How often do you see your mum?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My mum has been on her own for a good few years. Has a reasonable social life during the week, COVID permitting. But she NEVER arranges anything on a weekend and leaves her weekends free for myself and my sister to either visit her or have her over for lunch/dinner. It's expected. So every weekend I drive over to see her. She lives about half an hour away. Around once a month I'll have her over for dinner.

My AIBU is whether it's too much to expect to have a 'weekend off' once in a while? I don't want to come across as uncaring, as I'm not. I know how lonely it can be living on your own. But I have a busy life - work FT, ferrying teenagers to their social lives, etc etc. I get two days off a week. I'd just like the odd weekend to myself sometimes. If I skip a visit it's met with huffiness.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Kitkat151 when my children were babies I felt that fierce protective possessive love - I couldn't understand how anyone could stand to be away from their own newborn, I viscerally loathed handing them to anyone except DH, I felt wrong, uncomfortable, miserable if they were in someone else's arms and the rare (because I held them all the time) sound of them crying was physically painful. I couldn't comprehend people who'd choose to leave a baby under six months overnight for a non emergency reason or why anyone would want a"break" from their own newborn (despite one with reflux who couldn't be put down within an hour of a feed until she learnt to roll and another one who simply didn't sleep for more than a rare two hour stretch until he was nearly 3 years old).

However as they got bigger and older and able to move away from me the nature of the live changed.

They each went to preschool from 3 and like everyone I had to deal with separation by celebrating it and being unrelentingly positive about it. Before that they each started spending time with my DH's mum without me from about 18 months and in the same way I learnt to celebrate the widening of their world as well as the rest. They each went away on a school (Kindergarten) residential at 6 years old (same Kindergarten, same trip, trips a few years apart each time) and I adjusted and celebrated.

Now they're teens, they've been away lots of times without me - DC1 has been abroad without me twice.

Its right that they become ever more independent. Its right that I never, ever hold them back or get all self indulgent and sentimental about wanting them with me. In truth its not what I want - I want them to reach their potential and explore the world and be fantastic human beings and never ever once worry that I miss them. Its my job to launch them, not to cling.

They are not part of me. They were, but now they're something better. I'm immediately proud of them - they're incredible human beings - and as long as I know theyre happy and healthy I will never want them to limit themselves or restrict their lives on my account.

[EmeraldShamrock]

No it's not unreasonable to want a weekend for yourself.
Let her know it'll be every 2 weeks.
If she has a life she'll make plans for herself.
She's probably missing out of things herself with the arrangement.

[Stellaris22]

Pre Covid twice a year, we live over 300 miles away so it will be a visit for a week.

That's plenty for me. We all have our own families and social lives. Honestly, we're all adults and don't need to see each other constantly.

If you live closer then I can understand the convenience of added childcare help, but I'm happy to have grown up and gotten my own life and independence.

[BetsyBigNose]

My DM lives on her own, she moved to the same city we live in when she left her husband, to be close to us. She works part time in an 'essential worker' role, dealing face to face with the public and I've been shielding as I'm CEV, so we've only seen her at a distance (through an open window!) as she couldn't bubble with us as it would have been too risky for me.

We've all had both vaccines now (except the kids), so we're now meeting up outside (still socially distancing) and we're going for lunch together (outside) tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to!

In more "normal" times, I would see her at least 3 times a week and she would usually meet up with our DDs too, perhaps pick them up from school and have them round for tea, or take them swimming on the weekend. We talk on the phone every day though, sometimes more than once. Because she lives on her own and has chosen to live near us, I do feel some responsibility to see her regularly and do find myself inviting her over for dinner even when we could do with a quiet evening - I would hate for her to feel lonely.

My DSis lives 300 miles away and she and our DM have a difficult relationship, so hey only see each other 2-3 times a year and speak on the phone weekly. DSis takes more responsibility with our DDad though; sees him more frequently than I do and we both speak to him weekly.

I don't think YABU to want the odd weekend to yourselves, particularly if you give your DM plenty of notice so that she has the opportunity to make alternative plans. Perhaps you could liaise with your DSis to work out some sort of schedule to ensure she doesn't have the option to get "huffy" with you. In the grand scheme of things though, I'd rather have my DM over to ours for an evening when it's not really convenient than for her to be at home, feeling lonely. Her own parents both died at only a few years older than she is now and in spite of everything, she's my best friend and although it doesn't necessarily follow that she will also die relatively young, it does make me think - and I know I will miss her hugely when she's gone.

