff back so I learnt just a need to know basis. Some families live on top of each other. I check in on her mid week. Very set in her ways. One can only do so much. I have my own family too

[Ellasmummyx1]

Two or three times a week

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Mumofsend a mother saying her adult daughter lives in her pocket and calling her her clingon isn't a healthy relationship though - thats an asymmetric, infantslised relationship. The parent calling the adult her clingon speaks volumes, although doubtless she knows that and let it slip accidentally and will use the all too predictable "it was a joke" insincere backpedal.

Healthy relationships between independent adults are relationships of equals without cruel "jokes" intended to keep one party in their place.

[gamerchick]

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Kitkat151 your adult daughter lives in your pocket and you call her your "clingon" and you don't think you have an unhealthy relationship with issues? ok.

Indeed.

Won't make any difference though

[PiccallilliCircus]

I haven't seen DM for around 18 months. Before 2020, about two or three times a year. It's enough.

[KilljoysDutch]

Haven't seen her for 3 years. She lives 140 miles away only time we see her is if we catch a train to where she lives (we don't drive) my stepdad drives but she'd never put herself out by visiting the non favoured children.

[IncorrigibleTitmouse]

Not for about 18 months. We live in different countries and mostly see each other once a year as schedules allow. I try to FaceTime her once a week.

[Amumtomyson]

Never, she's dead 😢

[needadvice54321]

Before Covid I probably saw my parents once a month? Depends really, if there was a family birthday or something we might see them more but generally once a month was about it. They live an hour away, not too far but because they insist we have to spend the full day with them (including a meal etc) then it's harder to find a day we're all free with teenagers too. If they were happy with popping in for a cup of tea and a chat or occasionally coming without the teens, then we'd definitely see them more frequently! It's just tough finding more than one totally free full day a month

[needadvice54321]

@needadvice54321

Before Covid I probably saw my parents once a month? Depends really, if there was a family birthday or something we might see them more but generally once a month was about it. They live an hour away, not too far but because they insist we have to spend the full day with them (including a meal etc) then it's harder to find a day we're all free with teenagers too. If they were happy with popping in for a cup of tea and a chat or occasionally coming without the teens, then we'd definitely see them more frequently! It's just tough finding more than one totally free full day a month

Forgot to add, we do talk daily - even if it's just on WhatsApp

[KilljoysDutch]

Also feel the need to point out she's certainly not elderly at 52.

[needadvice54321]

@KilljoysDutch

Also feel the need to point out she's certainly not elderly at 52.

Yes I forgot to point this out too! My parents aren't elderly, probably have busier lives than us!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

So my mum is 70's. I'm early 50's. There is no reason why she can't get herself a social life. But since my dad died she's become more dependent on her kids to entertain her.

[Holly60]

@Mumofsend

How on earth is it unhealthy to have a good relationship with your parents. Popping I'm 2-3 days a week for a cuppa, chinwag and bacon sarnie isn't preventing any living of an independent, happy life

I totally agree! When I reached adulthood my parents and I made the transition from parent/child to friend, and from that point forward spent lots of time together as good friends. When they were fit and healthy it was never an obligation and we just enjoyed doing things together. As they got older and needed more support there was an element of obligation to the relationship, and although I did occasionally feel overwhelmed, ultimately, I was there for them in the same way they had always been there for me.

[LibbyL92]

5 days a week as we work together. I may see her some Saturdays/Sunday’s depending on where we’re doing.

We also have a holiday together once a year as well. We’re extremely close :)

[Panpastels]

As little as I can get away with tbh, she just drains me. So maybe once a month or so? Which isn't much when she's only ten mins away.

[Panpastels]

@CoveredInSnow I dread my father dying - because I suspect the woman who has shown little interest will suddenly want my company - fuck that.