[eatsleepread]

Every few months. She's an hour or so away. She's not what I'd call maternal ...

[monkeysox]

Yabu take turns alternate weekends with your sister.
She's on her own
I'd give anything to see my mum.

[StrongerOrWeaker]

Pre COVID, three times a year for a week-10 days as we live abroad. I haven't seen my parents since December 2020 though so may visit them longer the next time around.

[Mary46]

Hi op I called last night after work. Sibling does mid week so her wends are free!! I dont get into sundays as its expected then. My daughter plays sport so she has matches on Sundays. I can only do what I can. Im 40 mins away

[bananaboats]

Every few weeks or so probably, could be longer . She lives locally but we don't really have that kind of relationship and thb I don't think I'd really want anyone visiting me several times a week!

[eatsleepread]

@monkeysox

Yabu take turns alternate weekends with your sister.
She's on her own
I'd give anything to see my mum.

Are you joking?! The OP isn't responsible for her mother's happiness or social life. Of course it's ok for her to take a weekend off, particularly as she has her own family to consider!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

@Lazypuppy

Well i see my mum at least 4 times a week and speak to her everyday, so for me only seeing your mum once a week is weird 🤷‍♀️

How often do you want to see her?

I phone her a couple of times a week on top of visiting as well. I honestly wouldn't have the time for a life if I visited 4 times a week!

Interesting the variation in responses though.

[B33Fr33]

I don't see mine. My sibling sees her once a month.

[BikeRunSki]

I saw her last week for the first time in 9 months. She lives alone, 250 miles away. She wants to move to waking distance from us, and accepted an asking price offer on her house yesterday!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Oh and how often would I like to see her? I think once every 2 weeks is plenty. I find the visits wearing. I feel like she saves everything up that she wants to say and does a verbal download. It's not a two way conversation.

[ellsbellls]

100% sympathise OP. I live in the same city as my parents (while brother and sister are 200 miles away). Every weekend there is an expectation that we'll see them at some point. Every Saturday morning the obligatory text asking what our plans are. I feel so pressured by it. We work all week, often have plans with friends or kid's friends and actually, sometimes, I just want some time to myself. I love them of course but can't help feeling a bit envious of my brother and sister who get away with whatsapp messages and a few visits a year (in normal times). Feel guilty of course for even articulating this.

[ellsbellls]

Oh and yes to verbal download when I see her. I've given up trying to join in.

[VerityWibbleWobble]

2-3 times a year. We chat on the phone occasionally.

[Hagqueen]

Outside of Covid:
See mine a minimum of once a week but most likely 2-3 times a week although sometimes those extras might be half hour here and there.

Our regular once a week is dinner on a weeknight (and before covid almost all of us kids would go) but now its just me as part of her bubble and the only child of hers living alone. Weekend dinners tend to be more about once a month, usually coinciding with my sibling who lives away and comes to visit. Usually we are all there around half a day.

As the most local i tend to pop in to drop/pick stuff up or we might meet up to walk the dogs.

[HairboStrawb]

Every day and if not every other day. My DS loves going to my parents and they miss him when they don't see him after a day. My mum is my best friend and we do pretty much everything together!

[VettiyaIruken]

Not seen mine for about 2 years

[Brakebackcyclebot]

3 or 4 times a year. We speak on the phone about twice a month.

[PenCreed]

Twice a year normally, we live 600 miles apart. When I was little and my Granny still lived in her own house we saw her every couple of months - she lived about 60 miles away. My parents always encouraged all of us to have our own lives and live where we had to for education, work etc. If we lived closer, we'd see them more often.

Take an occasional weekend off.

[katy1213]

Of course, you're entitled to a weekend on your own! It's not your job to keep her entertained.
I'd have thought once a month was ample if she's half an hour away, and once a fortnight would be generous if you enjoy each other's company. No huffing allowed. You don't feel obliged to see friends more often than this. You're certainly not obliged to spend all your free time with family.

[PenCreed]

And I'm saying take a weekend off, not having seen my parents since December 2019. Ignore the guilt tripping!

[VeganVeal]

I've not seem my mum for nearly two years , although she is dead